Sunday, June 14, 2009

Baba Na Boy?

‘What creativity has put together, let no ignoramus put asunder’

This week, VoxPOPilogue goes into the archives to dust up those things that have already been warehoused for future reference. Some were not used at the time they came because they were anonymous. Some were dropped for lack of space, while others were reserved for special occasions like this. Warning: the standing rule against anonymous text messages still stands.

Opilogue has the prerogative to publish reactions now or later or never at all. Now, have a view of the good, the bad and the ugly. As usual, for every reaction there's a counter-reaction.

Re: Woman, Show Me Your Birth Certificate, (TELL, March 30, 2009), I don't believe in astrology as such but I could identify with some of the qualities listed in that Opilogue. I'm an Arien and would like to know what Zodiac personality will make the ideal mate or partner for me. (Anonymous).

Sorry, I don't know who you are. Are you a man or woman or she-man or he-woman or transsexual or heterosexual or homosexual? Who are you gan? Can you write a doctor asking him what you can do to have children without disclosing your sex? I beg...

I just hope someone will not beat you up one day over Opilogue. Imasunu Innocent, Abuja.

That will be in the true spirit of democracy, if it happens. But in a military dictatorship, that 'someone' may employ something more lethal than the fist of fury. The harder you knock on the establishment in a despotic dispensation, the nearer you are to harm's way. Talk of occupational hazard! But in a democracy, at least the 'someone' will have to follow the rule of law and due process, a la Baba Goslow, by swearing to an affidavit of intent to assault and obtaining a warrant for same from a magistrate before beating me up. It is like telling your boss now that you won’t be able to come to work next week because you intend to be down with malaria.

I think one of your talents is in stand-up comedy where I know you'll also excel. Jimmy, Calabar.

No thanks, Jimmy Carter or is it Jimmy Calabar? I think I prefer "sit-down satire" because of backache. Aboniki, as you know, is becoming more expensive nowadays because of, guess what, the economic meltdown. Can't afford a bottle of balm per week.

May you and your fold be largely increased. Rev. Uwadiale Amoya, Edo State.

Since this prayer landed on Opilogue table, I have been trying to say ‘Amen’ but Amen has continued to get stuck in my throat like bonga fish bone. Perhaps Rev. Amoya should be kind enough to remember that one man's comedy is another man's tragedy. Or to put it more succintly, a la the ngbati ngbati people, what is sauce for the aparo bird is, indeed, poison for the (subsistence) farmer.

I enjoy reading Opilogue. You are a man of many letters. Kudos. Nwachi Ogbonna, Afikpo, Ebonyi State.

Man of letters, indeed! Well, you may be right. After all, my byline contains 12 letters (six consonants, six vowels). Who says I am not a man of letters! Or who is not a man or woman of letters? Et tu (Brute) Ogbonnae!

You must get The Nation of today (July 13, 2008) and read Eze Aremu Goes Back to School. Are you sure you did not write it? K. Adebayo (no address).

I'm not Tatalo Aremu, the musician. Neither am I a pipe smoker as the carricature in the column depicts. The man who calls himself Tatalo Aremu in the newspaper looks robust and well-fed. I'm not. I'm still a struggling and scavenging creature in God's own wasteland. So, I couldn't have been the one who followed Eze Aremu to school. That would be suicidal because if student Aremu should get angry on his way to school, no bullet-proof vest in this world could withstand his automatic fusillades of expletives.

I'm appealing to those who kidnapped (Joseph) Yobo's brother in the Naija Delta to release him. Please assist the NFA (NFF now) to secure the release. Bala Mohd, Jos.

Bala what? Could that translate to Bala Mohammed? What a name! By the way, did you shorten Mohammed to Mohd so that you yourself would not be kidnapped? Please, you can behead Bala, your first name, if you like but don't you dare murder Mohammed, your father's name. Don't do like the overzealous latter-day Christians who have no respect for their family names because some Pharisee pastors say their ancestral names are fetish. Fetish my foot!

Who taught you the art of marrying fiction with reality? S. Oyiborhoroq (no address).

It is the chief registrar, Ikoyi Marriage Registry, Lagos. He says what creativity has put together (poetic licence?) let no ignoramus put asunder.

I salute your literary sagacity, journalistic expertise, verbal finesse, political ingenuity and 'opilogual' evangelism. You have converted me to the TELL agora, the People's Parliament. I'm now addicted to TELL weekly. Rev. Father U. S. Mbonu, Orlu.

Sorry, padre, for taking so long to respond to this “Karol Wojtylan” evocation. In fact, I had to contact the Holy See for help. At a point, I was directed to the catacomb in St. Peter’s Basilica to commune with the spirit of late Pope John Paul II and I was told the Holy Father could only assist me if I could speak to his spirit in French or Filipino or Polish or German or Portuguese or Swahili, all the languages he was fluent in, but not in English, which I understand he understood very much also. I was disarmed. I said, How come this Baba Pope don catch me like this? I could not talk even in French, yet Niagara is surrounded by Francophone countries! Neither could I speak Swahili, the new African lingua franca. Lest I forget... You must be having a good time on the pulpit with your free-flowing, evocative prose. Just as you are addicted to TELL, I pray that the flock is equally addicted to the shepherd's homilies on Sundays. Dominus vobiscum... Ka chi fuo nu.

Kudos for your write-up in TELL (of June 9, 2008). Keep it up, boy. (Anonymous).

Baba na boy? Na wah o! Well, it's possible. If a hunter travels far and deep enough into the jungle, he may encounter squirrels with hunchbacks! After all, if ‘Mama, na boy?’ why not papa, who is of the same gender (as the boy)? Is MTN listening? The country is ripe for yet another yellow revolution, sorry, I mean MTN advert.

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