Sunday, October 25, 2009


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Since Opilogue debuted never has there been this kind of letter received. As the Americans are wont to say, it is unbelievable! It's awesome!! But who can help decipher it? Here is the letter slightly edited to suit Opilogue house style. "Mr. Opilogue, good day. These are just some basic tips for your survival. If you want to be angry just watch Ekiti Elections Tribunal. If you want to feel drowsy listen to the new Baba. If you want to feel bored watch David's Knesset in session. If you want to waste a whole day attend Banky's House of Probes. If you want comedy tune to Drug Lady's rebranded Federal Mumbo-Jumbo, FM, radio. If you are allergic to lies avoid Anthony General and his Queen Latifah at any biribiri crusade (whatever that means). If you have kids eager to learn Hausa and Fulfude avoid the Turainic school owned by the new Mamangida. And if you are disgruntled join the Ruffy Dubby party in exile and start throwing missiles at Aso Rock". By Jove, I don't know what the hell the fellow is talking about. Does anybody know? Eh! Before you start guessing and taking undue advantage of the big 'IFs' let me quickly respond to some other letters. Open the mail box, please.

I refer to Shh! Megida Is Resting, TELL, July 27, 2009. The manner you undress our wickedness, sorry, I mean our nakedness, calls for caution. As for me, it is better to live in a fools' paradise than die there. Yes. The driver may be slow, we shall eventually get there. Nike Adesanya, Osogbo.

You are quite right. It's better to die as a king in hell than live as a servant in heaven! We are all local champions!! But come o, which kind talk be this, that you don't like the way and manner Opilogue has undressed your nakedness? When? Where? How? Abi which kind wahala be this? I siddon jeje and you begin dey call me "Vanessa, the Undresser". Chei! Thank God this is not a Sharia-compliant nation or else you would have ended up in a Sharia court like the Sudanese lady who wore jeans the other time and unwittingly disrobed the religious chauvinists. Yours would have been worse! Thank God for His mercies. Joke apart, tell that driver if you know him very well that he should press harder on the accelerator or snails, ants and tortoises would overtake the nation's vehicle on its journey to outer space.

Your work on banana, apart from its being informative, portrays you as a trado-herbalist. Erinosho Mike, Ijebu Ode.

You are right. But how about the day I write about how armed robbers operate? That will portray me as an armed robber, abi? The more you look...

Re: Drop Dead Today, Write Your Will Tomorrow, TELL, July 20, 2009. Who told you I should drop dead before I write my will? Anyway, I have written my will like Michael Jackson did but it's not within my reach. It is inside the big ogas' bank accounts in Switzerland. Akpa Jude Osita, Enugu.

That's a wise decision. Only wise men bank with Swiss banks because Switzerland is a safe haven for the good, the bad and the ugly from developng and starving nations.

For Michael Jackson to have written his Will at 42 means he had assets and liabilities to share. But a struggling African man has nothing to share except his wife and children. By the way have you written your own will? As for me, I’m not ready to die now. S. A. Adejuwon, Esa Oke, Osun State.

Death is no respecter of anybody. If you have four wives write a will today on how they should be shared just in case! A will in hand is worth more than two in the grave.

Good day. I am an ardent reader of Opilogue. Please, I just want to point this out that Michael Jackson actually died a Muslim and not as a Jehova's witness as you wrote in "Drop Dead Today...." Dotun (no address).

Thanks. I did not know that he had converted to Islam before his death. Records show that he actually performed the shahada (declaration of faith) on November 21, 2008 in the home of Steve Porcaro, a keyboard player and one of the composers of his record breaking Thriller album. I went further to visit an Islamic babalawo (aafa?) who divined for me and revealed that the King of Pop became either Mikailu or Mukaila or a name that sounds like that (Mikaeel). The babalawo also looked at his opele (native crystal ball) and saw that an elder brother of Michael's had earlier become converted and gone to Mecca! He was very emphatic about his discovery despite my dooubts but he was dead right. He was actually referring to Muhammad Abdul Aziz aka Jermaine Jackson. But na wah for these African Americans! For example, Malcolm Little, aka Malcolm X, during the Civil Rights Movement days converted to Islam and went to Mecca only to have a stopover in Niagara enroute Ghana (in the early 1960s) and got nicknamed "Alhaji Omowale". Cassius Clay got converted and became the legendary Muhammad Ali. Wacko Jacko also made sure he joined the pantheon of great African-American converts (of the Nation of Islam pedigree) and became Alhaji Mukaila(?) Jackson before his death. He sure must be in aljanah by now. Aleyi wa Salaam (God grant him eternal rest).

Mr. Opilogue, you take my breath away. Your words (Re; Drop Dead...) are immortal like the lyrics of Wacko Jacko's songs. Segun Akinade, Agege, Lagos.

My advice. Always wear an oxygen mask whenever you are reading Opilogue just to make assurance doubly sure. Now inhale! One more time! All’s well that ends well. Happy reading.

I visited your blog ( and wanted to leave a comment but couldn't do so. Please, what option do I use from the select profile options to send my comments? Halima Ahmed, Kaduna.

You need to register a Google Account to unlock the door for you or choose the 'anonymous' option and then leave your name at the end of the post.

But, please, consider those of us who are not "dot com" compliant before you relocate Opilogue completely to the internet. Dr. Charles, Minna, Niger State.

Lakita, please note that the world is like a masquer dancing. If you want to enjoy the spectacle you do not stay on the same spot in Minna. You must move with the time. Very soon newspapers and magazines will only be available online. So,like the Boy Scouts, BE PREPARED for the great change. Kaji ko, Lakita Charlie?

Mr Opilogue, how will you describe that NAFDAC angel-turned Musa's megaphone? Ajayi Olusola, Ondo.

Hmmm...This is agidigbo drum that you are beating here but I guess I understand the rhythm and blues. And I will answer you accordingly. Well, the woman you are probably referring to remains an angel, if not to you at least to her husband. Then remember the immortal words of Professor MAMSER: If you are a teacher, teach well; if you are a manager, manage well; if you are a director, direct well; if you are also a brand manager, brand manage well...The "angel" has acquitted herself very well as a faithful card-carrying member of the party in power. Needless to remind you that he who pays the piper dictates the tune. No be so? Let's just thank God for her. She is no longer where barons can remove her headgear with bows and arrows, not to mention AK – 47s

I have read "Diplomatic Yabis" (TELL, November 20, 2008) and I find it real knowledge of the (Niagaran) situation and problems. I wonder if you could help in e-mailing some of your write-ups to my box,

I don't encourage the substitution of GSM number or e-mail address for the name of a reader. It is too surreal and it creates a lot of distortions. Now, see me, see trouble. I can't figure out your name. Are you Fabian Duru Jnr or Fabian, the Okada man, as that yahoo address seems to suggest?

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