Monday, January 31, 2011

Siddon Look. Africa Is Watching

It's happening again.

What's that?

The wind of change that is blowing across Africa.

Wind of change? You must be joking.

You are the one joking. You mean you are not aware of the happenings in North Africa?

Tell me story. I’m full of ears.

Sure, why not? The wind of revolution is blowing away sit-tight rulers as it did the remaining colonialists in Africa in the 1980s. Tunisia has fallen. Egypt is falling. Algeria is waiting. The wind is even blowing across the Arabian Peninsula. Yemenis are protesting. Jordanians are complaining too. The Arab world is turned upside down. Things are falling apart.

Wonderful! You mean these are happening in the Arab world? How did it happen?

A hungry man is an angry man. In Tunisia the people defied the police. They defied nature. They defied the law of self preservation. They set themselves ablaze. Algerians did the same. Egyptians followed suit like the kami-kaze Japanese pilots. Self immolation they call it.

I just hope the rest of Africans are watching.

Sure. It's "Siddon Look". We are watching. Ivorians are watching. Niagarans are watching. Everybody is watching

Monday, January 24, 2011

Waiting for Mr. Gomina

Politics without violence is like Xmas in London without snow, Wallahi!”

Right, left! Left, right!! Right, left!!! They are on the march again. The lilliputians. They are on the march again. Marching to Government House. Left, right. Right, left. Left, right. Some are clenching their fists, ready to fight. They shout, "Pack a punch!" "Power!" Some are holding corn cobs as if ready to feed the hungry but they themselves look so lean and mean that they require urgent "food transfusion". They shout, "Operation Fool Niagara!", "OFN!" Some are carrying brooms as if ready to sweep something under the carpet. They shout, "Corruption for Where!" "Action!" Right, left, right, left, right, left...abouuut turn! This is Radio Wayo. DJ, play me Zombi.... No, play ITT. That's better. "....Like Abusanjo and Obatiku, international tough tough...ITT, international tough tough..." Stop! Second base joh! On the march again...waiting for His Excellency, Mr. Gomina...4-1-9 is our man o! Alaya Biagba is our warrior! Josman is our saint! Okirika man is our saviour o o o!! This governor, na we own!!!

It's a lie! It's a lie!! It's a lie!!!

Who's this?

Jigijigi Bamubamu...

Wait, what kind of name is that? Do you mean Jigijigi Majimaji?

No, I'm Jigijigi Bamubamu, original. I'm calling to let you know that those your lilliputians are going nowhere. It's a lie! We are going to stop them by all means.

How are you going to do that?

We have guns, matchets, swords and daggers...

Stop! Who really are you?

I'm Tokyo Japan!

Wait a minute. But you've just said you are Jigijigi Bamubamu or something to that effect.

Yes. Tokyo Japan is my trade name. I'm a professional killer. I mug. I hug. I shoot. I rob. I kill for anything. Do you have anybody to fight or kill?

No, no, no, don't say that on air, Mr. Japan.

There's nothing new under the sun. Niagaran politics is not sweet without gidigbo and jagidijagan...

Eh! What's that?

Politics without violence is like Xmas in London without snow, wallahi!

Ha! Tokyo Japan!! How dare you? Do you know somebody called Waziri Ibrahim?

Is he an Ibadan man?

Sorry, Mr. Japan, does that name sound Mesiogo? Is that Oluyole name? How old are you?

I am 43, going to 44.

And you say you don't know the late apostle of politics without bitterness?

What concerns me about that? Will that belleful me? I trust our own paymaster. This Saturday, we shall get double pay. We shall also eat plates and plates of amala with abula and orisirisi... at Oga’s place.

Sorry, Mr Tokyo Japan, we have to cut you short. We have another caller on the line. Thank you for being part of the programme but don't forget to shun violence on election day so that we can all live to vote another day....Eh...? Who's this? Kareem Oji...what? Oh, Ojikutu? What a name early in the morning! Ahaaa...Ojikutu laro kutukutu... It’s obvious you are boiling and bubbling with energy kutukutu! I like that. My brother, how're you doing? What's going on?

Sorry, my name is Kareem Ojikutu, not Ojikutu Laro Kutukutu. Please take note of that. Yes...I was listening to the last speaker and I'm really pissed off...

Eh, eh, your language. You do not say that on air. What exactly do you want to say?

Sorry, I mean it's very disgusting to hear somebody say he has guns and matchets. What for? Is he an alapata (butcher)? Haba! The only weapon against the ugly lilliputians is our vote. Niagarans must put on their thinking caps. The lilliputians are only coming again to loot the treasury.

Beg your pardon! Who says?

Hear them making empty promises. Free air, free water. Free women, free husbands, free injuries, free deaths, free this, free that. One even promised to build bridges for Niagarans in the Sahel Savannah and when they reminded him that there are no rivers in that region, he said they should not worry, he would either set up labs to manufacture beautiful rivers or import them from Europe to flow under the bridges immediately he is voted into power!

Waoh! You don't mean that, do you? Could you please tell the kind lilliputian to move fast by air-freighting the rivers when he comes to power in order to beat the people's expectation....Yes, who is this?

I am Jacob Essien. My friends call me Johnny Hotdog.

Are you from Calabar?

No. I'm from Oron.

What's the difference?

By the way, why are you asking?

I thought you said you are hot dog.

And so what?

I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of your personal safety.

You mean the likes of Tokyo may take offence over what I intend to say? Who cares?!

It appears we are operating on two different wavelengths. Okay, forget it. What have you got to say?

I think our lilliputians are just great on abuses but small on issues. They are too busy abusing the incumbent office holders that they forget to espouse their own motives for seeking power. Somebody told me the other day that the election results had already been compiled but I disagree vehemently over that. Methinks Niagara is too advanced for that. Or what do you think?

I think of Ondo ’83 when the riggers rigged so well that the voters went mad. I think of Rivers ’03 when all the voters incredibly voted for only one candidate in an election. I also think of the day when the he-goat went to the market and failed to return.

You are right, my brother. Every day is for the thief; one day is for the owner.

Ohimai, I hear you.

What’s Ohimai?

That’s the in-thing in Lagos now. Just check it out!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Presidential Debate Live !

"Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though)."

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The Presidential debate has started and I hereby call on Alhaji Abdulhaziz Article to come and tell the delegates why he thinks he is the one to carry our party's ticket. Over to you, Alhaji.

Thank you and, please, allow me to go to my points straight away. As a former Vee-Pee nobody qualifies more than I do, most especially after having served under the mercurial General who thinks he can bamboozle anybody. I fought him to a standstill. I guess my fighting spirit qualifies me more than anybody else. But that notwithstanding, I'm a gentleman who believes in agreements. I believe so much in zoning that I zoned my household by marrying six wives from the six geopolitical zones in the country. I already have Hausa, Kanuri, Igbo, Nupe and Yoruba wives. Very soon I'll add an Ijaw woman to my harem though she has to be properly screened to make sure she is not a tokunbo (fairly used) MEND wife. I'm aware that many people are wondering how I'd get money to finance all the national projects. Let me assure you that I have enough personal money to prosecute these projects. This is part of the change philosophy that I've been preaching. Finally, let me emphasise that there will be no more religious riots the very moment I'm sworn in as the next executive president of the Federal Republic of Niagara, insha Allah.

Thank you, Alhaji. Shall we now call on the Owelle of Otuoke, Jonattan Nnamdi to tell us why we should vote for him.

Pee Dee Pee!


Thank you very much. If my opponent says he was once a Vee-Pee I want to say I have been more than that. I was Vee-Pee, Acting Presido and now Presido. I was also Deputy Chairman, Acting Chairman, Chairman (Niagara), Chairman (ECOWAS) and Chairman (Oloibiri Descendants Union). I'm sure you will be wondering why I still want to be President. The answer is simple. I need to establish a strong foothold in the polity by extending my magic wand to every nook and corner. As for the argument on zoning let me say I don't believe in it at all. That's why I have only one wife. Mine is one man, one wife. One man, one vote. One angry man, one matchet. One nation, one destiny. Why do I need more than one wife when our people believe that one wife is equal to one trouble? Therefore, it follows that six wives will be equal to six troubles! Niagara is enough trouble for any president. My opponent also claims that he has enough personal money to carry out the nation's responsibilities. Good. As for me I have no such money but come to Oloibiri and youll see a bottomless well of crude money. With this kind of money I can assure you that Niagara will, by 2013, be producing 16 megawatts of electricity for our tiny population of 150 million!!!! At this juncture let me assure you that if you vote for me there will be no more kidnapping, no more pipeline vandalisation and no bomb explosions. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I want to say before every man and woman present here today that I don't have a kobo (penny) abroad but plenty of goodwill on FaceBoob (yes, you hear me well), inexhaustible good luck on the corridor of power and abundant patience at the homefront.

We shall now call on Mrs Jubrilla Aminu to round up with her own argument.

Thank you, Mr. Moderator. Everybody knows me as the stubborn she-goat that never gives up. I'm brave, bold and beautiful. I'm resillient, tenacious and, even, pugnacious! The harder the men intimidate me, the harder I kick their underbelly. I don't mind being the perennial presidential candidate. Who cares? I'll always show my face. Men are good for nothing. The only good one among them is a loverboy, nay, gigolo! They must be confronted whether on FaceBoob or BackBoob on whatever! During the day they do gragra, displaying fake muscles, only to fall like a pack of cards at night. They are useless. Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though). Vote for me, vote for gender equality, affirmative action and free, qualitative beauty treatment in all salons in the federation! Yes, give me a place to stand and I'll shake the world!

Hear! Hear!! Hear!!!