Wednesday, June 16, 2010



You really wanted to know how Africa can win the World Cup? Simple. First and foremost we should learn to believe in our propensity and capacity to bring about the 8th wonder of the world in South Africa.

How do we do that?

It's as easy as drinking akamu. A Ghanaian player set the ball rolling last month in England.

Who is that and what did he do?

It's Kevin Boateng, the Prince of Ghana as well as Portsmouth where King Kanu holds court. He jazzed his country's opponent in the opening round. Michael Ballack, the German machine, is no longer a threat to the Black Stars. Whether by actual tackling or by remote control we should demobilise our potential opponents. And let me tell you this, African magic is already working. Rio Ferdinand is already out of the World Cup race for England. Arjen Robben, the Dutch, may also end up in Robben Island nursing injury during the tournament. Our gods are already awake doing the job for us.

Na lie! Which gods? How about our own players who are down and out? Michael Essien of Ghana, our own Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba a.k.a Aderogba of Ivory Coast have also had their chances of representing their countries messed up. Are the African gods also responsible for this?

Don't worry yourself. The gods are not to blame. In football the end justifies the means. Use what you have to get what you desire. *If you are less busy let's go down memory lane to examine how Machiavellian tactics had been used before to achieve a continental objective.

You must be kidding!

Siddon dia (sit down there) and be talking grammar. World Cup is no tea party. It's the equivalent of war. Every nation or continent is ready to play dirty to have a grab of the golden goblet. Fair is foul; foul is fair. Every team wants to win either by clean tackles or by unlawful shouldering. Jersies will be torn and bones will be crushed.

So, where is the FIFA fair play plea?

My friend, fair play does not win trophies. It's Machiavelli all the way. *So if you don't mind let's go down memory lane like I said and see how the fair play doctrine was sidelined by the Darwinian theory of survival of the fittest...In 1958 a precocious 17-year-old Brazilian boy caused sensation at the World Cup in Sweden and made his country win for the first time with his computerised football. In 1962 he was back to cause further upsets in Chile as Brazil won back to back. In 1966 he was back yet again fully loaded to cause further havoc. His artillery legs and nuclear war head were the cynosure of all eyes. Brazil looked certainly set to win the World Cup in England the third time consecutively but that was not to be. A carefully planned ambush on the field of play by Portugal was enough to take care of his dancing legs and Brazil's hope of a third win. Brazil subsequently crashed with him because he was the pivot around which other players oscillated.

Are you suggesting that African nations should field butchers, a.k.a bonecrushers, as defenders of our continental pride?

Why not, if not? I have told you the end will always justify the means.

No, I don't think that's appropriate.

Eh, look at you! Do you know what Italy did to Niagara in 1994? They studied our style of play and they found out that Daniel Amokachi was the bull, the engine room of our operations, and they technically put him out. They also devised a diabolical means of excusing Amuneke, another bulldozer marauder, from his duty post after scoring his Alice-in-Wonderland goal against them.

So, what are you suggesting we do?

If we want the World Cup to stay in Africa we must do the following. We all know that the oyinbo people don't like noise. We can catch them on that. We should bring in African musicians to come and play, sorry, make noise, at the stadium anytime an African team is playing. Let's bring Alariwo of Africa, the guy who sang "Kini Big Deal", Fuji crooners like Obesere, oko onikulikuli (grand lover of groundnut cake sellers), and all those who sing noise to come and confuse them. In addition we can put about 10,000 well trained African monkeys in the stands yelling and making a hell of a noise and calling the oyinbo players names and hissing and spitting any time they have possession of the ball as they do to ebony players in Spain and Portugal. And the real Mccoy of it all? Let every African be blowing the vuvuzela and hitting metal gongs on and off the field of play to destabilise them. Make noise in restaurants, in front of their hotels, in their bedrooms, at their training camps and even when they go to the gents! Make it difficult for them to urinate or concentrate. Bring in all the sangoma, babalawo, marabouts and voodoo men in Haiti, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Benin Republic, Mali, Senegal, Sango-Otta and Arochukwu and everywhere to work in conjunction with African witches and wizards to render the attackers against our teams impotent in front of goal even if their team doctors and psychologists had injected them with high doses of viagara and ecstasy and birbiturate, all combined. When they are face to face with African goalkeepers they will see lions not human beings and run away, abandoning the ball in the 18-yard box. Whether by crooked means or by lawful elbowing we must to win! Yes o!! And if going native or malicious is dated our players should be asked to embark on a three-day dry fast before any match and make sure that they don't drink water during half time. Already the Niagara Pray Association has already sent an advance party of aladura led by Brother jacobin and it is camped on the Table Mountain praying and fasting and cursing and speaking in tongues... "Whatever we tell the referee is what the referee will hear, jah Jehova. It's whatever we do or say that the referee will accept, jah Jehova. In this World Cup, all goals scored against any African team will be rejected for offside positional play, jah Jehova. When penalty taken against us let the ball end up in the moon, jah Jehova". That has been their prayer since they landed on the Table Mountain, almost burning the mountain top with candle fire. But I learnt their prayers on penalties have already been answered. FIFA has forbidden the ojoro tactics of strikers who often run, stop and confuse the goalkeeper before taking a penalty shot. Just go straight to the point, says FIFA. That will help African teams. Shoot straight at our goalkeepers and no goal will be scored. Yashin!

Does it mean Ronaldo will not be allowed to play his panada (dummy) penalties again?

You mean banana shots?

No, I mean panada, ojoro (deceptive) penalty kicks. Who is talking of banana? Is he a monkey? I mean he will run and then suddenly stop to see the goalkeeper move before making hay.

At least not when he is playing in Africa. If he does, not only FIFA will fight him but all the gods of Africa will descend on the pitch and bite him to death. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Don't you think that's too much for ordinary Word Cup?

Ordinary ke? You must be joking! Remember Escobar of Colombia? He was killed for scoring an own goal in a World Cup tournament. Is that ordinary? Our U-23 team beat Mexico, Brazil and Argentina in 1996, Atlanta Olympics, do you know how many people committed suicide over this? Anyway, I was just joking about Ronaldo invoking the anger of the gods. There are many ways of killing a rat. Some of the players who can be thorns in our flesh can easily be taken care of without violence. Let's begin with Argentina. All our players need do is make a mess of Messi by taunting him, calling him "short man devil", "Falklands Fokker", "messy diapers" and "little humpty-dumpty" and he will lose his senses and do a Zinedine Zidane against Yobo. The instant penalty, of course, is a red card. We should adopt the machiavellian tactics pioneered by the Italians. If we should meet Portugal it's easy to render Ronaldo impotent. Just detail two busty Falconets to closemark him. Because he loves women he will be too carried away "ball" watching to notice any jabulani on the field. Ah! Africa, we are win before before (We've won even before kicking the ball)!! … Because it is Africa’s turn to become world champions. We must to win either by crooked tackling or by lawful shouldering and elbowing, afterall fair is foul; foul is fair in war.

Meaning we can go physical, psychological or metaphysical to achieve this?

I repeat, fair is foul; foul is fair. The World Cup must stay in Africa, placed on the Table Mountain in Cape Town for all men to see the glory of zoning and clowning and clannishness in Africa, nay Niagara, the giant in the sun.

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