What a Figment of Their ‘Figmagination’!

“Women need plenty of akpu power to engage in steet demonstrations like the Amazons of Akure and lately of Ado Ekiti”

As usual, it was supposed to be just a hilarious talk show on fruits and herbs but the reactions have been more serious than anticipated. By the way, why are people so interested in things like figs? Or was it just a figment of their 'figmagination’? Since God, the Ultimate Herbalist was published (TELL, April 13, 2009), people have been bombarding the Opilogue desk with enquiries on the fruit. But why the 'figxation'? Well, it's better you hear from the horses' mouths in this edition of VoxPOPilogue:

I have just finished reading your outlined medication. Please, what are figs? I think I need them. Bubu (no address).

I'm not a doctor neither am I a herbalist. Just a writer. I deal in whatever I consider worthy of being in the public interest. So, I don't prescribe. I would rather direct people to the market of ideas. Seriously(?) speaking, I feared “Mama Akin,” I mean the “Iron Lady,” when she was in charge of DRUGS and I still do. I don't want her to use me as a guinea pig in her REBRANDED laboratory. No way!

Your message in God, the Ultimate Herbalist simply confirms God's words in Genesis 1:29 (And God said, "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food," NEW KING JAMES VERSION). I, however, object to the use of the word 'herbalist'. I prefer the use of 'creator'. Remi Osho, Ajebo, Ogun State.

The editor has just confirmed that you would be a good sub-editor for our Sunday School (TELL) magazine. Imagine having "God, the Ultimate Creator" as the headline for that opilogue!! All born-again Christians would have bought copies?! Meanwhile can you assist the woman below?

Which of the fruits in (Niagara) is equivalent to figs? Mrs H. (no address).

Over to you 'Pastor' Osho. I hope you won't say the fig tree is the same as igi opoto in the Yoruba Bible. I hope you won't say the fig leaf is the same as the one used to cover the nakedness of Adam and Eve in the Bible? Again, I hope you won't say the fig fruit is the same as the one eaten by the first couple? I no know book o!

My friend, I just want to know, what are figs and what do they look like? Dan, Port Harcourt.

A fig is a soft pear-shaped fruit with sweet dark flesh and many seeds. You need some, too? Visit the nearest Garden of Eden. Thank God, Port Harcourt is a garden city; you don't have to travel too far!

When did you visit God's kitchen to know that He is a herbalist? You are lucky I'm not the angel guarding His gate. [Otherwise], you wouldn't have come back with those yeye video clips. John Iyagbaye, Lagos.

You need to be there. God is not only a good herbalist but a fantastic cook, too. He uses natural ingredients and condiments that synchronise and work perfectly with the human system. In His kitchen, you eat natural hens and cocks, not chickens that do not know their fathers and mothers because they were conceived through artificial insemination.

God, indeed, is the ultimate herbalist. Do you know that kolanut looks like the prostate? [Make man dey] begin dey munch go? Dr. Uche Ojinmah, Enugu.

If I say yes, then our friend, Dr. Sule Ahmed, also a medical doctor, may accuse me of encouraging a policy that will make gworo, a Northern beverage in solid form (whether kola nitida or kola acumilata), become very expensive and out of the reach of the common man because of the economic law of demand and supply. Gworo will be so scarce that men will be prostrating to get some to eat in order to keep their prostates healthy and alive to their responsibilities. But come to think of it, God's work is, indeed, awamaridi (beyond comprehension). He gave us instruments to use to 'multiply', yet He uses the same instruments (of fun, joy and multiplication) to ‘punish’ us as we grow old with afflictions not unconnected with the reproductive system. He 'spanks' women with breast cancer and 'executes' men with prostate cancer. Oftentimes, He 'deals' with women with cervical cancer and 'castrates' men with scrotal tumour. Y e e e paripa! Nobody can just fathom the depth of God's 'creative' ingenuity in having a pound of flesh back from His children whether anointed or massaged. Not even those who have surrendered all their lives to celibacy. Can you imagine! To man with limited knowledge, God is a living wonder of contradictions!! This is because “His ways are not our ways, His thoughts not our thoughts.”

I have heard a lot about you. Please what is the cause of epilepsy and how can it be cured? God bless you as you reply to this SMS. Anonymous.

I'm sure you have not heard the correct thing about me. I'm not a doctor. Neither am I “Dolly” (of the Drum magazine fame ) nor “Aunty Rebecca.” I'm just a restless writer with mood swings depending on the dictates of the Muse in him. I'm afraid I can't be of much help. Perhaps if you had supplied a name and address, I could have referred you to a naturalist. As for orthodox treatment, all roads lead to the hospital. Meanwhile, you may want to take the next available flight to cyberspace where everything you want to know about anything, and anything you want to know about everything is waiting for you. Try it.

I have just read "God, the Ultimate Herbalist." It's a great piece. Please, can I have the phone number of Dr. Gubilyn Ogunbenah? Thanks. Anonymous.

"Dr Gubilyn Ogunbenah" is the name of a character in that particular Opilogue. Any resemblance to a real person's name is just a mere coincidence.

Well done, for bringing to the knowledge of the vast majority of Opilogue readers who are either ignorant or indifferent to the essence of natural foods, fruits, roots and God's generosity to mankind. Ezekiel Ade, Akute, Ogun State.

Like Baba would say, I take serious exception to that.

No reader of Opilogue is ignorant. I hope this Akute man will also not like to be described as a contributor who is ignorant of the fact that he is actually living in "Ogun State in Lagos State." Yabis?

I guess you went to study catering during your vacation. However, just remember that eating gari, fufu and pounded yam daily is a shock absorber for us, considering the environment we live in. Tina Amadi, Lagos.

You are damn right. For instance, as a woman, you need plenty of akpu power to engage in street demonstrations like the Amazons of Akure and lately of Ado Ekiti. Men need to plaster their stomachs with kneaded yam flour (amala) early in the morning in order to have energy to confront stern-looking LASTMA officials, gun-toting policemen and lawless area boys on the road. In fact, we all need shock absorbers to cushion the effects of 49 years of misrule whether by the khaki men or their counterparts in agbada. But we also need natural supplements as configured for us by the almighty Baba God to withstand the jagbajantis and jankariwos being perpetrated by the political janjaweed that litter the entire landscape, making nonsense of our collective hope for a better tomorrow.