GOING NAKED TO AMERICA

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Oga, that boy don cause wahala for airport!

Which kind wahala be that?

They talk am say na for naked we go go America now.

Who said?

Everybody. Or is Oga not aware of the commotion in town?

What?! Tell me, what the hell is going on?

They say because that Murtalla boy wan throw bomb for America na soso naked we go go comot house for airport.

I still can't understand you. Maybe you have to come out clearly in straight English to explain what you mean?

No problem. Aviation authorities have ordered that everybody travelling to America must pass through X-ray rooms to check their private parts for bombs, drugs and guns.

You mean some people will peep inside your pants searching for what is not missing? It's a lie! That’s operation “pat down”, isn’t it?

That’s very true but they say it's man that will check the inner recesses of man while woman will do the same for woman.

There they go again! Did they not say sometime ago that ours is not a gay community and homosexuals are not allowed? So why are they saying it is men that will look at naked men and women to look at naked women? Is that not homosexualism? Is that not lesbianism at work? They should be consistent. Since homosexualism and lesbianism are not allowed in our country then it is men that should check the "particulars" of women while women should use their peeping, Amebo eyes to ransack the “valleys of the shadows of men”.

No! That will be too explicit. Imagine putting our beautiful Nollywood actresses under the scan for a 24-year-old man to examine or a 96-year-old Emir being body checked by a 22-year-old female immigration officer! By the way more people who like voyeurism will like to join the immigration department soon to enjoy the Murtalla bonanza. But come to think of it, if that Murtalla boy were to pass tghrough the machine we would have nothing to declare in his lower torso. I learnt the bomb had cleared his “gun” and “bullets”. Only God knows what he would have een used to “work” on the seven virgins inn heaven if he had succeeded in his suicide mission.

You have not said anything. Have you ever thought of the wahala (trouble) he has caused innocent people?

Who are those?

Wait! You will hear wen! Can you imagine Reverend Sisters, Reverend Fathers, pastors, bishops, archbishops, deacons and deaconesses going under the X-ray for "unbelievers" to scrutinise their holy of holies? Can you imagine imams, alfas, sheiks and ayatollahs being screened by female ‘infidels’? Ah! Gongo a so!! The unexpected will happen.

That's double jeopardy! A woman looking at the secret anatomies of Islamic clerics? That's invitation for another Gulf war!

Thank God, you too know the implication of what that ajantala boy (enfant terrible) has done. Governors and their First Ladies, original and fake, will now be subjected to the ignomy of doing “pants down” at local and international airports abroad. Pastors' wives are also in trouble of exposure.

Who is not? Is it not everybody?

There you are. In Niagara, if you don’t kow, all travellers are equal but some are more equal than the others.

What do you mean?

You think a military officer will allow a "bloody civilian" ransack his underbelly and take a hard look at his "artillery gun" and have a feel of his epididymises"?

No way!

You think a pastor Chris will allow an unbeliever to ruffle his nest and touch his eggs?

Abomination!

You think a senate president will allow a female immigration officer to hold his gavel in the public and bang it on the x-ray machine for all man to see?

Ooops!!! That will be painful!

What a shame!!

ENDS

Are You Sure They Won't Kidnap God?

What we have nowadays is no longer kidnapping but ‘adultnapping’.

The reactions to “M’God, They Have Kidnapped the President”, TELL, October 12, 2009, have been both funny and scary. Some see it as a clarion call for the security agencies to be more alive to their responsibilty while others see it as a comical indictment of the system that breeds kidnappers in the first place. Other issues come to play in this voxpopilogue. Happy reading.

The opilogue, “M’God, They Have kidnapped the President” is satirical but informative as well. Please don’t get yourself ‘adultnapped’ as the whole country has been ‘massnapped’ by the politicians. S A Adejuwon, Esa Oke, Osun State.

You are right. What we have nowadays is no longer kidnapping but ‘adultnapping’. When we were young, we used to hear only of “gbomo gbomo” (kidnapping or kid-nappers). Nowadays, it is “adult-napping”, “man-napping” and “woman-napping”. And you know what? This is outright stealing of human beings! Are we that cheap? Let the prayer warriors continue to pray that we do not all end up in the kidnappers’ den sooner than later.

The kidnappers are devilshly ambitious and daring like the Somali pirates. I just hope that they would not think of kidnapping God. Ayo Ademuyiwa, Ode Omu.

Don’t be too sure. Niagarans can do anything for money. If they can throw a day-old baby into a mortar and pound it like they do pounded yam in Mama Put’s buka, then nothing can faze them. And for your information, if Piriye, the little boy, could kidnap God’s mother in “God, We Have Kidnapped Your Mama”, TELL, October 12, 2004, then God, Himself, is game for those sons of a dog.

How I wish kidnappers could try and kidnap all the officials of PHCN. It may help solve the electricity problem in this our Niagara. Diana Omars, Warri.

I think that’s a good wish. The officials could be forced to give us uninterrupted supply of power for a particular period before they are released. That’s ingenious, if not abetting (crime)!

They have kidnapped the president? How I wish this to be real, maybe the government and the security agencies would wake up from their slumber. Aderemi Omolola, Abuja.

The security agencies are already alert to their responsibility. Every public official has a retinue of combat-ready, amphibious body guards that accompany them to board rooms, banquet halls, the loo and even their bedrooms because of lurking kidnappers. When travelling, they move in a convoy of several dozen armoured cars and wear bullet-proof apparels at public functions. That is their armour against hungry Niagarans in general.

Our country has been kidnapped already.Jude, Masaka, Nasarawa State.

Who told you? The oil wells are still running. What else do you want? Mind your language o!

Irefer to “Mama Fela of Burma”, TELL, October 19, 2009. I consider this to be a clarion call to Oby and Ngozi to come back home and perform political miracles since their sister is busy rebranding Megida’s cattle ranch. Muyiwa, Osun State.

I can assure you that they will be kidnapped on the tarmac the very moment they step on this already kidnapped soil. They will be lucky if their chartered plane is not held for ransom, too. Things are just too bad. The kidnappers would think that working in the World Bank is a sure banker for raking in dollars and pounds sterling from the duo. They went for Soludo’s father because they believed his son, a retired CBN governor, must be awash with brand-new currency notes. Lamido must be extra careful. If a retired CBN governor’s father could be kidnapped, then his own father, wherever he is, whether in heaven or on earth, will be a more credit-worthy target! Who will tame the bounty hunters? The answer, as they say, is blowing in the wind.

You are selfish for holding and hiding the picture of Aung San Suu Kyi to yourself. Hope you are not planning to kidnap her. May she live long to see her dream Burma.Ogundijo S A, Ibadan, Oyo State.

The woman is too beautiful to be shared (not what you are thinking) with everybody. Thus I have hidden her on www.omopilogue.blogspot.com. Check the ravishing beauty today. She is, indeed, “obinrin meta” (three-in-one woman). Brain, Brawn and Beauty.

We also have many “obinrin meta” in our country. If the men can pocket their ego and allow women to rule this giant of Africa from the grassroots to the tree top, all our problems will be solved and the difference will be clear. Kievwe, Warri.

You sound like Sir Shina Peters to me who once sang that 90 per cent of the corruption and 90 per cent of the motor accidents in this country are caused by men and as a result men should give women the chance to rule. There should be no sentiments here. Women should come out openly and present a credible alternative to the cacophony of bullet-riddled, crime-riddled, sleaze-riddled and profanity-riddled voices on the political stumps. Aung San Suu Kyi did not wait to be cajoled or caressed by the political stockbrokers before throwing her ‘heart’ in the ring to be pumelled and trampled for the sake of the teeming masses of Burma.

We really need leaders who are portmanteaux of brain plus brawn unlike some of our past and present leaders. Biodun Soretire, Ijebu Ode.

The beautiful ones — sorry, the heroic ones — are not yet born.

Re: “Wanted, A National Day for Fools and Yahoos”, TELL, October 5, 2009. At times I wonder why a few fools would be lording it over many wise men and women. Aderemi Omolola, Abuja.

I wonder myself why we are wandering in the wilderness, yet we all each carry a compass. There’s hope that one day we shall be jolted to the reality of that compass in our breast pocket to show us the way out of the chaotic jungles of our own Babylon.

“INSTANT NOODLE” SLEEP? TRY LITTLE BABA

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Since Opilogue debuted never has there been this kind of letter received. As the Americans are wont to say, it is unbelievable! It's awesome!! But who can help decipher it? Here is the letter slightly edited to suit Opilogue house style. "Mr. Opilogue, good day. These are just some basic tips for your survival. If you want to be angry just watch Ekiti Elections Tribunal. If you want to feel drowsy listen to the new Baba. If you want to feel bored watch David's Knesset in session. If you want to waste a whole day attend Banky's House of Probes. If you want comedy tune to Drug Lady's rebranded Federal Mumbo-Jumbo, FM, radio. If you are allergic to lies avoid Anthony General and his Queen Latifah at any biribiri crusade (whatever that means). If you have kids eager to learn Hausa and Fulfude avoid the Turainic school owned by the new Mamangida. And if you are disgruntled join the Ruffy Dubby party in exile and start throwing missiles at Aso Rock". By Jove, I don't know what the hell the fellow is talking about. Does anybody know? Eh! Before you start guessing and taking undue advantage of the big 'IFs' let me quickly respond to some other letters. Open the mail box, please.

I refer to Shh! Megida Is Resting, TELL, July 27, 2009. The manner you undress our wickedness, sorry, I mean our nakedness, calls for caution. As for me, it is better to live in a fools' paradise than die there. Yes. The driver may be slow, we shall eventually get there. Nike Adesanya, Osogbo.

You are quite right. It's better to die as a king in hell than live as a servant in heaven! We are all local champions!! But come o, which kind talk be this, that you don't like the way and manner Opilogue has undressed your nakedness? When? Where? How? Abi which kind wahala be this? I siddon jeje and you begin dey call me "Vanessa, the Undresser". Chei! Thank God this is not a Sharia-compliant nation or else you would have ended up in a Sharia court like the Sudanese lady who wore jeans the other time and unwittingly disrobed the religious chauvinists. Yours would have been worse! Thank God for His mercies. Joke apart, tell that driver if you know him very well that he should press harder on the accelerator or snails, ants and tortoises would overtake the nation's vehicle on its journey to outer space.

Your work on banana, apart from its being informative, portrays you as a trado-herbalist. Erinosho Mike, Ijebu Ode.

You are right. But how about the day I write about how armed robbers operate? That will portray me as an armed robber, abi? The more you look...

Re: Drop Dead Today, Write Your Will Tomorrow, TELL, July 20, 2009. Who told you I should drop dead before I write my will? Anyway, I have written my will like Michael Jackson did but it's not within my reach. It is inside the big ogas' bank accounts in Switzerland. Akpa Jude Osita, Enugu.

That's a wise decision. Only wise men bank with Swiss banks because Switzerland is a safe haven for the good, the bad and the ugly from developng and starving nations.

For Michael Jackson to have written his Will at 42 means he had assets and liabilities to share. But a struggling African man has nothing to share except his wife and children. By the way have you written your own will? As for me, I’m not ready to die now. S. A. Adejuwon, Esa Oke, Osun State.

Death is no respecter of anybody. If you have four wives write a will today on how they should be shared just in case! A will in hand is worth more than two in the grave.

Good day. I am an ardent reader of Opilogue. Please, I just want to point this out that Michael Jackson actually died a Muslim and not as a Jehova's witness as you wrote in "Drop Dead Today...." Dotun (no address).

Thanks. I did not know that he had converted to Islam before his death. Records show that he actually performed the shahada (declaration of faith) on November 21, 2008 in the home of Steve Porcaro, a keyboard player and one of the composers of his record breaking Thriller album. I went further to visit an Islamic babalawo (aafa?) who divined for me and revealed that the King of Pop became either Mikailu or Mukaila or a name that sounds like that (Mikaeel). The babalawo also looked at his opele (native crystal ball) and saw that an elder brother of Michael's had earlier become converted and gone to Mecca! He was very emphatic about his discovery despite my dooubts but he was dead right. He was actually referring to Muhammad Abdul Aziz aka Jermaine Jackson. But na wah for these African Americans! For example, Malcolm Little, aka Malcolm X, during the Civil Rights Movement days converted to Islam and went to Mecca only to have a stopover in Niagara enroute Ghana (in the early 1960s) and got nicknamed "Alhaji Omowale". Cassius Clay got converted and became the legendary Muhammad Ali. Wacko Jacko also made sure he joined the pantheon of great African-American converts (of the Nation of Islam pedigree) and became Alhaji Mukaila(?) Jackson before his death. He sure must be in aljanah by now. Aleyi wa Salaam (God grant him eternal rest).

Mr. Opilogue, you take my breath away. Your words (Re; Drop Dead...) are immortal like the lyrics of Wacko Jacko's songs. Segun Akinade, Agege, Lagos.

My advice. Always wear an oxygen mask whenever you are reading Opilogue just to make assurance doubly sure. Now inhale! One more time! All’s well that ends well. Happy reading.

I visited your blog (www.omopilogue.blogspot.com) and wanted to leave a comment but couldn't do so. Please, what option do I use from the select profile options to send my comments? Halima Ahmed, Kaduna.

You need to register a Google Account to unlock the door for you or choose the 'anonymous' option and then leave your name at the end of the post.

But, please, consider those of us who are not "dot com" compliant before you relocate Opilogue completely to the internet. Dr. Charles, Minna, Niger State.

Lakita, please note that the world is like a masquer dancing. If you want to enjoy the spectacle you do not stay on the same spot in Minna. You must move with the time. Very soon newspapers and magazines will only be available online. So,like the Boy Scouts, BE PREPARED for the great change. Kaji ko, Lakita Charlie?

Mr Opilogue, how will you describe that NAFDAC angel-turned Musa's megaphone? Ajayi Olusola, Ondo.

Hmmm...This is agidigbo drum that you are beating here but I guess I understand the rhythm and blues. And I will answer you accordingly. Well, the woman you are probably referring to remains an angel, if not to you at least to her husband. Then remember the immortal words of Professor MAMSER: If you are a teacher, teach well; if you are a manager, manage well; if you are a director, direct well; if you are also a brand manager, brand manage well...The "angel" has acquitted herself very well as a faithful card-carrying member of the party in power. Needless to remind you that he who pays the piper dictates the tune. No be so? Let's just thank God for her. She is no longer where barons can remove her headgear with bows and arrows, not to mention AK – 47s

I have read "Diplomatic Yabis" (TELL, November 20, 2008) and I find it real knowledge of the (Niagaran) situation and problems. I wonder if you could help in e-mailing some of your write-ups to my box, fibianguskatda@yahoo.com.

I don't encourage the substitution of GSM number or e-mail address for the name of a reader. It is too surreal and it creates a lot of distortions. Now, see me, see trouble. I can't figure out your name. Are you Fabian Duru Jnr or Fabian, the Okada man, as that yahoo address seems to suggest?