Monday, July 5, 2010

Affidavit Written in a City Courtyard

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“I have made this declaration in good faith believing same to be true and correct in all materials particular in accordance with the statutory declaration of Egin State law of Oaths and Affidavits of 1958”

I, Obaluwaye Adelana, Ologbo Ijakadi II, the Oriade of Kobomoje, male, Chrislam traditionalist, ruler and pencil, Niagaran citizen, residing at No 1, Aafin Edidare Street, Enuowa, Kobomoje, do solemnly swear and declare as follows:

That as the second in command to the gods I can do and undo. I can kiss. I can kill. I can love. I can hurt. I can put my foot on the bosom of any woman that catches my fancy and marry her on the spot;

That I'm not mad. Neither is mad madding me. I'm far from the madding crowd;
That, because of the aforesaid, I accepted to become the king of Kobomoje because of the premordial powers kingship thrusts on the incumbent;

That the recent allegations against my person that I unlawfully assaulted a woman believed to be my wife are baseless, null, void and of no consequence;

That the woman parading herself as the First Ayaba and victim of an alleged battery and assault by my royal self is a fake, pirated copy of the original "tear rubber" ayaba (king's wife);

That the fake First Ayaba has no locus standi in my palace;

That, in fact, the so called ayaba was born and bred in Taiwan, so she is the one that should be sent back to her mother in Taipei as “fairly used tokunbo engine”, not me;

That on the day of the so-called ritual combat that has become the talk of the town I was not the one that led the commando unit that raided her hideout;

That, rather, I was in the control room in my multi-purpose humvee while the royal commandos and chiefs were "doing etutu" (performing sacrifice) on her body;

That it was not cocaine that was poured on her but coke brewed and bottled in Colombia;

That such a liquid substance cannot peel anybody's skin except the skin of an "ajebutter", pepperless, gravy-leaking woman;

That I'm a modern, progressive, forward-looking king who admires and loves his wives equally and would not do anything to brew unhealthy rivalry and jealousy in the royal court;

That I am a firm believer in domestic democracy and that's why my wives have equal rights and claims to my fountain of goodies where they drink to their satisfaction;
That I only sow my seeds where I can reap a bountiful harvest after nine months of rainfall and sunshine;

That as far as I know all my wives have diplomatic relations with one another and none of them needs to be dean of the "diplovematic" corps to enter the royal bed;

That I am a victim of circumstance and I have the following facts to prove my case:

*Fellow kings do worse than what I am alleged to have done. They pronounce wicked judgements in their palaces and order extra-judicial punishments on civil matters involving their subjects. They jail the poor and let go the rich while government pretends not to see them except innocent king like me.

*People in higher authorities do worse too. I know of a former chairman of the nation's unlimited liability company who caned a gateman publicly while on an inspection tour of the company's factories.

*I know of a damaging director who almost damaged his wife chasing her down the road and giving her the beating of her life for daring to fight his mistress after catching both of them "red-legged" on their matrimonial bed. No director raised a finger.

*I know a judge who engaged a litigant in fisticuffs right on the road for only God knows what. He was punished but not sent to Siberia like me.

*I know of a king who is also a pastor who beat up his mistress, a member of his congregation, poured petrol on her and set her ablaze in a fit of jealousy and anger. They punished him but nobody removed his "bearded crown", yet they have snatched my own "beaded crown" for a lesser offence.

Furthermore, I solemnly and respectfully declare:

That I have been wrongfully accused and put in the same dock as ordinary criminals;

That, yes, I'm wild but it's for a reason. It is not with "ojuboro" (ease) that you snatch the children of palm kernel from their mother;

That one is an endangered species if one doesn't have money, doesn't have "gbekude" (spiritual protection) and doesn't have eyes that are perpetually red like "oju amugbo" ( the eyes of pot smokers)? What will one use to frighten "omo araye" (people)?;

That it's a lie that I beat my wife;

That it's she that behaved like a female "ajantala" (enfant terrible) and attacked me by removing my crown, wrapping my "agbada" round my face and dumping me in the ditch --- crown, beads and horsetail. Come and see Oriade panting in the gutter!;

That she is the one that should be restricted to a remote area. It's wrong to snatch my crown and ask me to leave town. Thus, I submit that my transfer to Igbobini is malicious, ultra vires, anti-culture and anti-status of a first class oba;

That Igbobini, the hometown of my "ajantala" wife, is too remote for my status. If Oriade should be restricted at all I'd opt for Igbotako or Oke Igbo or Igbokoda but if it is compulsory I must be restricted to one bush (igbo) or the other why not Igbo Olodumare or Igbo Irunmole or Igbo Elegbeje where I can have free daily access to fellow demons? I appeal.

I have made this declaration in good faith believing same to be true and correct in all materials particular in accordance with the statutory declaration of Egin State Law of Oaths and Affidavits of 1958.

Signed (Ologbo Ijakadi II)


Sworn to at the Adesina Court Registry, Kobomoje, Akure, Egin State, this 15th day of June, 1986.


Bolanle Oluwasesan Tenibegiloju

Note: This Opilogue first appeared in TELL, June 21, 2010.

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