Thursday, July 1, 2010

Kudos to the Kaitastrophic Eagles!


Pix* Daylife


I have come here today not to bury the Super Eagles but to praise them. They may not have won the cup but they have won our hearts for their acts of valour in the thick of battle. They fought the battle of consistency and they won hands down. It is those who do not know history that will fail to see the achievement of these great heroes who crossed many rivers and mountains to reach Zululand to play and dance to the rhythm of jubilani. They went, they fought and they conquered. Why should we not praise God for His mercies on these wonderful gladiators?

Watiii! Who are you? You just stood up and started bamboozling us about your Super Eagles and their imaginary success.

I don’t know what is paining you. Is it the fact that you don’t know me or that you don’t know that the Super Eagles did not lose anything, rather they won all the laurels available except the cup, a replica of which we can easily make with the assistance of the Benin bronze casters. And if we are in a hurry we can just dash to Felix Idubor arts gallery in Benin and pick a ready-made World Cup or just any of those shops on Eweka Road. So we don’t need to sulk over any imaginary loss. Do we?

You have not answered my question. Who are you?

Well, I am Chief Ademoyega Onipanlade, FIFA instructor and archivist. I have been commissioned by FIFA to give this talk about the Eagles’ performance and to let you know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. The national team has been very consistent in its performance and FIFA thinks that it is the best team of the tournament...

Sorry to cut you short. You mean we are the best team despite the fact that we didn’t go beyond the first round?

Yes, we are the most consistent. Record shows that we have made four appearances in the World Cup (1994, 1998, 2002 and 2010) and have continued to show a consistent pattern of performance. Mark you, FIFA has scored the national team high only as far as consistency is concerned. For instance, in 1994, we scored six points to get out of the group (won two matches, beating Bulgaria 3-0 and Greece 2-0, lost one to Argentina). In 1998 we scored six points again (won two, beating Spain 3-2 and Bulgaria 1-0, lost one to Paraguay) to top the table and move to the next round. In 2002 we managed to get one point and a knockout. In 2010 we succeeded in securing another one-point hammer blow that sent us crashing on the green canvas. But that is not the real consistency we are talking about. In the World Cup we have consistently maintained a cosy relationship with our ‘best friend,’ Argentina. In 1994 they beat us 2-1. In 2002 they knocked us out with just one devastating upper cut (1-0) and again in the first round of South Africa World Cup tournament they hit us again in the solar plexus with one dangerous blow (1-0) that made nonsense of our soccer room strategies and permutations.

I want to believe that with a friend like Argentina, honestly, we don’t need enemies again. By the way is that all about the Eagles’ consistent inconsistencies?

Just wait. It’s you calling them “inconsistencies”. You haven’t heard anything yet. Now listen carefully to this mother of all analyses. Like I have already told you, we only managed to secure one point each in the first round (2002 and 2010) and went down crashing like a pack of drunkards. This is how it worked out consistencywise.
For 2002 World Cup we lost our opening match with Argentina by 1-0. In 2010 we also lost our opening match to the same Argentina 1-0. In 2002 we played against Sweden in our second match and we lost 2-1 despite the fact that we opened scoring first. In 2010 we equally lost our second match to Greece (2-1) though we scored first. Our third and last game in 2002 was against England. It was a 0-0 draw. Same with the final match with South Korea in 2010 that ended in a 2-2 draw. In each tournament the Eagles were coached by an emergency, cash-and-carry technical manager while the sacked coach was in the stands bemoaning his loss and praying either for a miracle or disaster...

My God! And there was a disaster!

What happened?

The “Isa Kaitastrophy” during the Super Eagles-Greece match.

No, it wasn’t a disaster or a ‘kaitastrophy’, as you call it. Rather it was a blessing in disguise. The red card the BBC grammarian got actually fetched us the FIFA fair play award for the first round...

‘Xcuse me, why did you call the kaita boy a BBC grammarian?

Because murder he wrote when he spoke with the BBC sports correspondent on the kaitastrophic fiasco between him and the Greek gladiator. For the simple question, “Why did you kick your opponent like that?” his response nearly caused an earthquake in Buckingham Palace.

Ha ... ah ... What did he say?

It was a grammatical explosion! “I doesn’t kick am,” he said twice. Wayo Allah! It’s a lie!

I’m sure the tape of that interview is still in Bush House. In fact FIFA has called for it to see whether Kaita should not be given another red card for kicking and committing a “fowl”(?) in the penalty box of Her Majesty’s Queen’s English. Unknown to the world Kaita’s gaffe is a metaphor of the consistent bungling of sports administration in Niagara. No shame to Kaita but kudos for showing to the world that Niagara knows how to muddle up things at the critical moment. But the best award received by the Eagles is that of the Golden Boot presented to Yakubu for scoring the most spectacular miss of the tournament. Nobody will forget him in a hurry for that miss, an opportunity which the commentator said his 83-year-old grandmother could never miss! And to add insult upon injury Yakubu was captutured on camera smiling and chewing gum like a psychedelic goat after failing to put the damn thing (jubilani) inside the damn hole (net) in front of him.

By Jove, why was he smiling?!

Maybe excess joy weeps, excess sorrow laughs.

I think he must be Escobar-red!

No, we must learn to forgive and forget. Both ‘Yakaita” and ‘Isagbeni’ should be forgiven. This is not Latin America where two neighbouring countries go to war, a la Honduras and El-Salvador, because of football.

God forbid!

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