“This new administration means business. There shall be no looting, no raping,
no sodomy, no gomorrah…”
I, General Ige Adubi, Garrison Commander of the Wetin-You-Carry, WYC, Armed Forces, stationed off the coast of Niagara with oversight responsibility over the Bight of Biafra and the State of Panambra, hereby, on behalf of the Revolutionary Elements in the WYC Armed Forces, announce the immediate overthrow of the corrupt, inept, go-slow government of Ogbuefi He-Goat. This is not a coup d’etat, rather it is a mere change of government. Thus, the Panambra cabinet is hereby dissolved with immediate effect and automatic alacrity. The State Assembly is suspended forthwith. The government secretariat is hereby closed and all government and private offices shall also remain closed with immediate effect. The only offices that can open are tombo (palm wine) bars, pepper soup joints and mama-puts. All other public and private businesses shall remain under lock and key until further notice.
Fellow Panambrans, we have been forced to take this drastic action because, despite repeated warnings and threats, the executive governor has remained intransigent. He behaves true to his name but do we have to tell the aged he-goat that his present long beard is no more proof of sexual prowess? Ogbuefi He-Goat saw the truth but he was too stubborn to uphold the truth that he went into a covenant with our forefathers who bankrolled his election with prayers and juju. The godfathers, on his behalf also, visited the shrine of the Long Juju of Arochukwu to secure a clean sweep of the state by the demolition party but like the hunter’s dog, which is destined to get lost, he refused to listen to his master’s whistle. Hence our collective decision to stage this coup.
In fact, his sins are legion. The man would not eat and would not allow others to eat, even when they are hungry. Six weeks after coming to power, he is still as lean as a starved mosquito because he does not eat more than three times a day. Henceforth, all Panambrans must eat like vultures. The other sin, is his unwillingness to allow security men to drink their tombo while on duty. Henceforth, all policemen and security details must drink and enjoy themselves everyday and, to avoid hangover, they must remain perpetually drunk. Ogbuefi He-Goat thinks he is saving money for the government but it’s a lie! He is a spendthrift. He owes the World Bank over N3 billion and would not pay back even after being in power for more than five weeks! He would not even issue post-dated cheques, instead he was asking for our patience and understanding. Yes, the meat of the antelope tastes nice, but what will the people eat while the meat is cooking? He has no answer to that. The pity of it all is that he does not have an iota of respect for our forefathers, or godfathers or, even, our godmothers. He would want to have a hand in the picking of the members of the Elders’ Council for the entire Ndigbo without consulting the major shareholders and core-investors in the limited liability project. He must be a fool at 56 if he doesn’t know that he who pays the Nkpoti Dancers dictates the tune as well as the venue for their performance. He despised smallness by stepping on the godfather and we decided to sting like a bee to show him that it is only a foolish son who thinks he knows so much that he can teach his own father how to impregnate a woman.
Ogbuefi He-Goat is currently under protective custody, safe and sound because we don’t believe in further bloodshed. Armed robbers, ritual killers, Bakassi Boys and overzealous law enforcement officers have shed enough blood in the land and we don’t intend to shed an additional drop. So far, this coup, has been effected without bloodshed whatsoever. Not even a single shot, except a few well-intended slaps, was fired because we are a bunch of considerate and humane revolutionaries. Later tonight, the Supreme Commander and the Grand Patron of the Wetin-You-Carry Armed Forces (aka Egunje Armed Forces) will address the state and announce the new programme of action for the new millennium. Please, remain glued to your radio and TV sets.
Meanwhile, the Niger Bridge is hereby closed to human but not to vehicular traffic. For the avoidance of doubt, all vehicles shall have right of passage provided they are not driven by human beings and shall not convey human beings. All borders shall remain closed until further notice. Policemen are, however, authorised to relocate their checkpoints to intra-city roads where human traffic will be heavy. They should be more vigilant and polite as they demand and collect parti-KOLAS from motorists. There should be no molestation of any kind. Divisional Commanders are hereby instructed to report directly to the Supreme Headquarters to account for daily proceeds at the various checkpoints under their respective commands. This is a new era of accountability. Every command should, henceforth, account for the ammo issued out everyday and state what they kill with them. All monies should be accounted for as police auditors are hereby instructed to audit checkpoint accounts on a daily basis. There should be no more cheating. This new administration will not condone indiscipline. This new government will not tolerate undemocratic embezzlement. Neither will it condone any form of unauthorised corruption.
All 419 criminals are hereby ordered to proceed on voluntary exile for six months — and return upon their faithful “delivery” of dollars and pounds sterling. Drug barons should disappear with immediate effect into protective custody on moderate charges. Armed robbers must lie low and stop robbing people without police warrants. This new administration means business and you are all warned. There should be no looting, no raping, no sodomy, no gomorrah, no homo-sexualism of any kind. Anybody caught will be beaten to death. Be warned. This is a new dawn with a new regime. All army generals, naval commanders, airforce officers and scoutmasters are to report at the nearest police stations. Journalists who write nonsense about police will, henceforth, be tear-gassed. The following publications are hereby proscribed – Daily Truth, Transparency Journal, Corruption Weekly, Underworld Gazette and Human Rights Bullets.
Fellow Panambrans, let me assure you that everything is under control. All strategic locations are being manned by heavily armed kill-and-go men. A DAWN to DUSK curfew is hereby imposed. Nobody should go anywhere except to the police checkpoints where you can all contribute your widow’s mite to the cost of logistics in effecting this change in… Hold it! What’s that? Wait a minute. Did I hear gunshots? No, …sorry, fellow Panambrans, don’t panic. It’s just an accidental discharge. Eeehm… actually, we were just testing our new equipment for… eemm… Prize-Giving and… emm… Coup-Making Day. Sorry, I have got to go. We are aaaaall together!!!
The Aborted Broadcast first published in TELL August 4, 2003.