"Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though)."
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The Presidential debate has started and I hereby call on Alhaji Abdulhaziz Article to come and tell the delegates why he thinks he is the one to carry our party's ticket. Over to you, Alhaji.
Thank you and, please, allow me to go to my points straight away. As a former Vee-Pee nobody qualifies more than I do, most especially after having served under the mercurial General who thinks he can bamboozle anybody. I fought him to a standstill. I guess my fighting spirit qualifies me more than anybody else. But that notwithstanding, I'm a gentleman who believes in agreements. I believe so much in zoning that I zoned my household by marrying six wives from the six geopolitical zones in the country. I already have Hausa, Kanuri, Igbo, Nupe and Yoruba wives. Very soon I'll add an Ijaw woman to my harem though she has to be properly screened to make sure she is not a tokunbo (fairly used) MEND wife. I'm aware that many people are wondering how I'd get money to finance all the national projects. Let me assure you that I have enough personal money to prosecute these projects. This is part of the change philosophy that I've been preaching. Finally, let me emphasise that there will be no more religious riots the very moment I'm sworn in as the next executive president of the Federal Republic of Niagara, insha Allah.
Thank you, Alhaji. Shall we now call on the Owelle of Otuoke, Jonattan Nnamdi to tell us why we should vote for him.
Pee Dee Pee!
Thank you very much. If my opponent says he was once a Vee-Pee I want to say I have been more than that. I was Vee-Pee, Acting Presido and now Presido. I was also Deputy Chairman, Acting Chairman, Chairman (Niagara), Chairman (ECOWAS) and Chairman (Oloibiri Descendants’ Union). I'm sure you will be wondering why I still want to be President. The answer is simple. I need to establish a strong foothold in the polity by extending my magic wand to every nook and corner. As for the argument on zoning let me say I don't believe in it at all. That's why I have only one wife. Mine is one man, one wife. One man, one vote. One angry man, one matchet. One nation, one destiny. Why do I need more than one wife when our people believe that one wife is equal to one trouble? Therefore, it follows that six wives will be equal to six troubles! Niagara is enough trouble for any president. My opponent also claims that he has enough personal money to carry out the nation's responsibilities. Good. As for me I have no such money but come to Oloibiri and you’ll see a bottomless well of crude money. With this kind of money I can assure you that Niagara will, by 2013, be producing 16 megawatts of electricity for our tiny population of 150 million!!!! At this juncture let me assure you that if you vote for me there will be no more kidnapping, no more pipeline vandalisation and no bomb explosions. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I want to say before every man and woman present here today that I don't have a kobo (penny) abroad but plenty of goodwill on FaceBoob (yes, you hear me well), inexhaustible good luck on the corridor of power and abundant patience at the homefront.
We shall now call on Mrs Jubrilla Aminu to round up with her own argument.
Thank you, Mr. Moderator. Everybody knows me as the stubborn she-goat that never gives up. I'm brave, bold and beautiful. I'm resillient, tenacious and, even, pugnacious! The harder the men intimidate me, the harder I kick their underbelly. I don't mind being the perennial presidential candidate. Who cares? I'll always show my face. Men are good for nothing. The only good one among them is a loverboy, nay, gigolo! They must be confronted whether on FaceBoob or BackBoob on whatever! During the day they do gragra, displaying fake muscles, only to fall like a pack of cards at night. They are useless. Women, arise! Drop the flower! Grab the power!! This is our chance to show that we can do better. Yes, they have always been on top while they rule us. This is our time to pin them down and show them how to do it (yes, you heard me well, no pun intended though). Vote for me, vote for gender equality, affirmative action and free, qualitative beauty treatment in all salons in the federation! Yes, give me a place to stand and I'll shake the world!
Hear! Hear!! Hear!!!