Showing posts with label Opilogue Live. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Opilogue Live. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Oteh’s Magic and the Paradox of a Faux Pas



The encounter between Arunma Oteh, Director-General of the Securities and Exchange Commission, SEC, and Herma Hembe, erstwhile chairman of the House of Representatives’ Committee on the Capital Market and other Institutions, continues to generate comments and analyses both at home and abroad. Some describe it as a political fiasco while others say it was a collision foretold and, therefore, not unexpected, judging by the antecedents in both arms of the legislature. Indeed, it is not an unusual development. The encounter goes beyond a drama enacted on the floor of the National Assembly. It’s a kind of literary tour de force that draws anchor in Thomas Hardy’s novel, The Mayor of Casterbridge.

For students of literature the circumstance, the dramatis personae and the ingredients are virtually of the same stock. To put it more succinctly, it is too much of a coincidence that something that “happened” in the fiction world of Wessex, England, a couple of centuries ago was being played back on reality television in the Nigeria of 2012. Perhaps this goes to lend credence to the argument that while art truly mirrors life, life can also, through some kind of mystical or divine machinations, mirror art. In journalistic parlance, this is a case of man biting a dog. By all ramifications, this is hot news. And this is the literary dimension of the Oteh-Hembe clash on the floor of the Green Chambers on March 15. At the risk of being mischievous, the writer is tempted to believe that Oteh was already aware of this literary episode or had probably scanned through Hardy’s novel before she came out smoking on that fateful day, and almost choked the daylight out of her cross-examiner-in-chief.

In The Mayor of Casterbridge, a seemingly normal court process was turned into a nightmare for the chief judge, Henchard, by the accused, an old woman, a beer (furmity) seller who was being tried for disorderly conduct in public after getting drunk. Her defence was way out of this world. It was a bomb! She literally scattered the Town Hall, venue of the court hearing. She narrated how some time ago, a man, drunk like herself, behaved in a disorderly and unethical manner by selling his wife and child to a sailor for five guineas (five pounds, five shillings). And who could have done such an evil, something akin to a deliberate violation of the moral order? The woman did not leave that question hanging as she pointed in the direction of the judge himself, the mayor! Then came the clincher. “It proves he’s no better than I, and has no right to sit there in judgment upon me.” It was a damning vote of no confidence in the judge and the legal process. The judge had no choice but to voluntarily step down from his Olympian height and go down the dale of ignominy.

Oteh did no less. Accused of not running SEC very well and piling up a Mount Kilimanjaro bill in the hotel, she stayed in for eight months, while awaiting government accommodation, she looked like a piece of cake ready to be devoured by the hungry lions in the lower arm of the legislative assembly. The implication was pretty obvious – a spendthrift and incompetent person is not fit to head SEC. Like the woman in The Mayor... who took the mayor to the cleaners, Oteh screwed up courage to question the integrity of the chairman of the committee probing the affairs of SEC of which she is the DG. She rose up to stoutly defend her integrity, or what remained of it, after the battering she had had the previous day when her competence was called to question. She accused the chairman of unethical conduct by demanding money from SEC and collecting flight ticket and travelling allowance for an official journey he never undertook. She made it clear to the world that the committee was too compromised and not fit to question her or sit in judgment over her integrity. Hembe, like Henchard, his co-traveller in the temple of “justice,” had to abandon his post as chairman of what she described as a “kangaroo court.” It was a blow barely above the belt but its effect was nevertheless devastating to the committee and its members.



It was not the best way to end a hitherto noble assignment in the supposedly hallowed chambers of the legislative arm of government. By now, Hembe may still be wondering what hit him. Did he see it coming? Did anybody ever warn him to beware of the “Ides of Woman”? Hembe fell foul of the much dreaded feminine mystique and had his nose rubbed against a jagged rock. You don’t toy with an angry woman because heaven knows no fury like a woman scorned. An angry woman fights with anything she can lay her hand or head on. She can pour hot water on you, drown you in a pot of hot soup or take razor blade and redraw the contour map on your body. Check the evening papers or soft-sell magazines to see angry women in action.

In more extreme cases, a woman can manhandle her man’s manhood, bite it or sever it from its root, all in a fit of anger which goes to prove that a woman provoked to anger is like a time bomb ready to explode. Perhaps Hembe might not have run into this cul de sac if he had ample knowledge of the feminine mystique. Women may be perceived as the weaker sex but that is just on the surface. They have a fascinating aura of mystery and power that only the uninitiated would toy with. Hembe could have scored a victory, a pyrrhic one at that, the previous day but little did he realise that when a ram gives a head butt and retreats, it’s not out of cowardice but a tactical move to regain its energy and plan a new strategy. He had Oteh pinned down to a corner, March 14, but let go of her to recoup and regroup for the mother of all battles the following day. It was a tactical error or what a Malawian critic is wont to call “blunder in Blantyre”! He virtually succumbed to what students of oral literature would also describe as the “osoronga syndrome,” a kind of feminine mystique, not in the negative, demonic, cultic form but in its positive, affirmative, dynamic, revolutionary sense. They can be decisive and deadly if unjustly and disgustingly provoked, especially in public.

By now, Hembe would have learnt that women are not objects to play yo-yo with in public but who should be adored and respected for their own contributions for the advancement of the country. In whatever position politicians find themselves, they should learn to be humble. Having the power to summon people before committees should not be equated with having superiority over everybody. They are and should remain servants of the people who braved the elements and all man-made obstacles to cast their votes for them. And like in The Mayor... every public officer should always remember the day the past may walk in to question the present and spray his coffee with granulated sand. That will be quite unpalatable.

And for Oteh, it is not yet Uhuru despite her “disrobing” of the young and inexperienced committee chairman, the 2005 graduate of law from the Benue State University. She still has many crocodile-infested rivers to cross. Yes, she has an outstanding academic record and a glittering working experience both at home and abroad but her filibustering style of defence may not survive any form of legal scrutiny. “I’m-not-the-only-thief, you-are-also-a-thief” kind of argument is not, cannot and will never be a necessary or sufficient defence in any theft case. The furmity woman admits her guilt but her argument is that the mayor is equally guilty of a similar offence and should not sit in judgment over her case. Is that Oteh’s argument, too? If it is, then we don’t need a WAEC examiner to return her script with a score of F9. That goes beyond any feminine mystique.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Siddon Look. Africa Is Watching


It's happening again.

What's that?

The wind of change that is blowing across Africa.

Wind of change? You must be joking.

You are the one joking. You mean you are not aware of the happenings in North Africa?

Tell me story. I’m full of ears.

Sure, why not? The wind of revolution is blowing away sit-tight rulers as it did the remaining colonialists in Africa in the 1980s. Tunisia has fallen. Egypt is falling. Algeria is waiting. The wind is even blowing across the Arabian Peninsula. Yemenis are protesting. Jordanians are complaining too. The Arab world is turned upside down. Things are falling apart.

Wonderful! You mean these are happening in the Arab world? How did it happen?

A hungry man is an angry man. In Tunisia the people defied the police. They defied nature. They defied the law of self preservation. They set themselves ablaze. Algerians did the same. Egyptians followed suit like the kami-kaze Japanese pilots. Self immolation they call it.

I just hope the rest of Africans are watching.

Sure. It's "Siddon Look". We are watching. Ivorians are watching. Niagarans are watching. Everybody is watching

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Presidential Debate Live !


"Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though)."


Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The Presidential debate has started and I hereby call on Alhaji Abdulhaziz Article to come and tell the delegates why he thinks he is the one to carry our party's ticket. Over to you, Alhaji.

Thank you and, please, allow me to go to my points straight away. As a former Vee-Pee nobody qualifies more than I do, most especially after having served under the mercurial General who thinks he can bamboozle anybody. I fought him to a standstill. I guess my fighting spirit qualifies me more than anybody else. But that notwithstanding, I'm a gentleman who believes in agreements. I believe so much in zoning that I zoned my household by marrying six wives from the six geopolitical zones in the country. I already have Hausa, Kanuri, Igbo, Nupe and Yoruba wives. Very soon I'll add an Ijaw woman to my harem though she has to be properly screened to make sure she is not a tokunbo (fairly used) MEND wife. I'm aware that many people are wondering how I'd get money to finance all the national projects. Let me assure you that I have enough personal money to prosecute these projects. This is part of the change philosophy that I've been preaching. Finally, let me emphasise that there will be no more religious riots the very moment I'm sworn in as the next executive president of the Federal Republic of Niagara, insha Allah.

Thank you, Alhaji. Shall we now call on the Owelle of Otuoke, Jonattan Nnamdi to tell us why we should vote for him.

Pee Dee Pee!

Pawa!

Thank you very much. If my opponent says he was once a Vee-Pee I want to say I have been more than that. I was Vee-Pee, Acting Presido and now Presido. I was also Deputy Chairman, Acting Chairman, Chairman (Niagara), Chairman (ECOWAS) and Chairman (Oloibiri Descendants’ Union). I'm sure you will be wondering why I still want to be President. The answer is simple. I need to establish a strong foothold in the polity by extending my magic wand to every nook and corner. As for the argument on zoning let me say I don't believe in it at all. That's why I have only one wife. Mine is one man, one wife. One man, one vote. One angry man, one matchet. One nation, one destiny. Why do I need more than one wife when our people believe that one wife is equal to one trouble? Therefore, it follows that six wives will be equal to six troubles! Niagara is enough trouble for any president. My opponent also claims that he has enough personal money to carry out the nation's responsibilities. Good. As for me I have no such money but come to Oloibiri and you’ll see a bottomless well of crude money. With this kind of money I can assure you that Niagara will, by 2013, be producing 16 megawatts of electricity for our tiny population of 150 million!!!! At this juncture let me assure you that if you vote for me there will be no more kidnapping, no more pipeline vandalisation and no bomb explosions. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I want to say before every man and woman present here today that I don't have a kobo (penny) abroad but plenty of goodwill on FaceBoob (yes, you hear me well), inexhaustible good luck on the corridor of power and abundant patience at the homefront.

We shall now call on Mrs Jubrilla Aminu to round up with her own argument.

Thank you, Mr. Moderator. Everybody knows me as the stubborn she-goat that never gives up. I'm brave, bold and beautiful. I'm resillient, tenacious and, even, pugnacious! The harder the men intimidate me, the harder I kick their underbelly. I don't mind being the perennial presidential candidate. Who cares? I'll always show my face. Men are good for nothing. The only good one among them is a loverboy, nay, gigolo! They must be confronted whether on FaceBoob or BackBoob on whatever! During the day they do gragra, displaying fake muscles, only to fall like a pack of cards at night. They are useless. Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though). Vote for me, vote for gender equality, affirmative action and free, qualitative beauty treatment in all salons in the federation! Yes, give me a place to stand and I'll shake the world!

Hear! Hear!! Hear!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pastors, Impostors and Liars



‘My husband] believes that there is no other business that pays more than church business and he is bent on setting up a ministry or church…’



My friend, I guess you must have been wondering where I've been since all these days. Well, you don't have to worry. I dey kampe like the husband of my Egba friend would say. The only problem is Oko mi Adio who has been causing one wahala or the other since they laid him off at his work place.

Can't he look for another job?

Thank you o! The problem with my husband is that he just wants to get rich quick and I have suggested many things he could do to achieve this but he would not listen to me.

Maybe what you are suggesting is not promising or lucrative enough.

Haba! Except he wants to become an armed robber! I suggested to him to set up a police force but he said there's no difference between police job and armed robbery. Can you believe that? When he said this I almost puked on behalf of the police.

If you did that, you would just have wasted your vomit. The police is not worth dying for since they can't even die for anybody, anyway.

Don't you know that he must be out of his mind? I said, okay, if you don't want police job, how about going into politics? He agreed there is plenty of money in politics but he said he could not stand the wahala (trouble). He said he cannot allow anybody to turn him into a punch bag in their wuruwuru assembly because of constituency allowance or get riddled with bullets from the assassin's gun because of a mere political disagreement.

I don't blame him. Why should anybody die like a chicken because of "chicken change"? You mean your husband calls all the "biribiri" (illicit) money in politics "chicken change"?

I could reason with him, too. So I suggested to him to set up an embassy and be issuing visas for those going to Britain or America, Hong Kong or Taiwan? I know he could be making between two and three million naira per day, five times a week. I thought he would gladly accept to do this because consular business is a very lucrative business in Niagara because everybody wants to check out like Andrew. Actually you can't blame the willing immigrants who want to break the yoke of internal slavery and escape into the land of perceived freedom where dollars are being picked on city pavements. But Oko mi Adio also rejected that. He said he would prefer another means of making money without sweating.

And which was that?

Do you know what Oko mi Adio said? Alakori e (the ne'er do well) did not mince words telling me that he wanted to set up a church and be its pastor or bishop.

What?! You mean your husband said that? Does he think there's money in church business?
Oko mi Adio believes there is no other business that pays more than church business and he is bent on setting up a ministry or church or whatever catches his fancy.

This "oko re Adio" (this Adio, your husband)must be a strange specimen of humanity.What the hell does he mean? I bet he cannot be serious.

You still do not know who oko mi Adio is. He is more than serious. For the past few months, he has been going everywhere to gather information on his project of setting up a church. The problem he has encountered is that of choosing an appropriate name for his company. It's a big dilemma for him.

Hasn't he seen some samples in town?

Yes, he has. The problem is this, he doesn't know which name to use or adopt out of the myriad of names he has come across. His feasibility study suggests that the church is a goldmine. He said he would be the pastor in charge while I, his wife, would be the Grand Matron and our son, Jimoh Omi Adio Jnr, would be the chief accountant. I said "no be me and you". I said I would not want to become the grand matron of Kirikiri Prison when the EFCC (detectives) start probing the accounts of churches. He said I should not worry my soul. But how about a name for his ministry or church? The other day, oko mi Adio showed me some names and I was equally overwhelmed not by their sheer number but what he interprets the names to be. At least, you have to give my husband that; he is as witty as they come. When I pointed out what should be the name for his church, he just waved it off immediately. It was the same story for others.
What reasons does he have for rejecting them?



Oko mi Adio is both cynical and skeptical. He looks at every name through the prism of pessimism.

Whao! Can you give examples?

Plenty. When he saw HOUSE OF JEHOVAH's PADAWANS, he did not hesitate to dismiss it as a dogmatic Calabar church where they speak in tongues after eating too much of dog meat. As for GOD'S MENNONITE CHURCH, he said he has nothing to do with a 16th century church where the emphasis is on adult baptism and, perhaps, late circumcision. He said only randy men will like to be pastors of such ministries. As for OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY CHURCH, he gave credit to the owners for being honest enough about their intention and forewarning whoever may think of joining them to think twice before handing over their wallets. Definitely he would not name his own ministry like that. For GOD IN ACTION MINISTRIES, he just concluded that money must flow to oil the wheels of progress. But he has questions for the MOVING MOUNTAIN GOSPEL CHURCH. "Have they moved Mount Kilimanjaro from where it has been all these ages?” As for this funny one, MY BROTHER IS A CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD, he has an option, how about MY SISTER IS A MUSLIM CHURCH OF ALLAH? According to him, what is good for Jesus is also good for Mohammed.

Mrs Adio, don't let us waste time. Just give me the list and let me read to you one by one while you let me have your husband's interpretation or reaction to each of them.

Good idea. Now, have it.

Here we go: DEVIL GO HEAR AM JESUS MINISTRY.

"Sermon topic or name of a church?"

ACCREDITED CHURCH OF GOD.

"Perhaps the only one licensed to clean people’s wallets".

POWER PASS POWER CHURCH OF THE MOUNTAIN MINISTRY INCORPORATED.

"True talk, especially when scriptures collide with incantations".

LABORATORY CHURCH OF GOD

"Where 'miracle babies' are manufactured".

GOD IS REAL MINISTRY. (MOTTO: JESUS NO GET MUSCLE BUT HE GET POWER)

"Sure, who no know say akpu power pass amala power?"

FIRE BURNS MINISTRIES

"Then call the fire department!"

TRIGGER HAPPY MINISTRY

"Exclusive for drunk police and extra-judicial killers".

JESUS OF GOD MISSION

"Precision! No waffling. No dragging. No dilly-dallying. Just straight to the point. Thank God, this is not Jesus of Oyingbo ministry".

GUIDED MISSILES

"For remote control during spiritual bomb attacks"

FACE TO FACE MINISTRY

"Definitely this is what remains of 'Face to Face Pools Agency' of the Kessington Adebutu days. Unfortunately after losing their savings on pools betting, church members may have nothing left for the Lord.”

EL SHADDAI SHALL NOT DIE MINISTRIES

"They say El-sha-ddai (El shall die) shall not die. This is Ministry of Confusion where people may not know whether to donate naira or dollar"

GO AND TELL AHAB THAT ELIJAH IS HERE MINISTRIES

"Why not 'Go Tell It on the Mountain that Liars are Here?"

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Octopussy!


Pix* southdacola.com


Ki ne ko o o!

Yes, the Jubilani War is over and it’s time to do a post-war analysis. Over to you, once again, Chief Ademoyega.

Thank you. Actually there isn’t much to say other than to let you have some snippets about what has made this 2010 World Cup a very interesting and unforgetable event. My intention is to take you on a roller coaster ride down the Table Mountain and see how the different teams had fared and to show one or two lessons accruing from the 30-day fiesta. However, I want to digress a little to go down memory lane. First and foremost I want to congratulate the Zulu and the Xhosa for waging the jabulani war otherwise known as the 2010 Woza World Cup. Azania, their ancestral home, had been the theatre of war for 30 days and many elephants had trampled on their sacred turf causing a lot of direct and collateral damage. Within this war they successfully fought the war of nomenclature — whether the ball’s name should be spelt jabulani or jubilani or jebalawin. Can you imagine? But so liberal are they that they gave their nod for any one chosen, be it jabulani or jubilani or jebalawin or, even, jagunlabi or whatever. Hence the confusionist theories of nomenclature which pervaded media reports right from Cape Town to Cape Kennedy and from Port Elizabeth to Port Said. Second is the fight over the origin and use of vuvuzela, the noise making device, supposedly native to the South Africans. This was very interesting and, as a FIFA archivist, I had to dig deep into this high decibel controversy. My findings show that different groups lay claim to the copyright. The Zulu, for instance, say vuvuzela is a descendant of their traditional kudu horn, a type of instrument created from the horn of a kudu antelope which they used to communicate with one another in those days when human eyes were located on knees! Members of the Shembe Church also known as Nazareth Baptist Church of South Africa also claim the vuvuzela was introduced in 1910 by one of them, Prophet Isiah Shembe (founder of the church), to play alongside African drums when they dance and worship. It was a way of indigenising and enlivening the somewhat plastic, frigid lithurgy of the orthodox religions. It was a musical fusion that worked like magic on depressed souls. The third group are the Chinese who lay claim to having a similar bugle which their forebears used to drive away locusts on their farms, something akin to a scarecrow. Today, they have perfected the art of making about 200,000 plastic vuvuzelas per day. And they are, as Niagarans would say, smiling to the banks. By the way, who cries to the bank? Many of the vuvuzelas you saw on television were made in China. But neither the noise making nor the exhibitionist show of faith by most African teams at the beginning, middle and end of matches won games for them.

Ki ne e ko!

Yes, it’s time but the race is not always for the swiftest (Usain Bolt must not hear that). If it were, Uruguay, the weakest of the six South American teams would not have been the only semifinalist where Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay and Honduras were expected to hold sway. But they all fell like mortally wounded elephants. Among the African teams Ivory Coast was adjudged the best before the World Cup started but it could not survive in the group of death. Ghana was equally in a dangerous zone but it survived. As fate would have it, Ghana was the first country to be awarded a penalty kick which it utilised to beat Serbia. Yet it was a penalty shootout that put paid to its ambition to become the first African nation to reach the semi-final. Thus, the Osagyefo boys ended their journey the way they started. Penalty in, penalty out. However FIFA has noted that those countries that invested in youth performed exceptionally well. Rewind the tape and see how both Ghana and Germany went on the rampage chasing their opponents all over the field like drunken bulls. Indeed, the future of soccer is in the legs of genuinely young players not fabricated youths with surplus overaged gangling (read dangling) legs that have sired many football heroes before the Woza World Cup. But the Germans overshot the runway in their bid to win the cup the fourth time. They relied too much on superstition. Like Macbeth and the three witches, they seemed to have had their destiny locked up in the crystal ball of Paul, the octopus, who doubled as their “babalawo” with an unusual psychic power. He had predicted that Spain, their semi-final opponents, would defeat them though they (the Germans) had a seemingly unstoppable machine against any foe. Alas, the fear of failure rendered them impotent on the day that mattered most. It was a cagey, unusually ultra-defensive German team that faced the extremely mobile Spaniards in that encounter. They (the Spaniards) did not stay back like matadors taunting drunken bulls in Madrid. Instead they charged like battering rams at the Germans who, uncharacteristically, refused to come out smoking and firing on all cylinders as they did against Australia, Ghana, England and Argentina. Rather, they came out with their tails tucked between their legs. Their eight-legged “voodoo priest” had instilled fear in their brain! Even their coach was also caught up in the psychic “go slow” drama. He would not change his “magic” blue sweater even if it was smelling of stale cologne! The “sea prophet”, no doubt, had turned every German into “mumu” (prisoner of superstition). They were too “octopussy” for my liking.

Ki ne e ko!

Yes, it’s time to look further away from the octopoid psychic saga that is as surreal as James Bond’s Octopussy or Goldfinger or Dr. No. The most talked about stars were no where to be found. Rooney was just roaming the field like a blind man in a blind alley. Ronaldo had a goal dry-spell and could only use his back to smuggle a goal in against the North Koreans who may have ended up in jail for disgracing “The Leader,” Kim Sung II, for conceding a tsunami of goals in the competition. And how about Messi? The poor boy thoroughy messed up himself with his unprofitable mesmerising moves on the periphery of the 18-yard box. No thanks to Enyeama, the super goalie of the super flop eagles, who “stole” his confidence when they met on June 12. How’re the mighty fallen! But it was not Messi alone that messed up... We also messed up. One day NFF was killed and buried. The second day ghosts sauntered out, a la Michael Jackson’s Thriller, to sack some of the killed and buried executives. The third day government unburied and unkilled the already killed and buried NFF. And FIFA, same day, returned the red card to its breast pocket. No more sanctions. And everybody smiled. Government magic! Fela must be laughing in his grave.

Ki ne e ko!

Yes, it’s time to shout. Viva Blatter! Fifa Jonathan! The more we look, the less we see.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Affidavit Written in a City Courtyard


pix *www.nigeria-law.org


“I have made this declaration in good faith believing same to be true and correct in all materials particular in accordance with the statutory declaration of Egin State law of Oaths and Affidavits of 1958”


I, Obaluwaye Adelana, Ologbo Ijakadi II, the Oriade of Kobomoje, male, Chrislam traditionalist, ruler and pencil, Niagaran citizen, residing at No 1, Aafin Edidare Street, Enuowa, Kobomoje, do solemnly swear and declare as follows:

That as the second in command to the gods I can do and undo. I can kiss. I can kill. I can love. I can hurt. I can put my foot on the bosom of any woman that catches my fancy and marry her on the spot;

That I'm not mad. Neither is mad madding me. I'm far from the madding crowd;
That, because of the aforesaid, I accepted to become the king of Kobomoje because of the premordial powers kingship thrusts on the incumbent;

That the recent allegations against my person that I unlawfully assaulted a woman believed to be my wife are baseless, null, void and of no consequence;

That the woman parading herself as the First Ayaba and victim of an alleged battery and assault by my royal self is a fake, pirated copy of the original "tear rubber" ayaba (king's wife);

That the fake First Ayaba has no locus standi in my palace;

That, in fact, the so called ayaba was born and bred in Taiwan, so she is the one that should be sent back to her mother in Taipei as “fairly used tokunbo engine”, not me;

That on the day of the so-called ritual combat that has become the talk of the town I was not the one that led the commando unit that raided her hideout;

That, rather, I was in the control room in my multi-purpose humvee while the royal commandos and chiefs were "doing etutu" (performing sacrifice) on her body;

That it was not cocaine that was poured on her but coke brewed and bottled in Colombia;

That such a liquid substance cannot peel anybody's skin except the skin of an "ajebutter", pepperless, gravy-leaking woman;

That I'm a modern, progressive, forward-looking king who admires and loves his wives equally and would not do anything to brew unhealthy rivalry and jealousy in the royal court;

That I am a firm believer in domestic democracy and that's why my wives have equal rights and claims to my fountain of goodies where they drink to their satisfaction;
That I only sow my seeds where I can reap a bountiful harvest after nine months of rainfall and sunshine;

That as far as I know all my wives have diplomatic relations with one another and none of them needs to be dean of the "diplovematic" corps to enter the royal bed;

That I am a victim of circumstance and I have the following facts to prove my case:

*Fellow kings do worse than what I am alleged to have done. They pronounce wicked judgements in their palaces and order extra-judicial punishments on civil matters involving their subjects. They jail the poor and let go the rich while government pretends not to see them except innocent king like me.

*People in higher authorities do worse too. I know of a former chairman of the nation's unlimited liability company who caned a gateman publicly while on an inspection tour of the company's factories.

*I know of a damaging director who almost damaged his wife chasing her down the road and giving her the beating of her life for daring to fight his mistress after catching both of them "red-legged" on their matrimonial bed. No director raised a finger.

*I know a judge who engaged a litigant in fisticuffs right on the road for only God knows what. He was punished but not sent to Siberia like me.

*I know of a king who is also a pastor who beat up his mistress, a member of his congregation, poured petrol on her and set her ablaze in a fit of jealousy and anger. They punished him but nobody removed his "bearded crown", yet they have snatched my own "beaded crown" for a lesser offence.

Furthermore, I solemnly and respectfully declare:

That I have been wrongfully accused and put in the same dock as ordinary criminals;

That, yes, I'm wild but it's for a reason. It is not with "ojuboro" (ease) that you snatch the children of palm kernel from their mother;

That one is an endangered species if one doesn't have money, doesn't have "gbekude" (spiritual protection) and doesn't have eyes that are perpetually red like "oju amugbo" ( the eyes of pot smokers)? What will one use to frighten "omo araye" (people)?;

That it's a lie that I beat my wife;

That it's she that behaved like a female "ajantala" (enfant terrible) and attacked me by removing my crown, wrapping my "agbada" round my face and dumping me in the ditch --- crown, beads and horsetail. Come and see Oriade panting in the gutter!;

That she is the one that should be restricted to a remote area. It's wrong to snatch my crown and ask me to leave town. Thus, I submit that my transfer to Igbobini is malicious, ultra vires, anti-culture and anti-status of a first class oba;

That Igbobini, the hometown of my "ajantala" wife, is too remote for my status. If Oriade should be restricted at all I'd opt for Igbotako or Oke Igbo or Igbokoda but if it is compulsory I must be restricted to one bush (igbo) or the other why not Igbo Olodumare or Igbo Irunmole or Igbo Elegbeje where I can have free daily access to fellow demons? I appeal.

I have made this declaration in good faith believing same to be true and correct in all materials particular in accordance with the statutory declaration of Egin State Law of Oaths and Affidavits of 1958.

Signed (Ologbo Ijakadi II)

D E C L A R A N T

Sworn to at the Adesina Court Registry, Kobomoje, Akure, Egin State, this 15th day of June, 1986.

BEFORE ME

Bolanle Oluwasesan Tenibegiloju
COMMISSIONER OF OATHS

Note: This Opilogue first appeared in TELL, June 21, 2010.

Monday, June 28, 2010

BULLSHIT IN THE HOUSE


Pix credit *www.nigerianbestforum.com


Yeh! Yeh!! Yeh!!!

What's troubling you?

Sir, can't you see the legislators fighting themselves?

Point of correction. They are not fighting themselves but one another. That's what I taught JSS 3 last week. Nobody fights himself except he is mad.

Exactly, sir! I think they are mad.

No, they are not mad. It is mad that is madding them.

Then we should leave the public gallery immediately, sir. Our literaure teacher says we must always be far from the madding crowd.

Actually I didn't know this would happen today we wouldn't have come visiting on the day the road to the national assembly was famished. Well, I hope you did not see too much of the ugly display.

As for me, sir, I saw plenty. I saw a law breaker, sorry, a law maker give another one a blow on the head. I saw one tear the dress of the other to pieces and made him look like a student on a rag day.

Sir, I also saw something.

What's that?

I saw a woman almost disrobed and I bet they would have exposed her nakedness if not for the TV cameras that saved the situation.

How do you mean?

Master! If those people didn't fear anything at least they feared the cameras. I could see that anytime they saw the TV camera panned in the direction of two combatants the others would provide a human shield to cover them.

Okay, let me tell you that what you saw was just a child's play compared to what normally happens in Japanese, Korean, Pakistani and Indian parliaments. Even in the old Western Region it was battle royale in their house of assembly. There was even a time that the fighting was so tough that the law makers had to jump out through the window to escape the mini war inside during which matchets, knives, guns, tear gas, amulets and talisman were used. Anyway I hope you have learnt a lesson from this. Liadi, you used to say you would like to become a legislator, do you still think that is feasible in view of what we have just witnessed?

It's still feasible, sir. It's the most lucrative business in the (Niagara) world. Even at the point of death I'd like to have a bite at the national cake also. All I have to do is that I will always arm myself to the hilt with American, British and Native insurance before leaving home everyday. Actually it's good I came here today. The works of our elders are works of wisdom. I have learnt a lot. As Chinua Achebe says in "Things Fall Apart" when mother cow is chewing grass its young ones watch its mouth. We have watched our elders in the house and we shall put to practice what we have learnt, insha Allah!

Bullshit! God have mercy!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Farewell, Umoru

By DELE OMOTUNDE


“Some people came to play to the gallery. They said your death was a rude shock to them. … These were the same people who said you had died many times before your death”




Umoru! Umoru! Can you hear me? It's me, the "para psycho". Remember I promised to tell you everything that took place during your funeral. Are you there? Can you remember me? I'm Dr Oyewole, the para-psychologist who appeared to you in your dream while you were in Koma. I can tell you categorically that everything went well as far as your burial was concerned. You must be a devout Muslim, indeed, because your people gave you a first-class Islamic burial. Immediately your spirit departed your body I saw you as you flew on the wing of immortality. You passed through Saudi, then to Yemen, to Syria, to Lebanon and back to Asokoro where you stood near the pearly gate. Nobody saw you except me. You can trust! In the meantime a signal was dispatched from the seat of power to the imams and other Islamic clerics in your home state to prepare your final resting place.


Umoru, thank you gan an (very much) for asking me to carry out this assignment on your behalf or else I wouldn't have been able to see how really simple a Muslim burial could be. Peep down and see your grave! The length is made slightly longer than the length of your body and the width is between one and a half and two feet. Young macho men assisted in digging the grave. First, they dug to a depth of about two feet. Then they dug a hole within a hole. This inner hole, I learnt, is called "ya" and it is about a foot wide, the same length as your body’s. The depth of the "ya" is about a foot and a half or, as I was told, deep enough to contain any corpse when it was laid on its side, face turned eastwards in the direction of the sacred Kaaba in Mecca.


Your body was washed, shrouded and placed in a hammock-like bed, covered with the "kubba", a piece of cloth, on top of which was placed the national flag. You were then carried to the stadium by service chiefs where prayers were said by the Chief Imam who stood in the middle of your body as he prayed. I learnt if you were a female he would have moved close to your shoulders before praying. And no sooner had the prayers finished than your remains were carried shoulder high to the grave where they were interred in the hole-within-a-hole and pieces of broken pots used to cover it. Part of the soil dug out of the grave was mixed with water and the mud used to cover the broken pieces of pot while the remaining dry soil was used to cover the entire grave to a height of about one foot. The simplicity and symbolism of your burial sank into my brain and drew an anchor there.


But some people came to play to the gallery. They said your death was a rude shock to them. They can say that to the fishermen of Argungu. These were the same people who had earlier said you had died many times before your death. They are cowards who cannot call a spade a spade.


Umoru, I stand before you and your God today to say the truth and nothing but the truth. I'm not here to say your death was a surprise when many had already seen it coming.

For instance, the anticipation of your death led to the birth of the "doctrine of necessity" and the emergence of a "khalifa-in-waiting". But you can trust politicians. Even the most naive of them have two mouths and a "spare tongue" to run wild. I'll not join them to say you would have been the swiftest president the country had ever had (if death had not waylaid you in your track) when everybody knew and called you "Baba Goslow". Now that you have become "Baba Fullstop" they are not bold to say so. They are shell-shocked! Shell shock my foot! But it's not your making. As a Fulani, whether Fulani Birni Gida (Town Fulani) or Fulani Daji (Cow Fulani), you were supposed to be among the swiftest creatures in the savanah chasing after glory for the Fatherland but destiny can be wicked, unjust and unfair. One thing I know, you were not really cut out to suffer as you did. You were born into a family that lacked nothing. Your father was a politician, your elder brother was a politician, you were a politician, your nephew is a politician, your wife is a politician, your sons-in-law are politicians, every living and non-living thing in your household is a politician. In Niagara, politicians don't suffer because politics is a paying job. But how blessed can one be! Umoru, you were, indeed, blessed. You belonged to an aristocratic Fulani family where the bulk of political power in the country resides. O Nobility!


You had a liberal education, graduating with a B.Sc Chemistry (Education) and a master's in Analytical Chemistry though your chemistry failed you in politics. You forgot that in politics "X" is the unknown factor. Anything can happen. And it did happen. You were as fit as a fiddle when you were drafted to compete in the presidential primaries of your party in December 2006. By what looked like a made-in-Egbaland magical realism you polled 3,024 votes to beat Rolls Royce Okorochas who could manage only a total of 372 votes despite his fleet of goodwill. Do you remember what some people called your victory? Govrnment magic! Everybody was surprised that you, "Jude the Obscure", could emerge from nowhere to beat every aspirant hands down. Yes, in politics anything can happen, that's my understanding, Umoru. And that’s how you came to power!


Unfortunately, though your engine was willing, your chassis was too weak to carry the load of your presidency. But should anybody blame you? Sebi ( was it not that ) you were sitting down "jeje" in your "rugan Fulani" (farm house) when this Baba Iyaboh of a “militician” came to drag you into the battle field saying, "Umoru, o ya, fire!" "I say it's your turn, aim, fire!" Yes, you had the gun but you could neither hold it nor pull the trigger. It was a pity. In your conscious and unconscious absence the whole country was turned into a bazaar, a sort of all comers market and you, a hostage for cheap bargaining and crass opportunism. Now the die is cast. The market has ended. The doors of Aso Shopping Mall have closed. Turaih, your "uwargida" (senior wife), has gone home with her children. Nobody seemed to have seen Hauwah, your former "karamar kishiya" (junior wife), for a reason I do not understand. Is it true she was your wife for only five years? Is it true you left only one house as your physical legacy? Now, hold it. I can see Aminu Kano beckoning to you. ... Look to your right.... Yes. Go and meet him. Hold him. Hug him. Shake him. As it is done on earth, so it is in heaven. Farewell, Umoru. Don't eat tuwo. Don't eat sokura. Eat only what they eat in aljanah.


Monday, February 22, 2010

Farook, My Son, Yaya De?


Pix credit: TELL Photo


What you did, Farook, has contributed to the state
of coma in which the country has slumped
in Saudi. But why did you do it?

Hello, Farook! Farook, hello! Can you hear me? It’s me, your baba. Yaya de? They say I can have this telephone conversation with you. Don’t worry, this is something good about the Americans. They don’t mean any harm. What! No, Farook. Nobody is bugging you... Lai lah, hilalahu... I swear, yaro na. Bakomi. Don’t worry yourself, just tell me why you did it...No o! I say don’t worry. Nobody is bugging or eavesdropping on our conversation. Feel free. Theirs is a free world. So, if you like you can speak in English throughout because I know you have lost your mother tongue in garin turai (white man's land). What? You mean you can still converse in Hausa and Fulfude? Good! It means you are not totally lost. Yaya de? Lafia ko? Sorry o, you mean you are not feeling fine inside American Kuje? No, Farook, don’t curse anybody for what you have caused yourself. By the way, tell me what they are offering you in their prison...Yes, yes, hmmm...You mean they serve you chicken and lamb? What? Abomination! You mean they gave you pork to eat? Sege, danboro. … Sorry, I think I should mind my language. Okay, you sleep on a good bed? Fine. You even watch TV? Akoi NTA, AIT and CHANNELS? Oh, no! It’s only American TV channels? By the way, did I hear you say they are interesting? Kai, yaro na, they want to spoil you sam sam. Haba! What a life of luxury...Say that again...Ehn en, ehn en...Ah! Wayo, Allah! You mean they asked you all sorts of questions during your initial interrogations? Allahu Akbar! You mean they asked you questions about all the Caliphs that have ruled the caliphate? These bature people! What did they want to know about Usuman dan Fodiyo? You said they even asked you about the local ayatollahs, the sheikhs, the imams and the almajiris... Wayo, Allah! Hmm... Hmm... Next time they ask you, tell them we have maitatsine, boko haram and kalakato. You can tell them that kalakato originated from Kalakuta to reflect our federal character structure. Ka ji ko? What! You don’t mean it? Are you saying they also asked you about the sultans, the sardaunas, the Zakky Zakkys and the Maitatsines? Allahu Akbar! You mean they even asked you about Boko Haram and Kalakato? Please, don’t worry unduly...

Yaro na, hello...hello...hello, are you there? Listen carefully. Your mother is cross with you. Your brother, Yusuf, is mad with you. Your friend, Suleiman, is angry with you. Your primary school teacher, Usman, is sweating cold sweat because of you… naughty boy…! Even government officials are raving and fuming. Dorah is frowning. Ojoh is fumbling. OndoAccra is fouling the air, shouting Kaase! Nobody knows whether that is a curse or not. He will just seize the microphone from government media advisers and shout Kaase! Only God knows whether that’s an obscenity or not. In fact, what you did has contributed to the state of coma in which the country has slumped in Saudi. But Farook, da na, why did you do it? I did not send you abroad to learn how to kill. Islam is a religion of peace. I sent you abroad so you can come back and become a permanent secretary within five months, or join the army and become a general within 10 months. Farook, you have disappointed me. I wanted you to be one of the northern elite destined to rule this country, but you bungled it.…

What are you saying? O my God! You mean one unkempt idiot somewhere said you would die a matyr and marry seven virgins! Matyr my foot! Even if you die a matyr and you go to heaven and you are offered seven virgins what instruments are you going to use to work on all of them at the same time? Or don’t you know that aljanah virgins are very jealous and very demanding? My son, you are a fool to believe that you can still function properly after blowing off your “gaba”. Now that you failed in your mission, what are you going to use if, per chance, you are paroled? Larei, Laraba, Hajiya, Mero and Sawaba can no longer wait for you. Their fathers are worrying them to look for new suitors. Farook, see your life! Even Bryson, the man who loves anything virgin, would have rejected that Greek offer from your so-called al-Qaeda friends!

My son, it’s not only the family you have shamed. You have shamed the North, the South, the West, the East and the Middle Belt. Nobody can travel freely abroad again...Shut up! I say shrrrup! Let me talk. Do you know what your mother and I went through to travel to New York the other day? They practically undressed us in search of remnants of your bomb. They ransacked my gaba and “touched” everywhere under my babaringa. Your mother broke down and wept openly, something she had never done before. Yaro na, this is a shame. If I may ask you, what are you going to tell FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies as the reason for carrying that bomb on board and why? What? Say that again...Hello, hello, yaro na, menene? Yaya de? Ah, ah, Farrruuuku, are you crying? You say no? Kai, wayo, Allah! But I heard you sobbing just now. Okay, son, don’t cry even if you say you are not crying. Weep no more. The deed has been done. We are now in the league of terrorists because when our neighbours were eating crickets and cockroaches as dinner in Zamfara and Gombe, we did not warn them. Now their nocturnal coughs will not allow us to sleep. My son, you have joined them to murder the sleep of the Americans. And now, we shall all sleep no more. Ka ji ko?

Our President Who Art in BBC…

Pix credit:newstimeafrica.com

This is BBC HarshTalk. I’m Sebastian Gregory and with me in the studio today is the controversial Niagaran minister of injustice and the anthony general of the federation, Mr Mitchell OndoAccra. Honourable minister, you are welcome to the programme.

Thank you very much for having me in your studio and I hope by the time I take my leave some myths about me would have been broken and jettisoned.

Perhaps we should take off on this note. Within the Niagaran community here in Britain, there are those who believe that your name, OndoAccra, is a strange combination of the names of two cities in Niagara and Ghana, which symbolises the seemingly perennial political confusion in Niagara and also what your presence in government has caused in the realm of legal interpretations from your ministry. By the way, for the purpose of educating the viewers, you may want to give the meaning of your name and how you came about it. Is OndoAccra native to the Niger-Benue people?

Kaase! You can’t stand the story of my people. We are a warlike species, the kind you see in Burma, Iraq, Pakistan and Afghanistan, plus or minus the Talibans ... But, anyway, that’s not the story for today. What I just want to say is that those who say my name is a strange combination of Niagaran and Ghanaian town names are the ignorant, uninformed, maladjusted Niagarans in the Diaspora. These are the people who have lost contacts with their roots. They had better listen to Lucky Dube’s “Roots” and retrace their steps back home instead of focussing undue attention on some backstreet towns in West Africa.

Beg your pardon? Will you say Ondo and Accra, the capital of Ghana, are backstreet towns?

As far as I’m concerned, these towns are not mentioned in the Niagaran constitution and are, therefore, null and void, and of no consequence.

I’m sure the British Broadcasting Corporation, BBC, does not exist either, going by your legal intervention, but, if I may ask, why did your parliament resolve the constitutional crisis based on a foreign radio transmission? Was that not unconstitutional since the BBC is not projected in the constitution as the vehicle through which the president can convey or transmit requests to the parliament?
There is nothing unconstitutional about that. Those who are saying so are just being mischievious. Modern technology has made it possible for presidents, prime ministers, dictators, kings, queens and even ayatollahs to transmit power and largesse via text messages, e-mails and MMS. The president, if he likes, can upload on YouTube, FaceBook and Twitter details about the country’s troops and cash movements from one war zone to the other, especially on election days.

Right. But why didn’t the president’s men use these facilities to show his visage even if it is Gorgon Medusa’s on FaceBook when he was said to have signed the budget, at least, to allay the fears of Niagarans?

You seem not to know our people. They are the worst specimens of cynics and pessimists ever created after the biblical Job. They can make any Thomas grin with envy with their predilection towards doubting any government move. I won’t be surprised if they lack Patience and refuse to allow Turaih to continue as acting First Lady to the acting president.

Sure? Well, that brings me to the question that has been agitating the minds of many observers of the Niagaran political scene. Why is a first lady so powerful in Niagara, yet she has only seven ribs none of which is recognised by the constitution?
If I may throw the question back at you, too, why is Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, so powerful yet you, the British, have no (written) constitution?
Simple. We run a monarchy and, by convention, she is the ceremonial head of government.

You see, we are practically saying the same thing. In England, the queen is the ceremonial head of government while in Niagara, the king is the de jure head. QED! So Sebastian, remember, those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
If that’s the way you see it, fine. But for the benefit of the listeners, perhaps you may want to give us an insight into how the government of Niagara was being run in far away Saudi Taraba.

That’s pretty obvious. While the de jure president was in Koma, the de facto ‘president’ was making hay in Oloibiri lest the oilwells ran dry.

Beg your pardon? I didn’t get that.

Sebastian, in Niagara, the more you look, the less you see. Let’s leave it at that. I’m a lawyer, I can’t be saying the whole truth. No lawyer does that.

So, did you see the president at all while he was in Koma? I learnt most of you could not gain access to his hospital bed and that some of you even camped in Yola waiting for an opportunity to catch a glimpse of him to no avail but came back to say they saw him hale and hearty, jogging in the mountains with the Super Eagles who were en route Angola. Your foreign affairs minister, Ojoh Madukaykay, was in that seat recently and when I put the question to him, it sounded more like Greek to him than his native Igbo language. What’s really going on? Why was it difficult for you, cabinet ministers, to consult with the president while in Koma?

Who told you he was in Koma? Anyway, there is nowhere it is written in the constitution that we should have face-to-face chat with the boss. If you care to know, our president is a damn good blogger like Obama. He blogs like no man’s business. He is savvy with the Internet. He is always carrying a blackberry in his left hand and a rosary in the right one. We contact him quite often by listening to BBC and through text messages, telephone calls, MMS and, you will be surprised, we even see him by telepathy on FaceBook! What else?

Nothing more except that some of your people are of the opinion that there’s too much deceit and deception in the system, so much that a colleague of yours in the cabinet wrote a memo to protest this grotesque, if not insulting, assault on the intellect of the generality of Niagarans...

If I follow the trend of your argument very well, I guess you were referring to Roda’s memo. Don’t mind her. She is just a rambler, a rabble-rousing professor who wants to play heroic in the corridor of power and not in the lecture theatre where she belongs as a professor of drugs.

You must be kidding! With due apology, Mr Minister, I think you got it wrong. Dissent is an essential ingredient of democracy. A real leader is one who stands up for the truth even at the risk of his or her life. I’m sure the rest of the world will not agree that she is a rambler.

She is. I repeat, she is. By the way, what’s her locus standi? We only invited her to come and eat and she wants to grow wings! That’s never done. Government is a dinner party. You eat and eat and eat until you are eased out from the dinner table. You don’t come to government and start looking at people’s yansh.

Last question, please. What happens if the president has another stream of consciousness and grants another one-minute interview to VOA or BBC or Reuters or AP saying he is ready to play golf with Tiger Woods?

That’s a ‘woody’ question. Only the Senate can answer that.

Opilogue is back. Thanks to those who kept the line of communication open despite the “indefinite” break.