Posers for My Country Men and Women

This is no joking time.

It's an open secret that Nigeria is tending towards being a failed state and the reason is obvious. Nothing seems to be working.

We seem not to have a national blueprint for the development of the country. There is no national phylosophy of governance. No minimum standard of living for the average Nigerian. Every government in power caters for only its members through contract awards. And only a few grab the available contracts. We hear of contracts everyday but we can't see the products because much of the contract money is embezzled either to feather the nests of those in power or to serve as a war chest for future political campaigns. The new rich Nigerians are councilors, LG chairmen, governors, commissioners, board members of government parastatals, ministers and other political appointees. The middle class is almost non-existent while the generality of Nigerians are left panting and gasping for breath. No social welfare package, no unemployment benefits, no genuine medicare, no good roads, no electricity, no potable water, no cheap food to buy. The take-home pay of workers cannot take them even to the nearest bus stop. The political climate is unattractive to foreign investors because of frequent changes of government policies.

From one government to the other Nigeria is left drifting, hence the internal rumblings and bunkerings. Youths who have no means of surviving the welling hunger in them take to crimes. Graduates who are jobless think of survival tactics by joining 419 gangs, drug cartels and kidnapping rings. Policemen who receive peanuts as salaries take to demanding bribes at checkpoints and shooting innocent people out of frustration.

Who is to blame? It will be unfair to blame Yar' Adua solely for the mess in which we are now. Nigeria had been going down the drain before he was dragged to Aso Rock by a selfish cabal which was only intent on ruling without the concomitant responsibility. And before this cabal there had been others. Different kinds of groups, cults and mafias that are visionless and self serving. For putting the nation last in their daily calculations our once great nation and the hope of Africa has been reduced to an ugly elephant with kwashiorkor limbs. We have become the laughing stock all over the world, if not for corruption, then for political instability. We have been living a life of falsehood for too long a time, it's now time for Nigerians to ask their leaders: Where do we go from here -- community or chaos (apology to Rev. Martin Luther King Jnr)? Boko Haram is just a flash of the fire next time unless Nigerians sit down together and discuss how to give this nation a facelift. Any kind of surgery will do for as long as it restores our image and dignity as the true African giant.

Think, Nigeria, think.

* * *

Posers for fellow compatriots. DOES NIGERIA DESERVE THE CALIBER OF LEADERS IT HAS BEEN HAVING SO FAR? IS THE COUNTRY WORTH DYING FOR AS IT CURRENTLY IS? WHAT CAN OUR LEADERS DO TO REALLY MAKE US PROUD OF OUR COUNTRY?

The Big ‘IFs’

"Praise the Lord, Alleluyah"

in the Catholic Church?!

This is a litany of 'IFs' from a reader who seems embroiled in old school hypothetical syllogisms. And see below each ‘IF’ my attempt to give life to the non-rhetorical question. Here we go.

If you could be sculpted by an artist in history, who would you choose?

Simple. Whoever is the sculptor that sculpted Naomi Campbell, the famous model (minus her off-the-handle temper).

If you could say two sentences to the current Pope what would they be?

Your Holiness, warn your priests in Niagara to desist from copying the Pentecostal pastors by shouting 'Praise the Lord, Alleluyah!' in the church. It reduces the dignity, finese and solemnity of Roman Catholicism.

If you could 'assassinate' one famous 'monster' in your country, which would it be?

Corruption! The hydra-headed monster which no IGP (Inspector General of Police) has been able to arrest.

If you could be instantly fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?

Isoko. The language is lyrical ballards in motion. Anytime I hear the native speakers speak this sonorous language I always put on my dancing shoes!

If you had the choice which language would you not want to speak.

Mandarin Chinese. Sounds as if two bulls are fighting in a china shop. No wonder it is the language of kung fu.

If you were kidnapped and allowed to telephone only one person, who would that person be and what would you tell him.

The President. And I would say this: “Please, Mr. President, do not pay any ransom. Just hand over the reins of power to them.”

Lamentations of a Masquerade

By Tatabonko Oro Edem

I am Alapansanpa, a reincarnation of Lagelu the Jagun of Eba Odan, Eba’dan, for short. Our ancestors built this town after the defeat of the Olowu of Owu. It is on record fact that the first city of Eba’dan was destroyed when an egungun (spirit) was disrobed and contemptuously mocked by all and sundry in the open place. Today, I, Alapansanpa, an egungun, have been brought before a magistrate court presided over by a woman! It is trite that in Eba’dan, as in other parts of Yorubaland, it is an abomination for women to look an egungun in the eye but this woman wants to, and has done so.

The Alapansanpa operates on a different cosmos, the orun (the spiritual and invisible domain of the ancestors, Gods and spirits), and not the aye (the visible world of the living). Though interconnected, and the Alapansanpa regularly visits the aye, he could not have been capable of doing those things ascribed to him because he was specifically sent to rid the society of social ills and not create them. How can a visitor from orun be treated so callously? In fact, if Alapansanpa was human this would have ended long ago - ‘iku ya jesin’ (death is preferable to ignominy). I put it on record that the police prosecutor should remember ibaje (negative reversal of fortunes). How can these children of Eba’dan that I have variously blessed, treat my earthly costume with disdain? How can the prosecutor and the magistrate send me to Agodi Prisons when they know there are no ahun trees or laganga in prison to hang my costumes? Where will I find the blood of the cockerel to sprinkle on my costume before nightfall?

I cannot plead my case before a female human magistrate and my detractors know it. Who has ever heard of the fundamental right of an egungun? They claim to have granted me bail. Bail? Whoever told them a ‘spirit’ is in bondage and needs bail? What for? Me Alapansanpa, who occupies a prominent place at the Osemeji Shrine. Me, who holds up a calabash to the Gods. Me, who watches over Eba’dan, blessing and protecting its shons and daughters. Me, Alapansanpa, a dweller of heaven. Why else do they call me ara orun? Me, needing bail? It would have been very hilarious if it would not become so tragic. They further went ahead to allege that I stole a stethoscope, a handset and eight thousand six hundred and fifty naira cash. Of all the things I have been accused of stealing, what is the business of Alapansanpa with a stethoscope? They also claimed that Alapansanpa stole a handset. Please, spare me. I am an exponent of Ifa, I deal in seere and incantations. I prescribe oruka and onde, what in heavens name would I need a stethoscope and telephone for? Who has ever heard of a telephonic connection to the spirit world? This is extreme provocation. And about the money, Alapansanpa survives by consuming large quantities of oro fruit and igbin that are very abundant in the spirit world; money as you know it on earth does not exist. The only earthly thing we sometimes crave is eko or oori, which is always provided by our worshippers. There is no witness who saw me take these items, neither have I ever craved nor needed these items as they are of no use to me, yet I stand accused before the woman magistrate to be humiliated in public! They did not stop there. They accused me of willful damage to property.

How can I be accused of damaging a Mitsubishi Lancer car, a Nissan Sunny car and a Mitsubishi Gallant car? Why not a Peugeot car? Do they think I have something against Japanese products? What is the business of Alapansanpa with cars, anyway? Alapansanpa who descends to earth using a cobweb strand has no interest in cars, except when I ask Sango to save the lives of car accident victims. For my reward I have been arraigned and accused of “assault, stealing and willful damage to property”. To show how far these misguided humans have gone, it is trite that in criminal cases all accused must be physically present in court to submit their pleas before a criminal case can move forward. In my case, I was accused with my accomplices. (?) How can I have accomplices? Were they referring to Oloolu and Atipako? If yes, why were they not also arraigned? Is it because the Oloolu wears the ago garment and carries a human skull, which was brought back from the Ibariba war? Why was Atipako not arraigned? Is it because he carries a stick that was used in beating the ofi?

Be warned. When the conclave of ancestral forces and other spiritual agents of the Eba’dan cosmos are roused, the end nobody will be able to foretell. History repeats itself when awon agba (the elders) do nothing. Agba ki i wa l’oja, ki ori omo tuntun wo (An elder cannot be present in the market while the head of an infant [on the mother’s back] hangs in the wrong way). I demand that Balogun, Otun Balogun, Otun Baale, Osi Balogun, Osi Baale, Ashipa Balogun, Ashipa Baale, Ekerin Balogun and Ekerin Baale call their daughter and the misguided prosecutor to order. There is no mens rea or actus reus that could be proven in a magistracy, that I Alapansanpa did what I was accused of doing. This is a case of mistaken identity and my accusers are mistaking me for an earthling! I am ara orun (heavenly spirit).

Submitted by Tatabonko Orok Edem tatabonko@gmail.com based on the appearance of a masquerade in Ibadan, Oyo State, charged with theft.

OBAMA'S BUDWEISER'S DIPLOMACY

Something is brewing in America.
What's that?
Beer.
Beer?! You must be joking.
I mean it. President Obama has ordered a beer get-together with Cow and Gates.
Cow and Gates? I guess you mean Officer Cowley and Professor Gates.
You get it! Obama wants to settle the racial palaver over a Budweiser six-pack.
I like that. Can he invite me?
No, you haven't arrested somebody unjustly of late neither have you accused somebody unjustly.
So I need to do that?
Sure, another police officer has just abused the black race claiming if he were the officer unjustly accused by a banana-eating monkey he would have sprayed him with pepper.
What's Obama going to do about that?
He will probably order another six-pack to ease the brewing tension.
I guess at the rate racial tension is rearing its ugly head in the Obama era and the way he has chosen to tackle the very volatile issue America may soon run out of beer.
That will be good for the Nigerian breweries. But on a serious note, these oyinbo people na wah for them.
Why do you say that?
Upon all these things Martin Luther King Jr talked that we should not be judged by the colour of our skin but by the content of our heart and brain these albinos still have it in theit brains that we are banana eating monkeys. na wah o!

Think, Niagara, Think

‘I want to swear by Ogun, the god of Iron, that I will check out when the umpire says “last card, Andrew!” I am a man of honour. I have done it before. I will do it again. Last night, I told my wife: “let’s do it again” and she agreed’



Fellow countrymen and women.
Once again, I am addressing you over the national talk shop which will soon wind up its sittings and deliberations after much ado about oil and gas. As you ought to have observed, the delegates have also been at each other’s throat for the past three months over who should rule us, where the person should come from and for how long. That’s okay by my administration provided they are not thinking of kicking us out of power. In fact, that’s the essence of our coming together. We have elected to jaw-jaw rather than to war-war. That’s the essence of democracy.
However, something is disturbing my mind about the direction the talk shop is heading. It appears some delegates are more interested in sharing the national goats instead of rearing them. They want to eat where they did not cook. While our neighbours in Porto Novo, Lome and Niamey are breeding goats and rabbits for sale, we are busy planning how to slaughter ours and roast them for dinner. I think time has come for us as a people to pause and think. Think, Niagarans, think.

So far, I have not been impressed by the happenings in the talk shop. The delegates appear to be more interested in laying emphasis on those things that tend to divide us rather than focusing on those that unite us. My own conclusion as of today, judging by the utterances and actions of delegates, is that we are more divided than ever before. Civilians do not want to do business with military leaders (I hope that does not include me). At the same time, Christians and Muslims are almost on the ready to draw daggers and pistols to slaughter each other as usual. The older generation does not see eye to eye with the indomie, spaghetti generation, just as the political equation in the country has been reduced to a mere north-south dichotomy.

When delegates are talking about north and south all the time, I am more curious than amused because it shows the level of ignorance and tolerance of the protagonists. Every day what we hear is rotational presidency between north and south. I am surprised that nobody has ever stood up to propose an alternative east-west rotation formula. If the north and south cannot agree on how to go about this allocation formula while not try it between east and west? Or are east and west no longer parts of the cardinal points?

But if I may ask, why is the issue of presidency a do-or-die affair? Why does everybody want to become president? Somebody jokingly told me the other day why this is so. He said the president of this country holds both the knife and the yam. And I asked the fellow, is the president’s job that of peeling the yam for dinner alone? If this is funny to you, it is not funny to me. Why can’t the president hold both the shovel and the digger? The country deserves a president who wants to serve selflessly with hard labour like a condemned prisoner. A person who will always be thinking, breathing and acting Niagara. The country is tired of an opportunist who wants executive power to loot, to allocate, to relocate, to execute, to kill extrajudicially, to cheat, to defraud, to immunise, to transfuse, to siphon, to bunker, to launder and to rob banks in broad daylight in the name of security. From what I have seen so far, there is not much of altruistic intentions in those clamouring for the wheel of fortune to spin in their direction. Every Dokubo and Haruna wants to be president not because the buck stops on his table. In Niagara, it’s only the beef that stops on the president’s desk; fall guys take care of the rest. Niagara is too big for any riff-raff to want to lead. Security reports have indicated to us that most of those aspiring to lead this country two years from now cannot come to equity with their soiled hands. 419 crooks, treasury looters, money launderers, certificate forgers and certified assassins are said to be on the prowl.

Fellow Niagarans, nobody should misconstrue what I have just said as an indication of intent not to vacate Asshole. Let me be categorical about the fact that Asshole is vacant at the expiration of my tenancy but it is surely not for sale for all these pretenders. It is true that some do-gooders are tempting me to overstay my welcome but as a gentleman and (ex)officer of one of the most disciplined armed forces in the world (disregard Abasha’s dent), I want to swear by Ogun, the god of Iron, that I will check out when the umpire says “last card, Andrew!” I am a man of honour. I have done it before. I will do it again. Last night, I told my wife: “let’s do it again” and she agreed. What else do I want?

Unfortunately, however, there are too many rats in the system waiting for the cat to retire so that they can lick the pot of soup dry. Left to such opportunists, the debt relief is a non-event since they seem to have nothing to gain personally. To them, Betham’s philosophy is an anomaly. The greatest good for the greatest number can only do damage to their entrenched class system. Egalitarianism has no place in such people’s dictionary. And this is why I pity the suffering people of the riverine areas. All the agitations for equitable cake sharing and enhanced derivation formula may come to nought because of the greed of the leaders and elders to whom a common voice is an anathema. Everybody wants to wear turbans like the Talibans, put on bowler hats like the old colonial masters and wear abetiaja caps like Sango worshippers. With oil money in their pockets, they want to party all night long, dancing boneless dance, digging owambe and doing the Fulani maiden dance in five-star nite-clubs while the fishermen and farmers continue to languish in abject poverty.

Fellow countrymen and women, it is time for us to put our acts together. Time is running out. Adaka Boro did his own but he was overpowered in the middle of his revolution. Saro Wiwa did his own and he was judicially murdered. Yet, the struggle has not abated. Today, the Atekes, the Dokubos and their angry comrades are roaming the creeks ready to pull the trigger to avenge the deaths of their revolutionary icons if justice is not done.

So, please, let’s keep talking. It’s better than fighting. Let’s jaw-jaw, it’s better than to war-war. May God bless you all.

First published July 25, 2005.

Judgment Day for Everyman

By Obotunde IJIMERE

‘Money does not prevent a man from becoming a fool.
Money does not prevent a man from becoming mad.
The red feather is the pride of the parrot.
The young leaf is the pride of the palm-tree.
The sun is the pride of heaven:
But wisdom — not money — is the pride of man!’

Olodumare (God)
Owner of the world
In the kingdom where the sun goes to rest
You sit on your throne.
You hold us in your hand
And we weigh lightly.
You only decide
Whether we may return
To challenge fate once more
On earth
Or whether — our characters beyond repair —
We’ll be condemned to the heaven of potsherds
Never to return,
Never to try again.

Truly, I am tired of the children of the world.
Their origin in heaven they forget —
Living worse than beasts.
I gave them eyes — they refuse to see.
I gave them ears — they refuse to hear.
I gave them brains — they refuse to remember.
Look at Everyman (Eda) enjoying his wealth.
He has children, he has houses, he has lorries:
And his money increases and has children;
And his money multiplies and has grandchildren.
But he forgets.
‘Money does not prevent a man from becoming a fool.
Money does not prevent a man from becoming mad.
The red feather is the pride of the parrot.
The young leaf is the pride of the palm-tree.
The sun is the pride of heaven:
But wisdom — not money — is the pride of man!’
Everyman treats money like his God:
He sacrifices his wisdom, he sacrifices his friendship,
He sacrifices his compassion;
He sacrifices every virtue to money.
He has forgotten that day in heaven
When, fifty years ago, he knelt before my throne
To receive his fate.
Then Everyman prayed for money — and his request was granted,
For he said:
Money shall be my tool to do great works:
Money shall be my bricks and my cement;
Money shall be my spade and my hoe;
Money shall be my slave — to work
For the improvement of my town!
Now I am tired of Everyman,
For he broke his promise,
He uses money to destroy — not to build.
Instead of building his town — he rules it…
Instead of helping his people — he buys them.
Instead of sharing his wealth — he hoards it.
Therefore, I have decided
A sudden judgment day I will hold
And deal with Everyman according to his merit.
Iku! Iku! (Death! Death!)

My Lord!
Owner of the sun, owner of the sky, owner of the world
Nobody knows your father,
The liars are only lying;
Nobody knows your mother,
The liars are only lying.

Iku,
You the most faithful of all my servants!
Go you to Everyman with my urgent message:
He must set out on a pilgrimage at once
Today, this very hour, do I want to see him
Before my throne.
Without delay he must appear
And let him bring his book of accounts.

My Lord,
I shall run through the whole world
And I will visit all those who do not
Know your laws, I will find them in every
Nook and cranny of the world, those
Who have forgotten their promises
Made before they were born!
And I shall strike them suddenly
And hard; and their eyes will break
And their knees collapse, and their blood
Will curdle. And without delay,
They must set out on their pilgrimage.

Judgement Day for Everyman is an extract from Everyman, one of the plays in The Imprisonment of Obatala and Other Plays by ‘Obotunde Ijimere’ a.k.a Ulli Beier, Heinemann, 1966.

Ssh! Megida Is Resting!!

We are starting Vox POPilogue this week with two reactions to the previous Vox POPilogue. Open the door for Mike Epue and Diana Omars, both of Warri, Delta State. Epue first.

Thank you. Vox POPilogue of June 22, 2009 (Baba Na Boy?) refers. Your versatility cuts across the mundane to the didactic such that it is infectious. Aha, from aboniki to bonga fish bone to dominus vobiscum! Na wah for you!

Et tu Epue? Na wah for you, too. I wonder why you've chosen to join those who tempt me with a swollen head that has the potential of making me fall like Humpty-Dumpty if care is not taken. Well, it's all in a day's job. But those whose palm kernels are cracked for them by a benevolent spirit should never forget to be humble. Please, don't tell Chinua Achebe that I stole his proverb lest you are charged along with being an accessory after the fact of copyright infringement — or, worse still, plagiarism!

Opilogue, I hail o! I hear say somebody talk am say dem fit beat you up because of Opilogue. Nobody fit touch you. Abi dem no know say Opilogue get many followers like me who go go to the court wey dey for The Hague to fight because of you? Abi dem think say Opilogue na Bakassi? Make dem be careful o.

Thanks, Dianna, Princess of Wales, sorry, Warri. I don do my own security research. We get am for incantation for inside Bible, like this: "Nobody dares raise an arm to beat yinmin yinmin (dung beetle - an insect that removes dung by rolling it and in the process covering itself up with faeces)... When a child carries firewood infested with termites and poisonous insects, he hurriedly throws them away. The day an angry Adam sees an Eve in the Garden of Eden, that's the day he will forget all his unromantic, evil machinations". Did you ask whether this holy incantation can be found in the old or new testament? Don't ask me. Ask Brother Ikumapayi, my late Sunday school teacher.

By the way, is comedy one of the criteria for studying journalism? You always make my week after reading Opilogue. Blessing A, Port Harcourt.

No, but a small dose of humour does no harm to the nation's BP (blood pressure).

Some people may be thrilled about the way you displayed and presented the conversation between the creek militant and the expartriate oil worker (re: Waiting for Our Own Moses, TELL, June 8, 2009) but what touched me most was the picture of the wretched house and its occupants. I sincerely share in the grief of the Niger Deltans. Akpa Jude Osita, Enugu.

We all have no choice but to pity the 'overmidwifed' goose that lays the golden eggs that fill our foreign exchange basket to the brim.

I must thank you for showing the world what the Niger Delta really looks like. The bungalow in the picture looks like the palace of the king of my village built 700 years ago. John Iyagbaye, Ayobo, Lagos.

You can keep a photocopy of that picture as a memento of man's inhumanity to man right under his own roof..

Re: Crucifixion of the Faithful, TELL, June 1, 2009. There is what is called epikai in Moral Theology. Abortion is the worst crime against humanity. If Christ said that we should allow little children to come to Him, it can only be done if we allow them to be born and not aborted. This is my own opilogue territory. Don't trespass! Rev. Fr. U S Mbonu, Orlu.

Thou sayest.

Your message in Come and See What Ekiti Did to Mama, TELL, May 11, 2009, brings to the fore the kind of democracy and politicians we have in this country. Owa John Chuks, Port Harcourt.

Thank God, you didn't say more than that. I had thought you were going to say that we are all living in a fools' paradise.

Let me say this: The title for that Opilogue was supposed to be "Come and See What Mama Did to Ekiti" and not "Come and See What Ekiti Did to Mama". In fact, she should be given a Ph.D in Confusion. She was able to confuse even the PDP. Oyinloye Kehinde, Tede, Oyo State.

Ph.D Confusion? The more you look, the less you see. The irony of it all is that while we are all shouting ourselves hoarse here and suffering from political insomnia, Mama is reported to be enjoying her conscience and sleeping cooooolehhh...on Anglofoam (or is it Vitafoam?) mattress in obodo oyibo. Do not say I told you.

Re: Slow Down. Reluctant Leaders at Work, TELL, June 15, 2009. Please tell Megida to proceed to the White House to find out what stuff a born-to-run leader like Obama is made of. Ayo Ademuyiwa, Ode Omu, Osun State.

Please have mercy on Megida. The engine is willing but the chasis is weak. He is just too fragile for the cut-throat, fast-food politics of this country. Yes, he may have the gun but he doesn't have the energy to pull the trigger. So, let him be. Do not kill him with excessive speed.

Indeed, speed kills! No wonder our present leader is yet to declare a state of emergency in the power sector after two years of making such a promise. He has forgotten that he promised to do so in the first 100 days of his administration. Please remind him that God said "let there be light" and there was light. Rev. U Wilson, Sabongida Ora, Edo State.

Eh! Softly, softly. Megida is not God. Moreover, electricity is not something you play with with wet hands. He is already having cold sweat over the myriad of problems confronting the country. So let him take his time until the Second Coming when he must have become a born-again Megida.

No, slow and steady don't win races anymore. Tina Amadi, Lagos.

You may be right. Even the tortoise has changed tactics! The man in question may kuku (just) put the nation's vehicle in reverse gear. Afterall, if he doesn't know where he is taking us, at least he should be able to take us back to the very bus stop where he picked us in 2007. And that may be even great progress from where we are now.

Thanks for the down-to-earth analysis of our problems. It's either reluctant persons or criminals in power. Pastor O. Shingyu (no address).

P-a-a-s-t-o-r! Okay, let's pray. "God, give us men with vision and mission to lead us out of this Babylon to the Promised Land not full of oil and gas but full of great minds who can think of squeezing something out of nothing like the Japanese and the Singaporeans". Pastor, I can't hear you say 'Amen'. Abi you dey vex true, true?

It's proof that we've never had it good in terms of leaders. A disheartening situation, indeed. Kris Omotosho, Abeokuta.

Cry, the beloved country...Shhh, Alan Paton must not hear that in his grave. It has become a "redundant cliche" even in South Africa, the land of Rev. Khumalo.

I must commend your Opilogues. They are addictive. I even looked up your blog. It's great. Carry go. Engr. Obinna, Aba.

Carry go ke? I think it's you who should carry the blog and go spread the gospel like the man below.

I saw your picture on the internet the other day. At least I now know the Ogboju Ode Ninu Igbo Irunmole (Brave hunter in the forest of a thousand demons). Omotayo Taofiq, Ilorin.

The person you saw in that picture cannot kill a dead rat not to talk of a living tiger. Wherein lies his (ogboju) bravery? By the way, are you really sure it's me you saw? I just hope this is not another case of optical illusion, for illusions, optical and all, are the order of the day in Niagara!!