My Children, Too, Want to Be Governor

"Government money is our money and no Jupiter can query us on how we spend it. Those who don't like it can go and 'suicide' themselves"

Alao! … Alao!! … yes, I say Alao! … hmmm… you say there’s no any Alao there… Is that what you are saying? Look at you! Who says he wants to talk to Alao? I’m just greeting you the alakowe way. Alao! Alao!! (Hallo, Hallo) Who’s there? I say who’s speaking? What?! Akalamagbo, so, it’s you… you mean you cannot recognise my voice again. It’s true I have always summoned you to my palace any time I want to talk to you but you should be able to recognise my voice on the phone … Haba! Alao! Alao!! Alao!!!… What has happened? I can hear something falling… Akalamagbo, hope nothing…? Yes, yes… what? You fell down? O! You mean you fell while trying to apologise to me… That’s alright… that’s alright… stand up. Thank you… no, no… no, that’s not why I’m calling you…

Ngbo, what happened between you and Igbakeji? I learnt you are doing 'two fighting' in the office. Sebi, I have told you to be careful or you want me to flog the two of you inside the Government House? Yes… yes… Shurrrup! You children of nowadays are too stubborn. Sebi I told the two of you that any time you want to cough or sneeze or even vomit, you must let me know… Shurrrup! I say shurrrup!… listen… Akalamagbo, abi you want to see the red of my eyes? Why are you behaving like a thug? If the two of you had listened to me, your boys will not be exchanging blows in Agodi over chickenfeed. If you want to eat frog, at least you must choose a fat, juicy one for supper… Alao!… Alao!… can you hear me? Alao! Alao!!… Thank God you are still there. I don’t know what’s wrong with all these GSM phones.

Can you hear me now? Good… I was saying that if you want to fight, fight over millions and billions, not over chickenfeed. Don’t disgrace our great party. The two of you are my sons, if you don’t know, and I did not put you there to be doing what you like. You hear? Alao!… Alao!!… can you still hear me? Okay. Yes… yes… yes… that’s alright. But wait. The N50 million you sent last time was not enough for the number of cars I wanted to buy for the lawbreakers. You had forgotten that I needed to buy, also, patrol vehicles for our local ‘police’ and bodyguards. In fact, I needed an extra N300 million to buy boats and canoes for some of our guests who will like to cruise around in the Premier Motel swimming pool any time they come for the convention of our great party.

And that reminds me, Akalamagbo, I learnt you said you, too, want to continue licking soup beyond 2007. You must be joking. Even if we are spraying political posts like confetti, not a single flake will drop on your lap. Nibo? For where? If not because Aare Latosa did not play ball according to my rules, would you have ever smelt that seat? Our people have said it, “Nobody will ride a horse and not gallop”. Akalamagbo, you are galloping… o nma ga (you are overdoing it). Take it easy o, I’m warning you. Impeachment is two for a kobo here and if you don’t mind, it is the money I have that I am lending you… What? What did you say? Ah, you say I am speaking Yoruba-English? Wonderful! Wetin you speak, Your Excellency? Is it not olopa (police) English you are speaking? Look at His Excellency! Let me remind you, the koboko (horsewhip) used to beat sense into the senior wife’s head is still hanging in the ceiling… Yes… remember what happened to Aare Latosa. After dealing with him, he could only order for pounded yam. Did you see him wait for the soup? The matter became, for him and his supporters, a case of if the rat cannot make a quick getaway, it should make way for the tortoise. That’s how they disappeared from Agodi one by one because it’s what we tell ogbo that ogbo will hear… When a child sees Fear he must run. Beeni.

Yes… yes… of course, that’s a warning for you. A foretold war does not catch the cripple unawares, but that depends on how clever your own cripple is. Just as wrestling is the favourite pastime of the Offa people, so is civil unrest our own hobby in Ebaodan. I know you are a young calf trying to cut his teeth in the politics of this city but let me warn you that Oluyole doesn’t take nonsense from any premier, or gomina (governor). Ask Akintola. Ask Ige. No past non-native civilian ruler left this city alive. We killed them right inside their bedrooms except Baba Layinka. You can prove me wrong. And… Akalamagbo, if you don’t want to die suddenly in your bedroom now or later, I think that’s a timely warning for you. So, this your “third time” ambition will not work. Drop it. My own children are also warming up for aksion. I am tired of doing ijagboro (street fighting) on account of somebody else’s children… What? Oh, sorry, Akalamagbo. I don’t mean it that way. You are all my children but as we say it here, "A father knows who his real children are…" Yeesi o! A nursing mother should be able to feed herself also as she breastfeeds her baby. Afterall, the child is not the only hungry mouth in the family. My children are also coming! You hear? You had better do. I don’t want you to do like all of them who don’t know when to say goodnight to ayo game. And that reminds me, you must not spend all the money in the treasury. You hear? But don’t forget to send the usual N10 million weekly security vote for me to police our area here. Remember also to send the N20 million for entertainment for this week. You may add something on top because I will be receiving more visitors from Oyo and Abeokuta. Sebi you know, these are the real amala people. While the Oyo take amala dudu, the Egba (Abeokuta) are fond of amala funfun with abula to match. And lest I forget… if there is another controversy over the money voted for my ‘office’ and ‘palace’, you must clear from me before talking to the press. I don’t like the way you handled the N50 million car gifts that I dished out like amala the other time. Government money is our money and no Jupiter can query us on how we spend it. Those who don’t like it can go and 'suicide' themselves in Igbo Agala… Yeesi o! Greet Her Excellency, your wife, for me. Greet also His Excellency Jnr, I mean your son. I hope he is drinking milk well, well … ahaa … you are laughing? Hmmm… Okunrin meta (three-men-in-one)! When should I be expecting the Accountant-General? Yes… hmmm… Before I go for Jumat? Your head is correct! I know you are a good boy, any day.

Note: This Opilogue was first published in TELL, June 19, 2006

Valentine Blues

Credit: creoleindc.typepad.com

"Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy"

My friend, you must have been wondering where I have been since all these days. Well, it is Adio, my husband, who has been giving me the treat of my life. Since our reconciliation meeting, he has been showering me with blessings and affections, especially since his thugfather single-handedly made him the new president of the Semovita Kingdom. You need to see how he is now crazy about me. Without me, he cannot eat. Without me, he cannot sleep. Without me, he cannot even urinate. Because of me, he bought a book of text messages and, ever since, it has been messages galore on my handset. I never imagined that Oko mi Adio, without ever having been to Rome, could be so romantic… He has 're-valentined' my life.

You are making me jealous.

Jealous? Just spare me that crap lest you end up inside the well because that's where your type always ends. But, my friend, help me thank Baba Iyaboh, my national father-in-law, for the GSM he introduced to the country. If not for his revolution, I would not be receiving the kind of Valentine messages and calls I have been receiving from my heartthrob. I remember his first message to me the very day he purchased his GSM phone: "My darlin', where were you before you came camping in my heart? You started a fire and now my heart is filled with flames." I couldn't believe it. Oko mi Adio sending me a romantic message? I teasingly asked him to forward his message to the GSM provider or the Fire Brigade. The wonderful blockhead did not get the message. Instead, he sent what he thought to be another love booster: "Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life but I, your darlin' husband, would rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when NEPA strikes". I quickly picked up my phone and told him some home truths. I said I deserved more than a standby generator. "I want you as my constant supply of light till death do us part", I concluded. You know what? Oko mi Adio lifts his text messages, word for word, without taking cognisance of the prevailing circumstance or mood. I have never seen such a pleasantly idiotic plagiarist in my life. The other day when I was on admission at St. Patient's Specialist Hospital, Apongbon, in downtown Lagos, all Oko mi Adio did was to send me this message: "Of all the friends I've ever met, you're the one I won't forget in a hurry. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you." I read the message over and over again. What's Oko mi Adio up to?

He didn't mean any harm, you know.

You think so? Is that the kind of message people send to their loved ones who are convalescing in hospital? You kuku know me. I managed to sit up in bed and scribble a wait-and-get response: "Obtain your visa fast but make sure you write your will". He thought of atoning for his deed by sending me another fast-food-like text package: "I have a little angel flying around with a hammer, each person he hits gets a little dose of my love. I hope he beats the hell out of you.” I was devastated. Why should Oko mi Adio send an Iron Mike Tyson as angel to me? I called him, “Haba! Oko mi Adio. I know where you got that message from but can’t you use your sixth sense to recycle and tailor it to suit the prevailing circumstances?” He did not allow me to finish when he said he would send another message that I'd definitely like. And what was it? He went through the text book and came out with a message that had recycle in it: "Darlin', it's true they recycle paper till it's as good as new; reproduce cans, jars and old bottles too, but they can never recycle another person as you." I said, "look at this suegbe. Where was he when the oyinbo people recycled a sheep and they named it Dolly? Very soon, they will recycle even Dolly Parton herself. Oko mi Adio was terribly angry and, for the first time in his life, asked the chief of staff, COS, of Government Villa to talk to me. "Is that Her Excellency?" the COS started. I told him, in no unmistaken terms, that I am not Her Excellency. Only God is His Excellency. All mortals are mediocre. Only Oko mi Adio and those who are backing him like his thugfather can call themselves Their Excellencies. I am simply Mrs. Adio.

And what was his response?

He pretended he did not hear me. Instead he launched out like a battering ram, "Madam, do you take His Excellency to be your lawful text mate, to love and to hold, in fine and good lexicon, in poor signal and no service, till low credit do you part?" I said, "I do, I do". He said if I did, then I should not harass His Excellency again over his text messages to me whether they were original or copied, creative or not, pedestrian or motorised, logical or illogical, wise or foolish. I said, "Yes, sir." Afterall, one should learn to say, "Yes, sir" to the mad man so he could make way for one to pass.

You don't mean it!

I do, but that was the greatest mistake of my life. Oko mi Adio now took liberty for licence. 'Gyraffing' and xeroxing became his real business as if he were a WASCE or JAMB candidate. He started lifting messages indiscriminately to 'impress' me. Only God knows whether he did the same for his thugfather. On my last birthday, Oko mi Adio sent me the most unromantic message any spouse could send to his partner. "I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it. Happy birthday, Mrs. Adio." I know he lifted it ink, pen and paper. The only new thing there was my name. I ignored him and his message. Then he sent another after waiting, as through for Godot, for my response. "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying." That sounded intelligent to me and I told him so. What he sent the following day was even more philosophical: "Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy". I reflected on this message and wondered aloud whether it's not true, indeed, to always learn to endure what one cannot avoid like Oko mi Adio. As if he was reading my mind, another message just came into the inbox: "Love is not finding someone to live with, it's finding someone you can't live without". I called him to ask why this is so. You know what the graceful pig of a chauvinist said? He said the full meaning of wife is actually: "Worries Invited For Ever". I argued why anybody should live with worries at all. If my husband does not love me again, then I should have the right to seek for divorce.

And what's his take on that?

He said divorce is the past tense of marriage and we should rather focus on the present tense which is love and the future tense which is children. Can you believe that? But he agreed that nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes because "there's too much fraternising with the enemy". I asked if I should be considered an enemy. In his usual chauvinistic, arrogant style, he said even if women were in jet fighters or helicopter gunboats, men would always be on top in any war of the sexes. I quickly called off his bluff: "You may conquer with your sword, but you are easily conquered by a kiss". His response was devastating. "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties". I chuckled to myself, "No wonder some men are empty upstairs despite their huge endowments downstairs".

Sure?!

Note: Valentine Blues first appeared in TELL March 6, 2006

We Steal, We Kill, We Rig…

Ibadan City Pix: northoflagos.wordpress.com

“No matter how independent you may think you are, he who pays the viper dictates the poison”

Mr. Iru, I am surprised that you could initiate a political party conference without inviting people like me, or is it that you don't know me in this land? Who is your own father nihahin? If you don't know the sea, don't you taste salt in your wife's soup? It’s when people want to demystify the elephant that they say they saw something pass by. It’s a lie! Ajanaku (elephant) is more than "something" passing by. If I'm not the whale, at least I'm a shark, in the Niagaran waters. In this democracy, there is no stakeholder greater than I in our zone. Every politician, including the Owu chief, knows that I'm a free-for-all agent. If you want to be democratically elected before the election, you need to see me or else your pounded yam will turn into ordinary porridge in the mouth... Perhaps, I should introduce myself better. I'm a general political contractor. We beat. We kill. We steal. We rig, sorry, I mean...emmm...we can democratically elect you before the actual election. Ours is general merchandise.

I'm sorry, it's not your type that we want here. This is not democracy of mediocre politicians.

Stop there! Mondioka ko, Mondi amala ni! You think this thing called politics is for alakowe (the elite)? You must be joking. You think politics is child's play? Ah! I'm sorry for me. What a pity! Can you do roforofo fight in the streets? Can you kill? Can you lie three thousand times before the cock crows at dawn? Can you swear for fun with the Koran or the Bible? The real alakowe that I know cannot do these, can they?

Are these the only criteria for participation in Niagaran politics?

What have bacteria got to do with what we are saying?

I didn't say bacteria. What I wanted to know is if these are the only conditions that can make one participate successfully in party politics...

Not enough o! You must have money. You must have mouth...

Beg your pardon? Is there anybody who does not have mouth?

There you are! And that's exactly what we are saying. You are just alakowe for nothing, you don't know anything. Listen to me carefully. You must have money, you must have big mouth or what these larodo (young) people call basket mouth and … emm…plenty juju...

What?! Juju for what?

Look at you! Can't you see all of them just dying like rats all over the place? Before the assassin pulls the trigger, they have fallen down yakata and died, just like that! Is that how to do oselu (politics)? If it's not Ewedu State today, it's Lagoon State tomorrow. And if it's not Osemawe State this week, it's Okitiland next week.

Chief, you mean you still rely on this your useless juju power? As for me, it's blood of Jesus...

Look at you! Who says it is blood of satan that is in his own vein...? A youngster, not knowing danger, sees hand grenade and calls it small pineapple! If you cannot carry a tortoise around on your chest and be ever ready to pull the trigger first before the assassin does, like the mystery man of Ado Okiti did, then you are a goner!

I'm still baffled how you got here, chief.

Don't worry. Actually, my governor is not here because I sent him on an errand to Upper Yemoja River to settle some disputes between the Ibariba and the Fulani herdsmen who are always fighting over grazing land. And as for his deputy, you know that one is my house boy. He was still busy cleaning my bedroom when I decided to come myself.

By the way, who really allowed you in?!

Iru, or what do you call yourself? You have to be very careful when it comes to election in Niagara. You must consult and listen to the elders. If not, you will regret the day you were born, like Henry Nwosu.

You mean the footballer? Has he ever regretted being a footballer?

Who is talking about a footballer? I mean your oga before before. That one overstepped his boundaries by not consulting with the council of elders before releasing the so-called free, fair and peaceful election result. Na peace we go chop? We quickly sent our thugs in uniform after him. Have you heard from him ever since? Those boys dealt with him well, well. They slapped him a little to the right and kicked him a little to the left. He was so dazed that if he saw Babangida then, he would have thought it was Nzeribe he saw. Your own will not be like that o! Say "aamen!!" But let me tell you, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. No matter how independent you may think you are, he who pays the viper dictates the poison...

It’s not like that. It is “he who pays the piper dictates the tune”.

Is it not the same thing? Just let me warn you…

If you will just allow me to talk, sir…

Sure, why not? The slave master cannot be so wicked that he will deny his steward the right to urinate. Spoke on (sic).

With people like you in the corridors of power, there is no hope for the electoral process.

Eeemi?! (Me?!). Who is talking of hope? Politics in Niagara is not for HOPE but GOLD. Have you not heard their excellencies arguing lately?

Over what?

One says his goldmine is big. The other says his is bigger. And they are drawing more daggers as they dig in in their respective holes. While they are at each other's throat, the other parties are making hay on the campaign ground, trying to win the heart of both the men and womenfolk.

What are they saying?

One is trying to woo the male voters by saying: "The other party has been robbing you for eight years, now give us a chance too". Another says to the women: "That party has been killing your husbands' batteries for too long, we are here to revive them with ACiD, insha Allah!".

We are in trouble!

Note: This Opilogue was first published in TELL, September 25, 2006.

Siddon Look. Africa Is Watching

It's happening again.

What's that?

The wind of change that is blowing across Africa.

Wind of change? You must be joking.

You are the one joking. You mean you are not aware of the happenings in North Africa?

Tell me story. I’m full of ears.

Sure, why not? The wind of revolution is blowing away sit-tight rulers as it did the remaining colonialists in Africa in the 1980s. Tunisia has fallen. Egypt is falling. Algeria is waiting. The wind is even blowing across the Arabian Peninsula. Yemenis are protesting. Jordanians are complaining too. The Arab world is turned upside down. Things are falling apart.

Wonderful! You mean these are happening in the Arab world? How did it happen?

A hungry man is an angry man. In Tunisia the people defied the police. They defied nature. They defied the law of self preservation. They set themselves ablaze. Algerians did the same. Egyptians followed suit like the kami-kaze Japanese pilots. Self immolation they call it.

I just hope the rest of Africans are watching.

Sure. It's "Siddon Look". We are watching. Ivorians are watching. Niagarans are watching. Everybody is watching

Waiting for Mr. Gomina

“Politics without violence is like Xmas in London without snow, Wallahi!”

Right, left! Left, right!! Right, left!!! They are on the march again. The lilliputians. They are on the march again. Marching to Government House. Left, right. Right, left. Left, right. Some are clenching their fists, ready to fight. They shout, "Pack a punch!" "Power!" Some are holding corn cobs as if ready to feed the hungry but they themselves look so lean and mean that they require urgent "food transfusion". They shout, "Operation Fool Niagara!", "OFN!" Some are carrying brooms as if ready to sweep something under the carpet. They shout, "Corruption for Where!" "Action!" Right, left, right, left, right, left...abouuut turn! This is Radio Wayo. DJ, play me Zombi.... No, play ITT. That's better. "....Like Abusanjo and Obatiku, international tough tough...ITT, international tough tough..." Stop! Second base joh! On the march again...waiting for His Excellency, Mr. Gomina...4-1-9 is our man o! Alaya Biagba is our warrior! Josman is our saint! Okirika man is our saviour o o o!! This governor, na we own!!!

It's a lie! It's a lie!! It's a lie!!!

Who's this?

Jigijigi Bamubamu...

Wait, what kind of name is that? Do you mean Jigijigi Majimaji?

No, I'm Jigijigi Bamubamu, original. I'm calling to let you know that those your lilliputians are going nowhere. It's a lie! We are going to stop them by all means.

How are you going to do that?

We have guns, matchets, swords and daggers...

Stop! Who really are you?

I'm Tokyo Japan!

Wait a minute. But you've just said you are Jigijigi Bamubamu or something to that effect.

Yes. Tokyo Japan is my trade name. I'm a professional killer. I mug. I hug. I shoot. I rob. I kill for anything. Do you have anybody to fight or kill?

No, no, no, don't say that on air, Mr. Japan.

There's nothing new under the sun. Niagaran politics is not sweet without gidigbo and jagidijagan...

Eh! What's that?

Politics without violence is like Xmas in London without snow, wallahi!

Ha! Tokyo Japan!! How dare you? Do you know somebody called Waziri Ibrahim?

Is he an Ibadan man?

Sorry, Mr. Japan, does that name sound Mesiogo? Is that Oluyole name? How old are you?

I am 43, going to 44.

And you say you don't know the late apostle of politics without bitterness?

What concerns me about that? Will that belleful me? I trust our own paymaster. This Saturday, we shall get double pay. We shall also eat plates and plates of amala with abula and orisirisi... at Oga’s place.

Sorry, Mr Tokyo Japan, we have to cut you short. We have another caller on the line. Thank you for being part of the programme but don't forget to shun violence on election day so that we can all live to vote another day....Eh...? Who's this? Kareem Oji...what? Oh, Ojikutu? What a name early in the morning! Ahaaa...Ojikutu laro kutukutu... It’s obvious you are boiling and bubbling with energy kutukutu! I like that. My brother, how're you doing? What's going on?

Sorry, my name is Kareem Ojikutu, not Ojikutu Laro Kutukutu. Please take note of that. Yes...I was listening to the last speaker and I'm really pissed off...

Eh, eh, eh...watch your language. You do not say that on air. What exactly do you want to say?

Sorry, I mean it's very disgusting to hear somebody say he has guns and matchets. What for? Is he an alapata (butcher)? Haba! The only weapon against the ugly lilliputians is our vote. Niagarans must put on their thinking caps. The lilliputians are only coming again to loot the treasury.

Beg your pardon! Who says?

Hear them making empty promises. Free air, free water. Free women, free husbands, free injuries, free deaths, free mortuaries....free this, free that. One even promised to build bridges for Niagarans in the Sahel Savannah and when they reminded him that there are no rivers in that region, he said they should not worry, he would either set up labs to manufacture beautiful rivers or import them from Europe to flow under the bridges immediately he is voted into power!

Waoh! You don't mean that, do you? Could you please tell the kind lilliputian to move fast by air-freighting the rivers when he comes to power in order to beat the people's expectation....Yes, who is this?

I am Jacob Essien. My friends call me Johnny Hotdog.

Are you from Calabar?

No. I'm from Oron.

What's the difference?

By the way, why are you asking?

I thought you said you are hot dog.

And so what?

I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of your personal safety.

You mean the likes of Tokyo may take offence over what I intend to say? Who cares?!

It appears we are operating on two different wavelengths. Okay, forget it. What have you got to say?

I think our lilliputians are just great on abuses but small on issues. They are too busy abusing the incumbent office holders that they forget to espouse their own motives for seeking power. Somebody told me the other day that the election results had already been compiled but I disagree vehemently over that. Methinks Niagara is too advanced for that. Or what do you think?

I think of Ondo ’83 when the riggers rigged so well that the voters went mad. I think of Rivers ’03 when all the voters incredibly voted for only one candidate in an election. I also think of the day when the he-goat went to the market and failed to return.

You are right, my brother. Every day is for the thief; one day is for the owner.

Ohimai, I hear you.

What’s Ohimai?

That’s the in-thing in Lagos now. Just check it out!

Presidential Debate Live !

"Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though)."

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The Presidential debate has started and I hereby call on Alhaji Abdulhaziz Article to come and tell the delegates why he thinks he is the one to carry our party's ticket. Over to you, Alhaji.

Thank you and, please, allow me to go to my points straight away. As a former Vee-Pee nobody qualifies more than I do, most especially after having served under the mercurial General who thinks he can bamboozle anybody. I fought him to a standstill. I guess my fighting spirit qualifies me more than anybody else. But that notwithstanding, I'm a gentleman who believes in agreements. I believe so much in zoning that I zoned my household by marrying six wives from the six geopolitical zones in the country. I already have Hausa, Kanuri, Igbo, Nupe and Yoruba wives. Very soon I'll add an Ijaw woman to my harem though she has to be properly screened to make sure she is not a tokunbo (fairly used) MEND wife. I'm aware that many people are wondering how I'd get money to finance all the national projects. Let me assure you that I have enough personal money to prosecute these projects. This is part of the change philosophy that I've been preaching. Finally, let me emphasise that there will be no more religious riots the very moment I'm sworn in as the next executive president of the Federal Republic of Niagara, insha Allah.

Thank you, Alhaji. Shall we now call on the Owelle of Otuoke, Jonattan Nnamdi to tell us why we should vote for him.

Pee Dee Pee!

Pawa!

Thank you very much. If my opponent says he was once a Vee-Pee I want to say I have been more than that. I was Vee-Pee, Acting Presido and now Presido. I was also Deputy Chairman, Acting Chairman, Chairman (Niagara), Chairman (ECOWAS) and Chairman (Oloibiri Descendants’ Union). I'm sure you will be wondering why I still want to be President. The answer is simple. I need to establish a strong foothold in the polity by extending my magic wand to every nook and corner. As for the argument on zoning let me say I don't believe in it at all. That's why I have only one wife. Mine is one man, one wife. One man, one vote. One angry man, one matchet. One nation, one destiny. Why do I need more than one wife when our people believe that one wife is equal to one trouble? Therefore, it follows that six wives will be equal to six troubles! Niagara is enough trouble for any president. My opponent also claims that he has enough personal money to carry out the nation's responsibilities. Good. As for me I have no such money but come to Oloibiri and you’ll see a bottomless well of crude money. With this kind of money I can assure you that Niagara will, by 2013, be producing 16 megawatts of electricity for our tiny population of 150 million!!!! At this juncture let me assure you that if you vote for me there will be no more kidnapping, no more pipeline vandalisation and no bomb explosions. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I want to say before every man and woman present here today that I don't have a kobo (penny) abroad but plenty of goodwill on FaceBoob (yes, you hear me well), inexhaustible good luck on the corridor of power and abundant patience at the homefront.

We shall now call on Mrs Jubrilla Aminu to round up with her own argument.

Thank you, Mr. Moderator. Everybody knows me as the stubborn she-goat that never gives up. I'm brave, bold and beautiful. I'm resillient, tenacious and, even, pugnacious! The harder the men intimidate me, the harder I kick their underbelly. I don't mind being the perennial presidential candidate. Who cares? I'll always show my face. Men are good for nothing. The only good one among them is a loverboy, nay, gigolo! They must be confronted whether on FaceBoob or BackBoob on whatever! During the day they do gragra, displaying fake muscles, only to fall like a pack of cards at night. They are useless. Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though). Vote for me, vote for gender equality, affirmative action and free, qualitative beauty treatment in all salons in the federation! Yes, give me a place to stand and I'll shake the world!

Hear! Hear!! Hear!!!

Pastors, Impostors and Liars

‘My husband] believes that there is no other business that pays more than church business and he is bent on setting up a ministry or church…’

My friend, I guess you must have been wondering where I've been since all these days. Well, you don't have to worry. I dey kampe like the husband of my Egba friend would say. The only problem is Oko mi Adio who has been causing one wahala or the other since they laid him off at his work place.

Can't he look for another job?

Thank you o! The problem with my husband is that he just wants to get rich quick and I have suggested many things he could do to achieve this but he would not listen to me.

Maybe what you are suggesting is not promising or lucrative enough.

Haba! Except he wants to become an armed robber! I suggested to him to set up a police force but he said there's no difference between police job and armed robbery. Can you believe that? When he said this I almost puked on behalf of the police.

If you did that, you would just have wasted your vomit. The police is not worth dying for since they can't even die for anybody, anyway.

Don't you know that he must be out of his mind? I said, okay, if you don't want police job, how about going into politics? He agreed there is plenty of money in politics but he said he could not stand the wahala (trouble). He said he cannot allow anybody to turn him into a punch bag in their wuruwuru assembly because of constituency allowance or get riddled with bullets from the assassin's gun because of a mere political disagreement.

I don't blame him. Why should anybody die like a chicken because of "chicken change"? You mean your husband calls all the "biribiri" (illicit) money in politics "chicken change"?

I could reason with him, too. So I suggested to him to set up an embassy and be issuing visas for those going to Britain or America, Hong Kong or Taiwan? I know he could be making between two and three million naira per day, five times a week. I thought he would gladly accept to do this because consular business is a very lucrative business in Niagara because everybody wants to check out like Andrew. Actually you can't blame the willing immigrants who want to break the yoke of internal slavery and escape into the land of perceived freedom where dollars are being picked on city pavements. But Oko mi Adio also rejected that. He said he would prefer another means of making money without sweating.

And which was that?

Do you know what Oko mi Adio said? Alakori e (the ne'er do well) did not mince words telling me that he wanted to set up a church and be its pastor or bishop.

What?! You mean your husband said that? Does he think there's money in church business?
Oko mi Adio believes there is no other business that pays more than church business and he is bent on setting up a ministry or church or whatever catches his fancy.

This "oko re Adio" (this Adio, your husband)must be a strange specimen of humanity.What the hell does he mean? I bet he cannot be serious.

You still do not know who oko mi Adio is. He is more than serious. For the past few months, he has been going everywhere to gather information on his project of setting up a church. The problem he has encountered is that of choosing an appropriate name for his company. It's a big dilemma for him.

Hasn't he seen some samples in town?

Yes, he has. The problem is this, he doesn't know which name to use or adopt out of the myriad of names he has come across. His feasibility study suggests that the church is a goldmine. He said he would be the pastor in charge while I, his wife, would be the Grand Matron and our son, Jimoh Omi Adio Jnr, would be the chief accountant. I said "no be me and you". I said I would not want to become the grand matron of Kirikiri Prison when the EFCC (detectives) start probing the accounts of churches. He said I should not worry my soul. But how about a name for his ministry or church? The other day, oko mi Adio showed me some names and I was equally overwhelmed not by their sheer number but what he interprets the names to be. At least, you have to give my husband that; he is as witty as they come. When I pointed out what should be the name for his church, he just waved it off immediately. It was the same story for others.
What reasons does he have for rejecting them?



Oko mi Adio is both cynical and skeptical. He looks at every name through the prism of pessimism.

Whao! Can you give examples?

Plenty. When he saw HOUSE OF JEHOVAH's PADAWANS, he did not hesitate to dismiss it as a dogmatic Calabar church where they speak in tongues after eating too much of dog meat. As for GOD'S MENNONITE CHURCH, he said he has nothing to do with a 16th century church where the emphasis is on adult baptism and, perhaps, late circumcision. He said only randy men will like to be pastors of such ministries. As for OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY CHURCH, he gave credit to the owners for being honest enough about their intention and forewarning whoever may think of joining them to think twice before handing over their wallets. Definitely he would not name his own ministry like that. For GOD IN ACTION MINISTRIES, he just concluded that money must flow to oil the wheels of progress. But he has questions for the MOVING MOUNTAIN GOSPEL CHURCH. "Have they moved Mount Kilimanjaro from where it has been all these ages?” As for this funny one, MY BROTHER IS A CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD, he has an option, how about MY SISTER IS A MUSLIM CHURCH OF ALLAH? According to him, what is good for Jesus is also good for Mohammed.

Mrs Adio, don't let us waste time. Just give me the list and let me read to you one by one while you let me have your husband's interpretation or reaction to each of them.

Good idea. Now, have it.

Here we go: DEVIL GO HEAR AM JESUS MINISTRY.

"Sermon topic or name of a church?"

ACCREDITED CHURCH OF GOD.

"Perhaps the only one licensed to clean people’s wallets".

POWER PASS POWER CHURCH OF THE MOUNTAIN MINISTRY INCORPORATED.

"True talk, especially when scriptures collide with incantations".

LABORATORY CHURCH OF GOD

"Where 'miracle babies' are manufactured".

GOD IS REAL MINISTRY. (MOTTO: JESUS NO GET MUSCLE BUT HE GET POWER)

"Sure, who no know say akpu power pass amala power?"

FIRE BURNS MINISTRIES

"Then call the fire department!"

TRIGGER HAPPY MINISTRY

"Exclusive for drunk police and extra-judicial killers".

JESUS OF GOD MISSION

"Precision! No waffling. No dragging. No dilly-dallying. Just straight to the point. Thank God, this is not Jesus of Oyingbo ministry".

GUIDED MISSILES

"For remote control during spiritual bomb attacks"

FACE TO FACE MINISTRY

"Definitely this is what remains of 'Face to Face Pools Agency' of the Kessington Adebutu days. Unfortunately after losing their savings on pools betting, church members may have nothing left for the Lord.”

EL SHADDAI SHALL NOT DIE MINISTRIES

"They say El-sha-ddai (El shall die) shall not die. This is Ministry of Confusion where people may not know whether to donate naira or dollar"

GO AND TELL AHAB THAT ELIJAH IS HERE MINISTRIES

"Why not 'Go Tell It on the Mountain that Liars are Here?"