Our Gods Must Be Crazy!

Balarabe

pix credit: magazine.biafranigeriaworld.cm/chinua-achebe

This is “Pack a Punch” FM Radio transmitting from Onipetesi, Agege Motor Way, Eko Akete, to all the concerned people of Niagara both at home and in the Diaspora. We are now suspending our regular programming to bring you Broken News, the latest cliches as compiled by our editorial team led by Kashmir Igbokwenu.

Thank you, Amaka Abodehreen. Our research team has discovered for the umpteenth time that Niagara is a broken record and it remains stuck in a perpetual groove of oddities. What we see every day as new problems are really not. They are, indeed, recycled headaches. Most happenings and talkshops in a particular year are a repetition of the issues discussed in the previous years. What we say today is what we said yesterday, and what we are going to say tomorrow. We talk of corruption in the valleys, in the plains, on the plateaux, on the mountain tops and even in the crevices of our leaking skulls. That’s no news. The only breaking news is that yesterday’s 10 per centers are no longer in power, having been replaced by 90 per centers because inflation has made a mess of their illicit gains. Corruption is what the Okirika people call the snuff of mercantile trade while the ngbati-ngbati people call it the “agunmu” (tonic) of business. In a few words, corruption is the key to wealth in “stone-age, modern” Niagara. No need for hard, honest work. The poor continue to sweat it out in the burning tropical sun waiting for a roasted harvest from heaven. But their harvest is not forthcoming! Yet they have to pay their tax. They borrow to pay lest the tax men frog-march them to Kirikiri ... shouting lefu rete, rete lefu (left right, right left). And the powers that ought not to be but are, do not give a damn if the masses continue to writhe in pain until they succumb to abdominal paralysis. Sadly, nobody cares. Well, to care is to create breaking news. Every year we also regale listeners with persistent stories of political crisis in almost every local government area, state, geo-political zone and the general capital territory which is gradually graduating into a centre of excellence in “cosmopolitan corruption” or what the frustrated “shattered” accountants call “a melting pot of creative accounting”. Religious crisis is a must every year with its attendant rivers of blood and the usual government’s promise that it would never happen again. But we all know that before the gun smoke clears, another uprising must have erupted over an “infidel” wearing a pair of jeans and shaking her bum-bum two kilometres close to a mosque. Our country’s tale may not be that of an idiot but it sure signifies lack of collective wisdom. Every year government promises 6,000 megawatts, MW, of electricity but what we get in return is 600,000 MW of darkness, scandal, shock and pain. The Power Holding Company of Niagara, PHCN, remains perpetually on standby while generator sellers open new bank accounts every year where they tie down our hopes of ever getting adequate power supply in fixed deposits. With the sadistic support of the powers that ought not to be, they roll over our troubles year in, year out to yield more interests of pain for the masses. The only breaking news is when there is a flicker of hope for one or two hours in a neighbourhood and innocent children run wild with joy shouting, “Off NEPA! Off NEPA!” And true, true, before anybody could say, “Let there be light,” the brief sunshine has been turned into darkness. Bad roads are a recurring decimal in our mathematics of ineptitude. How about water? Every year, ordinary Niagarans get their supply of drinking water through street hawkers who sell “iced water tutu” to a hapless, dehydrated nation. The more privileged ones spend a fortune digging holes in their yards to look for trapped water underneath the earth’s surface.

At this juncture, we have to pause for a public service announcement. After it, Kashmir will continue by reading an extract from one of his random musings, which is relevant to the issue being analysed. …

Thank you, Amaka. I remember writing that piece in a moment of abject frustration. I believe our country was running out of ideas and it appeared we were all doomed because what we are witnessing every day, every week, every month and every year is a vicious cycle of hopelessness. Instead of things getting better for mother-witch, she is busy producing more female children, thereby piling witches upon witches. Apology to our female listeners for the gender-insensitive proverb. Yes, as I was saying, the editorial news analysis I did bears some relevance to this current issue and I quote. “As someone who discusses (the nation’s) problems at different fora, I’m beginning to have constant headaches now. Year in, year out, the same problems keep recurring. Most comments and editorials in the media this year are a repetition of the issues discussed in previous years: Niger Delta crisis, cement and fertiliser scams, water and electricity problems, poor and dilapidated roads, railway and aviation contract fraud, election manipulations, pipeline and tanker fires, et cetera, et cetera. They only have different pegs and headlines.” I wrote that analysis last year (see Pack a Punch, July 27, 2008). If you go through the same analysis and compare the content with what you have this year, there is little or no difference. Next year, it’s going to be the same. It will be the same problems of political gangsterism, “myturnocracy”, “kleptocracy”, “militancy”, “kidnapocracy”, “adultnapology”, “subsidiology”, and so on and so fifth. What then do we do? Some have suggested a peaceful revolution, the kind of revolution that will change the mindset of the people from docility to positivity. But this is no breaking news either. We have heard this before. Magazinefuls of grammatical bullets.Aluta continua! Aluta continua! Everybody has been saying it but nobody wants to use his head to break coconut for others to eat. The country has remained a country of ‘anything goes.’ We have become local dogs that eat any rubbish thrown at them! Even the national anthem has been condensed into a popular chorus: “You eat your own/ I eat my own/ 50-50 no cheating. Potential heroes have been amputated and consigned to the wheelchair of national disorientation. For instance, Balarabe dared the lion in old Kaduna State during the Second Republic with his people-oriented programmes and he was eaten up by a ferocious, blood-sucking mafia. The same hydra-headed mafia forced another revolutionary governor in the same state to throw in the towel, despite his awe-inspiring military accoutrements. Kongi, the literary wizard, tried with his plays, poems and pantomimes but ended up lamenting that his is a wasted generation. True, the country continues to waste away its potential because the ultra-right wing rebels have continuously captured the national beef. The powers that ought not to be have turned Niagara into a giant anthill of the savannah where “monkey ants de work and baboon queens de chop.” Yet the masses continue to grumble and do the same thing the same way and expect a miracle! The gods must be crazy!

“INSTANT NOODLE” SLEEP? TRY LITTLE BABA

Picture credit: www.pctorque.com

Since Opilogue debuted never has there been this kind of letter received. As the Americans are wont to say, it is unbelievable! It's awesome!! But who can help decipher it? Here is the letter slightly edited to suit Opilogue house style. "Mr. Opilogue, good day. These are just some basic tips for your survival. If you want to be angry just watch Ekiti Elections Tribunal. If you want to feel drowsy listen to the new Baba. If you want to feel bored watch David's Knesset in session. If you want to waste a whole day attend Banky's House of Probes. If you want comedy tune to Drug Lady's rebranded Federal Mumbo-Jumbo, FM, radio. If you are allergic to lies avoid Anthony General and his Queen Latifah at any biribiri crusade (whatever that means). If you have kids eager to learn Hausa and Fulfude avoid the Turainic school owned by the new Mamangida. And if you are disgruntled join the Ruffy Dubby party in exile and start throwing missiles at Aso Rock". By Jove, I don't know what the hell the fellow is talking about. Does anybody know? Eh! Before you start guessing and taking undue advantage of the big 'IFs' let me quickly respond to some other letters. Open the mail box, please.

I refer to Shh! Megida Is Resting, TELL, July 27, 2009. The manner you undress our wickedness, sorry, I mean our nakedness, calls for caution. As for me, it is better to live in a fools' paradise than die there. Yes. The driver may be slow, we shall eventually get there. Nike Adesanya, Osogbo.

You are quite right. It's better to die as a king in hell than live as a servant in heaven! We are all local champions!! But come o, which kind talk be this, that you don't like the way and manner Opilogue has undressed your nakedness? When? Where? How? Abi which kind wahala be this? I siddon jeje and you begin dey call me "Vanessa, the Undresser". Chei! Thank God this is not a Sharia-compliant nation or else you would have ended up in a Sharia court like the Sudanese lady who wore jeans the other time and unwittingly disrobed the religious chauvinists. Yours would have been worse! Thank God for His mercies. Joke apart, tell that driver if you know him very well that he should press harder on the accelerator or snails, ants and tortoises would overtake the nation's vehicle on its journey to outer space.

Your work on banana, apart from its being informative, portrays you as a trado-herbalist. Erinosho Mike, Ijebu Ode.

You are right. But how about the day I write about how armed robbers operate? That will portray me as an armed robber, abi? The more you look...

Re: Drop Dead Today, Write Your Will Tomorrow, TELL, July 20, 2009. Who told you I should drop dead before I write my will? Anyway, I have written my will like Michael Jackson did but it's not within my reach. It is inside the big ogas' bank accounts in Switzerland. Akpa Jude Osita, Enugu.

That's a wise decision. Only wise men bank with Swiss banks because Switzerland is a safe haven for the good, the bad and the ugly from developng and starving nations.

For Michael Jackson to have written his Will at 42 means he had assets and liabilities to share. But a struggling African man has nothing to share except his wife and children. By the way have you written your own will? As for me, I’m not ready to die now. S. A. Adejuwon, Esa Oke, Osun State.

Death is no respecter of anybody. If you have four wives write a will today on how they should be shared just in case! A will in hand is worth more than two in the grave.

Good day. I am an ardent reader of Opilogue. Please, I just want to point this out that Michael Jackson actually died a Muslim and not as a Jehova's witness as you wrote in "Drop Dead Today...." Dotun (no address).

Thanks. I did not know that he had converted to Islam before his death. Records show that he actually performed the shahada (declaration of faith) on November 21, 2008 in the home of Steve Porcaro, a keyboard player and one of the composers of his record breaking Thriller album. I went further to visit an Islamic babalawo (aafa?) who divined for me and revealed that the King of Pop became either Mikailu or Mukaila or a name that sounds like that (Mikaeel). The babalawo also looked at his opele (native crystal ball) and saw that an elder brother of Michael's had earlier become converted and gone to Mecca! He was very emphatic about his discovery despite my dooubts but he was dead right. He was actually referring to Muhammad Abdul Aziz aka Jermaine Jackson. But na wah for these African Americans! For example, Malcolm Little, aka Malcolm X, during the Civil Rights Movement days converted to Islam and went to Mecca only to have a stopover in Niagara enroute Ghana (in the early 1960s) and got nicknamed "Alhaji Omowale". Cassius Clay got converted and became the legendary Muhammad Ali. Wacko Jacko also made sure he joined the pantheon of great African-American converts (of the Nation of Islam pedigree) and became Alhaji Mukaila(?) Jackson before his death. He sure must be in aljanah by now. Aleyi wa Salaam (God grant him eternal rest).

Mr. Opilogue, you take my breath away. Your words (Re; Drop Dead...) are immortal like the lyrics of Wacko Jacko's songs. Segun Akinade, Agege, Lagos.

My advice. Always wear an oxygen mask whenever you are reading Opilogue just to make assurance doubly sure. Now inhale! One more time! All’s well that ends well. Happy reading.

I visited your blog (www.omopilogue.blogspot.com) and wanted to leave a comment but couldn't do so. Please, what option do I use from the select profile options to send my comments? Halima Ahmed, Kaduna.

You need to register a Google Account to unlock the door for you or choose the 'anonymous' option and then leave your name at the end of the post.

But, please, consider those of us who are not "dot com" compliant before you relocate Opilogue completely to the internet. Dr. Charles, Minna, Niger State.

Lakita, please note that the world is like a masquer dancing. If you want to enjoy the spectacle you do not stay on the same spot in Minna. You must move with the time. Very soon newspapers and magazines will only be available online. So,like the Boy Scouts, BE PREPARED for the great change. Kaji ko, Lakita Charlie?

Mr Opilogue, how will you describe that NAFDAC angel-turned Musa's megaphone? Ajayi Olusola, Ondo.

Hmmm...This is agidigbo drum that you are beating here but I guess I understand the rhythm and blues. And I will answer you accordingly. Well, the woman you are probably referring to remains an angel, if not to you at least to her husband. Then remember the immortal words of Professor MAMSER: If you are a teacher, teach well; if you are a manager, manage well; if you are a director, direct well; if you are also a brand manager, brand manage well...The "angel" has acquitted herself very well as a faithful card-carrying member of the party in power. Needless to remind you that he who pays the piper dictates the tune. No be so? Let's just thank God for her. She is no longer where barons can remove her headgear with bows and arrows, not to mention AK – 47s

I have read "Diplomatic Yabis" (TELL, November 20, 2008) and I find it real knowledge of the (Niagaran) situation and problems. I wonder if you could help in e-mailing some of your write-ups to my box, fibianguskatda@yahoo.com.

I don't encourage the substitution of GSM number or e-mail address for the name of a reader. It is too surreal and it creates a lot of distortions. Now, see me, see trouble. I can't figure out your name. Are you Fabian Duru Jnr or Fabian, the Okada man, as that yahoo address seems to suggest?

Mama Fela of Burma!

pix credit: aungsan.com

“She is like an infernal spirit sent by God to confound and torment the

tormentors of Burma and all dictators of the world, be they in khaki or agbada”

My friend, women are powerful o!

Are you just knowing that? From time immemorial, women have been known to have bottom power. And they have always used it to get what they want.

Shh... I’m not talking of Eve’s bottom power, that honeypot of sweet nothing. I’m talking of strong women who have influenced events in their immediate environment and the world at large with their vision and commitment to selfless service. Women like Corazon Aquino, the late president of the Philippines, who led “People Power” that resulted in the overthrow of the Ferdinand Marcos regime; Rosa Parks, the African American icon of the civil rights movement who refused to vacate her bus seat for a white passenger and subsequently changed the complexion of the struggle for racial equality; our own Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti, Mama Fela, who led an all-women opposition against the then Alake of Abeokuta that resulted in the hapless king’s abdication of the throne; the women of Aba who, in 1929, led the riots against excessive tax by the colonial masters, and many others in contemporary history.

By the way, sorry to interrupt you, whose picture are you holding? Is it that of your oyinbo sweet sixteen?

For where? This woman you are looking at is a sixty-something, fire-spitting product of God’s creatively activist imagination.

Sure? You mean this janjala woman? This lepa shandy?

Shhh! You are playing with fire. She is what the ngbati ngbati people call obinrin meta (three-in-one woman). Some may even call her iwin, a sort of enfant terrible, to the powers that “ought not to be” in her native country.

Where is that?

Burma, of course. Or is it Myanmar or whatever? Just one of those “yanmar yanmar” countries still under military dictatorship.

You mean this is the woman that has been causing the Burmese generals sleepless nights? What’s her name again?

Aung San Suu Kyi. That’s the iwin, the obinrin meta, the ogbonge amazon, the enfant terrible, the scourge of military dictatorships and arrowhead of the pro-democracy movement in Burma.

It appears you know a lot about this woman whose name I cannot even pronounce. Is it because she is a paragon of beauty? Or is it because she is doing what many a he-man cannot do, especially in Africa? But before you tell her story, please show me why this woman is obinrin meta and why you call her iwin.

Simple. As you will soon discover, she is like an infernal spirit sent by God to confound and torment the tormentors of Burma and all dictators of the world, be they in khaki (uniform) or agbada. As for her being called obinrin meta, that’s also easily explainable. Metaphorically speaking, she is a combination of brain, beauty and brawn. She is pretty, powerful and fearless, fearless like Gani. If you are in doubt, ask the generals who continue to sleep with one eye open because of the fire they have placed on their roof. She is an untouchable rose among thorns. And literally speaking, she is three persons rolled into one as her name, Aung San Suu Kyi, suggests. Aung San is derived from her father, General Aung San, who is considered to be the father of modern-day Burma, having negotiated the country’s independence from the British in 1947. Kyi comes from her mother, Khin Kyi, who was appointed the Burmese ambassador to India and Nepal in 1960. And Suu is from her grandmother. She is the third child of her family. Her father was assassinated the same year he helped negotiate independence for his country. She grew up with her mother and two brothers, Aung San Lin and Aung San Oo. The former got drowned in a swimming pool accident in 1953 when she was eight years old. The other brother emigrated to the United States of America and later acquired American citizenship. While on tour of diplomatic duty with her mother, she made sure she continued her education, earning a degree in Politics in India and later going to Oxford to have another in Philosophy, Politics and Economics in 1969. She was at the United Nations for three years, working primarily on budget matters. In 1972, she got married to Dr Michael Aris, a Tibetian scholar. They had two sons, Alex and Kim Aris, in 1973 and 1977 respectively. In 1985, she got her PhD in Oriental Studies from the University of London.

She must be a very richly endowed bourgeois.

Not exactly. Her foray into politics has turned everything virtually upside down for her but the stoic character that she is, there is no giving up. In 1988, she returned from London to Burma to take care of her ailing mother and test her bearing in the political waters of Burma. She helped in the formation of the National League for Democracy and became its secretary-general. The party won the 1990 general elections called by the military junta and by virtue of her position, she was to become the prime minister. Her party supporters were agog with expectations but, suddenly, a Babangida, a sort of “devil ex machina” (permit the jollof expression), surfaced from nowhere to annul the election and the military refused to hand over power to her. To date, she has been placed under house arrest 14 times. As it is typical of malevolent dictatorships, the Burmese military regime has turned deaf ears to all humanitarian appeals to temper ‘justice’ with mercy. For instance, she dared not go abroad to meet her ailing husband who eventually died of cancer in 1999 because she would not have been allowed back into the country. Instead, she opted to stay and tend to the pro-democracy struggle. She also remains separated from her children who live in London and her only remaining brother. The struggle is her life. She has once again proved like Mama Fela, the ideological matriarch of the Ransome-Kuti family, that it does not matter who wrestles the monster to the ground — man or woman — for as long as the predator is conquered. Gani must have been very proud of her. He was wont to say if the male rat cannot move fast enough it should make way for the pregnant tortoise. Who is our own Aung San Suu Kyi?

Aung San Suu Kini (what)?

BLUES FOR A PRODIGAL COUNTRY ON ITS 49th INDEPENDENCE ANNIVERSARY

Did you receive this message on October 1?

"We share the same independence day with China but do we share the same vision? Let's hope and pray that our collective HOPE for a better Nigeria is not kidnapped and held hostage for ever. Happy Independence anniversary".

It was supposed to be an innocuous birthday wish to fellow countrymen and women on Nigeria's Independence Day, October 1, but the reaction was a tsunami of mixed emotions:

We do not share the same vision with China because if we do our dream and race to greatness will not be as slow as the pace of a pregnant snail. Amazing Owen, Okokomaiko, Lagos.

Do you think we are really independent? We are only independent in political crisis, corruption and selfishness. We are ironically called the giant of Africa instead of the dwarf of the world. Babalola, Igboho.

China is the most populous country in the world while we are the most populous in Africa. That is where the similarites end because their leaders are visionary while ours are visionless. Festus Ogunniyi, Igboora.

We cannot wait to see the day we shall attain such level of vision like the Chinese's. We cannot be celebrating other people's greatness every year. Dagogo Anims Jumbo.

You make me remember the ageless saying in the golden book, "Where there is no vision the people perish". That is what is happening to Naija. The vision of our leaders is to make naira and nothing more. Celestine Eket, Akwa Ibom State.

Happy independence annivesary. I pray that God gives our leaders the political will to act and move the nation from the status of a sleeping ant to that of the true giant of Africa. Mercy, Uniben.

While Megida is enjoying a deep slumber in Aso Rock, please let's continue to mobilise the progressive forces to wake him up to his responsibility and rescue this nation from its apparent failed status. Ayo Ademuyiwa, Ode Omu, Osun State.

The good Lord will turn things around in this 49-year-old independent country such that our votes will count during elections so that we can have people who want to serve the nation and not those who want to serve themselves when in power. Biodun Owolabi, Ikole-Ekiti.

While wishing us (happy anniversary and a better tomorrow), think of Andoaaka as our minister of justice; Ibori as a godfather of the commander-in-chief; Anenih as chief sponsor of Soludo and Ribadu and el-Rufai as wanted men... Let me ask, if you were Allah, would you answer Nigerians' prayers? Sule Ahmed, Wudil, Kano State.

I think Nigeria will do better without the likes of Andoaaka and Yar'dua. But with the implementation of the Uwais electoral reforms Nigeria shall be free one day. Happy celebrations. Ajayi Olusola, Ondo.

Our country has been on fire since independence and there is water, water, water eveywhere... but none to use to quench it. Na wah for this country o! Diana Omars, Warri.

I totally agree with you (Re the Opilogue: "Wanted, National Day for Fools and Yahoos") and suggest we declare October 1 as our annual April Fools Day. Moyo Onamusi, Wuse, Abuja.

May God bless Nigeria. Evangelist Saji Ishiaka, Gombe.

I think we have gone past the day of grace. Nigeria needs deliverance from the grip of evil men and women holding us hostage. Until they are swept off we can't make any meaningful progress. Immasuni Innocent, Abuja.

Let's have faith in this country of ours. If penicillin could be made from mould, surely there's still hope for Naija. Ebiason David.

I received your message. Praying and keeping hope alive, I think, is giving them a blank cheque to continue plundering our goodwill. We should fight them with whatever means as long as it is within the confines of the law until they do the right thing. Kunle Bamidele.

Yes, a cabal hijacked and held our collective hope hostage. But for the crudity of their method we should all join the Niger Delta militants to wrest our destiny from the hands of this indolent, myopic cabal. M. Ayantoye, Ogbomoso.

I have been thinking on how our nation can be salvaged but what can my thoughts do? Only God can. Naija can be great again. Mrs. BAT, Suleija.

We are celebrating not because we are happy but because we have no other country to call ours. Omotayo Taofiq, Ilorin.

Yes, we are independent of the whites but enslaved by the blacks. Good people, great nation indeed! A fool at 49 is definitely a fool for the millenium. Samuel Idowu, Awka.

Don't, for a moment, think that God will not keep His promise for this great nation. He will. He will. He will. However, we shall need to get rid of those vultures first, either by persuasion or by force. Rasheed Alli, Igboho.

Thanks for this information. I don't know that we share the same independence day with China. But come o, Mr. Opilogue, our own greatest problem now is that we have not seen TELL of last week in Afikpo not to talk of the one for this week. Ogbonna Nwachi, Afikpo.

The nation is in such a gory state. What a pity! Ayotunde Okunowo, Ijebu-Mushin.

We pray Nigeria go beta. Halima Ahmed, Kaduna.

The prayer is inevitable that God should dispatch his angels to fish out and arrest these kidnappers of our collective hope wherever they are, irrespective of their positions. I see us getting there. We must not give up. Surely there is hope. Pastor D Shingyu, Kaduna.

Let's sing, "Which Way Nigeria?" by Sunny Okosuns to wish fellow Nigerians happy independence anniversary. Fr. U S Mbonu, Orlu.

Don't say I told you but what Nigeria needs now is the iron hands of a Chairman Mao. I detest dictatorship but if we must rate ourselves with China we must be ready to endure what the Chinese people went through to be where they are today. Amobi, Abakaliki.

We have tried a lot of policies and systems but here we are as a nation still in need of prayers. Kris Omotosho, Abeokuta.

God help Nigeria o! Jeni Ijeme Ejere, Afuze, Edo State.

It is my prayer that we shall be liberated from the cabals who have held our collective destiny for so long. Pastor Caleb Olufunmi.

At 49 a crippled giant still sulks on the effect of a contraption bequeathed to it by a vindictive former president who was out on a revenge mission after losing his bid to perpetuate himself in power. Nse Bassey, Oron.

I believe the fervent prayers of believers will preserve the collective hope and aspiration of Nigerians and launch us into greatness. Jonathan Ekperusi, Warri.

I thought you'd send me Ghana-must-go (bags) full of amala (and orisirisi) as my own dividends of independence. As for this Naija thing, I don't know... Paul Ndor, Cross River.

Thanks for your independence anniversary message. Please make sure you wear green and white dress today, sing the national anthem and recite the pledge. Eat only green vegetable and white meat in green plates and speak WAZOBIA language only. Idowu Batteries.

The situation of this country saddens me. People no longer believe in the country. Ask a day-old child, he is ready to "chill out" given the chance. Where do we go from here? Nike Adesanya, Osogbo.

As we celebrate our independence today, may Nigeria become a better place through selfless activities to those in our immediate environment. Happy anniversary. Jumoke, Lagos.

May almighty God deliver us from the demonic forces that continue to blur our vision. Kajogbola Mufutau, Iragbiji, Osun State.

Yes, we share the same independence day but never the same vision. It's up to our leaders. Emmy Sunny, Kabba, Kogo State.

Hmm hmm hmm! E get as e be! Shimen.

We can only hope and pray for divine intervention. Demola Fagbemi, Osogbo.

When a lizard falls from a tree it wonders why people don't praise it! But it praises itself for surviving the fall. We deserve to praise ourselves and thank God for surviving 49 years of failed leadership and continuous state of hopelessness. Frank Eguefo, Ughelli, Delta State.

We do hope that Nigeria and its leaders would get their bearings right by doing what is right at all time so that the 50th anniversary would be a memorable event. Ezekiel Ade, Akute, Ogun State.

.

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. STILL HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ALL. WE HAVE NO OTHER COUNTRY TO CALL OUR OWN. LET'S JOIN HANDS TOGETHER TO SALVAGE NIGERIA. DOES THAT RING A BELL? GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI ONCE SAID SO WHEN HE CAME TO POWER THROUGH THE BARREL OF THE GUN IN 1983. 26 YEARS AFTER WE ARE STILL STRUGGLING TO RESCUE NAIJA, THE PRODIGAL GIANT SON OF AFRICA.

ARISE O COMPATRIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Opilogue Has Gone Bananas!

Pix credit: somethinbeautiful.blogspot.com

"Language is dynamic. I agree there is no excuse for bad grammar, but for those who choose the informal medium for text messages, it is a matter of style"

Reactions to Mama Has Got a Brand New Drug, TELL, July 13, 2009, have been unusually overwhelming. The reason is not far-fetched. Banana is sweet. Everybody wants to have a bite!

Gee! Thanks, I have always been allergic to banana but given my constant constipation and your advice, I'll give a banana a day a trial. Amobi, Abakaliki.

Sure? Why not contact your doctor first before carrying out the "instruction" of an armchair "doctor".

Hello, professor of banana studies, "UniPlogue". Will you want to prescribe it for our leaders? They are sleeping and dreaming on duty. Agbor Arikpo, Ore, Ondo State.

Nowhere was it suggested that banana is a stimulant. So let them continue enjoying their deep slumber until another Obama comes to neighbouring Togo or Burkina Faso to wake them up with some home truths.

This your prescription is "gbogbohunse" (cure all). Tell me, where is your medical school located? Omoniyi Ikuomola, Ibadan.

At Orita Mejo ("Eight Roundabouts"), Ibadan, with a school of dentistry located under the bridge at Ojuelegba in Lagos. And like you rightly (?) said in the excised portion of your text, "banana may soon cure toothache." How about that? A trial will help in restructuring your dental cavity. Just try it.

Ha! Since when did you become a consultant to the Olu Akinkugbe Foundations of this world? S Oyiborhoro, Sapele, Delta State.

Look at you! Do I need to be an Akinkugbe to know that banana is a good foundation on which to build a reservoir of energy for the hard working Niagaran? Siddon look like most African leaders while the rest of the world has bolted away from the dungeon of under development!

Nice piece but I was just wondering: Were you a doctor before? Or do you own a banana plantation? Are those pieces of information medically certified? Emma Uwadiegwu, Abuja.

Why are you worrying yourself? Will a banana a day kill you? If you are in doubt, just heed the woman's advice to her son. Hold a hurried dialogue with your legs and run to the nutritionist or medical doctor nearest to your home. Chikena!

I don't understand the last paragraph where you talk about one who is predisposed to having diabetes. Are you saying banana should not be taken by diabetics? Joshua Buba, Port Harcourt.

Don't read the last paragraph in isolation. Try to relate it to what the mother had earlier told the son on what she normally does to avoid morning sickness, and I quote, I know what to do. Just snacking on banana between meals helps to KEEP BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS UP (capitals mine) and avoid morning sickness. Unquote. The son, towards the end, expressed his desire to be having banana for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. And the mother was wise enough to caution him not to eat banana in excess. Relate it to the woman's raison d'etre for eating banana when she is pregnant. Does that make any sense? If your doubt persists after two days, contact your family doctor.

Too good to be true, like the son exclaimed. If I know of any factory producing banana, I'd have said you're doing a paid job for them... Adeniyi Adeoye, Akure.

Only bad news is good news? Thanks for being a true Niagaran (cynic?).

Hmm... Much ado about banana. Tina Amadi, Isolo, Lagos.

Much ado about banana? Sir Victor Uwaifor must not hear that. For him, after "Joromi", it is "Sweet Banana". And it is really sweet!

So, you like banana? No wonder you always go bananas with words. Amadi Yacub, Shadawanka Barracks, Bauchi.

Since you are writing from within Shadawanka Barracks, Bauchi, I don't know what to say. As you see me so, I fear people wey fit go bananas with guns, wallahi talahi!

I just finished reading your banana page of TELL, July 13, page 54...(no name, no address).

My banana page? Kai! No comment.

You have just highlighted everything that is wrong with our education (re: Hammer House of Error! TELL, July 6, 2009) for 80 per cent of the nation's graduates are glorious school leavers. Ajuwon Oludeji Johnson, Ibadan, Oyo State.

Softly, softly, abi you wan start another "identity crisis" crisis? Lagbaja himself don sing am for record. He talk am say, "even oyinbo too dey shoot (grammatical) bullets" gbosa gbosa like that. So wetin remain?

Agreed that all of us, from the highly placed to the lowly placed, are speaking and writing terrible and dangerous English, must you expose us? Uncle Patrick and Pastor (Jehovah) must hear this. Kris Omotosho, Abeokuta.

Then I'm finished! I have no bullet proof vests to withstand their fusillade of biblical, nay, grammatical inexactitudes!

Let me ask. Where is the culture of letter-writing in this? SMS is now becoming the order of the day. Blessing A, Port Harcourt.

Thanks for reminding us of the art of letter writing. Those were the good old days when lovers used to live in the Garden of Love. Those were the days when letters were masterfully crafted (and "lovely dated") to win the hearts of damsels and Princes Charming in their shining armours. Those were the days when men would read Shakespeare's plays like Romeo and Juliet before writing their loved ones and the ladies would have to read romance novels to learn new expressions and pick some new words and phrases to adorn their love letters. Nowadays, it is SMS text messages which are not even composed by them but by anonymous authors of the Onitsha market literature pedigree. God save the Queen!

I disagree. Language is dynamic. I agree there is no excuse for bad grammar but for those who choose the informal medium for text messages, it is a matter of style. S Oyiborhoro (no address).

Oro di hun! Oro pesi je! Supposition kills proposition! Nothing more to add.

Gani, the Law Was His Own Weapon

GANI THE LAW
Credit: TELL Photo

La 'ilaha-Lahu wahdahu la sharika lahu lahul-mulku wa lahul-hamdu yuhyi wa yumitu wa huwal-hayyul-ladhi la yamutu biyadihil-khayru wa huwa 'ala kulli shay in qadirun. There is no god except Allah; He is only One; He has no associate; to Him belong all sovereignity and praise; He causes life and death; He is ever-living who will never die; He possesses excellence and He is the most powerful over all things. True, Allah is the Alpha and the Omega. He has done His will and who are we, mere mortals, to question His wisdom? He does as He pleases. If He likes He can spare the wicked and strike down the merciful just as He has done to Abdul-Ganiyu Oyesola Fawehinmi, our brother and benefactor. Weep not, comrades. Let me now invite the leader of the Social Science Party to deliver his speech.

Thank you. In this casket lies one of the greatest men of our time, Abdul-Ganiyu Oyesola Fawehinmi, author, publisher, philanthropist, human rights campaigner, activist lawyer, maverick politician, visionary leader, scourge of villainy, veritable conscience of the nation, champion of the interests and causes of the masses and the sphygmomanometer with which the blood pressure of dictators is gauged. We salute his undying courage and love for the country. On behalf of the members of our great party I join others in saying farewell to our dear leader.

Can I now call on Mallam Zakaria Biu, leader of the Maryland Mendicants Movement, to present his short address.

Assalamu Alaikum, Jama’a. As you see me so, me I sabi this man. Na good man sham! He kind well well. As you see me so, me I dey represent all beggars wey dey for this our country, no be Maryland alone. I am for the poor, the hungry, the thirsty, the homeless and the hopeless. Gani na our aboki. Na mutumin kirki; he no be mutumin banza like those wey dey government. But me I no sabi the thing wey that person wey speak before me dey talk. He call our friend, Gani, “flenty flenty” names wey me I no Sabi. He say Gani na blood pressure. He talk am say our aboki na sifigicinimameta or wetin he call am? Kai! Menene? Which kind suna be that? Wallahi, me I no sabi that one before before. Ka ji ko? Me I sure say na this kind dogon turanci (big grammar) wey kill am, no be cancer at all, at all. We dey too knack grammar for this our country. Hospital, 'e no dey. NEPA, 'e no dey. Road, 'e no dey. School, 'e no dey. Food, 'e no dey. Water, 'e no dey. Na soso big, big grammar for radio, for television, and for paper yet no peace, but na wahala everyday. In fact the time wey our aboki dey alive we dey tell am say all this your turanci no fit work. He no go listen. Me sef I tell am say if na for bow and arrow we get am boku for north. Dagger, akoi fala fala. Talisman, he dey “flenty” for we pocket. I talk am say we fit do Boko Haram for we oppressors. Even I tell am say for your people sef, dem get original juju like the people of Okija but he go tell me say law na him own juju wey he dey use to fight. One day, I ask am, you be Timi the Law or wetin dey do you sef? He just vex “flenty flenty”, he come talk say him own law no be for chop and quench but for...but for...wetin again be that word he use o? Kai! Me I don forget...Yes, I get am! I get am! He say him own law na for (social) engineering. I look am for face sotey I come ask am, you be engineer too? Aboki surprise me well well when he talk am say true true he be engineer. Me I think say he dey craze. Abi na me de craze? He say he be like mechanic wey wan repair vehicle (this country) wey wan yamutu. That kind proverb me I no sabi am at all, at all. But the thing wey I sabi be say Gani na great man.

Thank you, mallam. I shall now call on Gani's old schoolmate to say a few words.

Let me begin by saying, I have not come to bury Gani but to exhume the past when Gani was a kid. We were two of a kind. I was stubborn. Gani was rascally. The two of us constituted a double thorn in the flesh of our teachers but Gani was a particularly troublesome pupil. Here he was, a microscopic tiny Gulliver among giant seniors yet he was atakorowonuado. He was the proverbial mosquito that perched on the wrong side of one's anatomy. He would stand like a junior David before any of the senior Goliaths and take them up on what he called acts of injustice and wickedness. He loathed their dictatorial, arrogant tendencies. I'm not surprised that he chose to champion the cause of the oppressed throughout his enduring life. He was a fighter, very bold and daring. I remember Gani used to kill snakes with his bare hands. This may sound like a fairy tale but it happened on so many occasions. He once did kill a snake like that and brought the fresh carcass into the classroom. Both teacher and pupils fled through openings other than the exit door where Gani stood triumphantly, giggling with his long, swirling "trophy". He was the type of student who would be asked to kneel down, close his eyes and raise up his two hands to the high heavens while others were being taught arithmetic, geometry or algebra and he still excelled in any test arising from the lesson he was deprived of. And what was his offence? He opposed the dictatorship of the "student bourgeoise". But Gani did not care. He was ever ready to risk his own freedom for the benefit of fellow compatriots. And, perhaps, I should say this. The seniors really feared him for being too quarrelsome and hyper argumentative. The principal, however, saw something in him: "This boy would make a good lawyer." Ladies and gentlemen, here lies GANI, the principal's, the principal and the principled lawyer of our time.

At this juncture, may I call on the Lisa of Eginland, who is the representative of the Osemabook, to deliver a short address.

I want to remark that we are really pleased with the tributes already paid to the memory of our son, brother, uncle, father, granny and chief ombudsman of the masses, Abdul-Ganiyu Oyesola Fawehinmi. We are indeed pleased to listen to his exploits while on this terrestrial pedestal. To some of us in Eginland, Gani had only behaved to type. As we say in Yorubaland, the offspring of Ajanaku will always take after the elephant. Gani is a true son of his father who was a wealthy timber merchant, a lover of education and a great opponent of excessive taxation of the poor. He was a devout Muslim as well as a prolific polygamist. He had 15 wives and 40 children. His own father, Chief Lisa Alujonnu Fawehinmi, was a valiant warrior who fought many battles for and on behalf of the Egin people. Gani, his son, did no less. Fighting for others runs through the veins of the Fawehinmis. Don't be surprised if Mohammed, his son, rises up from the wheelchair tomorrow, on the direct command of Almighty Allah, to carry on the struggle where his father stopped. Nothing is impossible with Olodumare (God). Mohammed will not be the first alujonnu (enfant terrible). His father was. His grandfather was. His great grandfather was. Allahu Akbar! Olorun tobi loba! God is great!

Much Ado About Sex

huffingtonpost.com

What the hell is going on in Berlin? Do we need blood and urine tests to determine the sex of an athlete? Why not just roll up ‘her’ skirt and find out?

Seeing is believing! Isn’t it?