Friday, September 25, 2009

Opilogue Has Gone Bananas!

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"Language is dynamic. I agree there is no excuse for bad grammar, but for those who choose the informal medium for text messages, it is a matter of style"

Reactions to Mama Has Got a Brand New Drug, TELL, July 13, 2009, have been unusually overwhelming. The reason is not far-fetched. Banana is sweet. Everybody wants to have a bite!

Gee! Thanks, I have always been allergic to banana but given my constant constipation and your advice, I'll give a banana a day a trial. Amobi, Abakaliki.

Sure? Why not contact your doctor first before carrying out the "instruction" of an armchair "doctor".

Hello, professor of banana studies, "UniPlogue". Will you want to prescribe it for our leaders? They are sleeping and dreaming on duty. Agbor Arikpo, Ore, Ondo State.

Nowhere was it suggested that banana is a stimulant. So let them continue enjoying their deep slumber until another Obama comes to neighbouring Togo or Burkina Faso to wake them up with some home truths.

This your prescription is "gbogbohunse" (cure all). Tell me, where is your medical school located? Omoniyi Ikuomola, Ibadan.

At Orita Mejo ("Eight Roundabouts"), Ibadan, with a school of dentistry located under the bridge at Ojuelegba in Lagos. And like you rightly (?) said in the excised portion of your text, "banana may soon cure toothache." How about that? A trial will help in restructuring your dental cavity. Just try it.

Ha! Since when did you become a consultant to the Olu Akinkugbe Foundations of this world? S Oyiborhoro, Sapele, Delta State.

Look at you! Do I need to be an Akinkugbe to know that banana is a good foundation on which to build a reservoir of energy for the hard working Niagaran? Siddon look like most African leaders while the rest of the world has bolted away from the dungeon of under development!

Nice piece but I was just wondering: Were you a doctor before? Or do you own a banana plantation? Are those pieces of information medically certified? Emma Uwadiegwu, Abuja.

Why are you worrying yourself? Will a banana a day kill you? If you are in doubt, just heed the woman's advice to her son. Hold a hurried dialogue with your legs and run to the nutritionist or medical doctor nearest to your home. Chikena!

I don't understand the last paragraph where you talk about one who is predisposed to having diabetes. Are you saying banana should not be taken by diabetics? Joshua Buba, Port Harcourt.

Don't read the last paragraph in isolation. Try to relate it to what the mother had earlier told the son on what she normally does to avoid morning sickness, and I quote, I know what to do. Just snacking on banana between meals helps to KEEP BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS UP (capitals mine) and avoid morning sickness. Unquote. The son, towards the end, expressed his desire to be having banana for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. And the mother was wise enough to caution him not to eat banana in excess. Relate it to the woman's raison d'etre for eating banana when she is pregnant. Does that make any sense? If your doubt persists after two days, contact your family doctor.

Too good to be true, like the son exclaimed. If I know of any factory producing banana, I'd have said you're doing a paid job for them... Adeniyi Adeoye, Akure.

Only bad news is good news? Thanks for being a true Niagaran (cynic?).

Hmm... Much ado about banana. Tina Amadi, Isolo, Lagos.

Much ado about banana? Sir Victor Uwaifor must not hear that. For him, after "Joromi", it is "Sweet Banana". And it is really sweet!

So, you like banana? No wonder you always go bananas with words. Amadi Yacub, Shadawanka Barracks, Bauchi.

Since you are writing from within Shadawanka Barracks, Bauchi, I don't know what to say. As you see me so, I fear people wey fit go bananas with guns, wallahi talahi!

I just finished reading your banana page of TELL, July 13, page 54...(no name, no address).

My banana page? Kai! No comment.

You have just highlighted everything that is wrong with our education (re: Hammer House of Error! TELL, July 6, 2009) for 80 per cent of the nation's graduates are glorious school leavers. Ajuwon Oludeji Johnson, Ibadan, Oyo State.

Softly, softly, abi you wan start another "identity crisis" crisis? Lagbaja himself don sing am for record. He talk am say, "even oyinbo too dey shoot (grammatical) bullets" gbosa gbosa like that. So wetin remain?

Agreed that all of us, from the highly placed to the lowly placed, are speaking and writing terrible and dangerous English, must you expose us? Uncle Patrick and Pastor (Jehovah) must hear this. Kris Omotosho, Abeokuta.

Then I'm finished! I have no bullet proof vests to withstand their fusillade of biblical, nay, grammatical inexactitudes!

Let me ask. Where is the culture of letter-writing in this? SMS is now becoming the order of the day. Blessing A, Port Harcourt.

Thanks for reminding us of the art of letter writing. Those were the good old days when lovers used to live in the Garden of Love. Those were the days when letters were masterfully crafted (and "lovely dated") to win the hearts of damsels and Princes Charming in their shining armours. Those were the days when men would read Shakespeare's plays like Romeo and Juliet before writing their loved ones and the ladies would have to read romance novels to learn new expressions and pick some new words and phrases to adorn their love letters. Nowadays, it is SMS text messages which are not even composed by them but by anonymous authors of the Onitsha market literature pedigree. God save the Queen!

I disagree. Language is dynamic. I agree there is no excuse for bad grammar but for those who choose the informal medium for text messages, it is a matter of style. S Oyiborhoro (no address).

Oro di hun! Oro pesi je! Supposition kills proposition! Nothing more to add.

1 comment:

  1. Sir this is a lovely piece as usual. hope you would also check this blog: