"Your Excellency, we would want you to order that no Afrikan needs to apply for visa again to enter America. Anybody that wants to come and carry load, wash toilets, bathe corpses and ‘do gateman’ with masters and Ph.Ds should be free to do so"
By Dele OMOTUNDE
Your Excellency, we, the representatives of your original ancestors, bear good tidings from the Mallam-in-chief and people of the Prodigal Republic of Afrika. We also bring unbridled joy, undiluted happiness and audacious hope for you and the entire Abamo family in America and the diaspora. You may be wondering, sir, whether we have any locus standi to lead a delegation to this beautiful city on one of the Great Lakes. Yes, we do. We have the mandate of the Mallam-in-chief to let you know of your authentic ancestry.
Your great great-grandfather actually migrated from the west of our great republic to present-day Kenya. He was known and called Pa Kasumu. He migrated a couple of centuries ago to that land of the Massai people in search of greener pastures. Being an adventurer extraordinaire he settled in a virgin area which he named after himself, Kasumu. This was later corrupted by the natives as 'Kisumu'. His first son, whom he named Ayokunnu, soon had his name Kenyanised to become Nyokno. For quite some time things were not going smoothly for Pa Kasumu and he started regretting his foray into the new world in Kisumu. Feelings of nostalgia started creeping in. It was at this time that Nyokno had a child and Pa Kasumu did not hesitate to name him Abamo (a matter of regret), a name that was also corrupted to Obama by the natives. Obama was barely three years old when his father went to settle in Nyangoma. As we always say, the rest is history. Your Excellency, you will see that we, the Prodigals, even have a greater claim to you than the Kenyans but we are ready to allow them to share in the glory of the moment. After all, if the Japanese can lay claim to him, why not fellow Afrikans like the Kenyans?
It is in view of the above that the Mallam-in-chief has sent us, the council of elders, here to share with you our vision, ideas and experience so that you can rule successfully like we, Afrikans. The first thing you have to do is this, and it is urgent. We learnt that Bushman said he and Lara, his wife, were ready to welcome you and Musili (please, your wife is Musilli, not Michele) to the White House. Please don't go until we have spiritually fumigated the place. The bush men and the Ku Klux Klan might have laced the threshold of the White House with magun (Don't Enter). Be warned! You are too young to somersault to death when you are not a drunken Chinese gymnast. Make sure the fumigation is done before you pack in because of the evil machinations of white witches. For your information, white witches don't like black men especially now that we are in the Oval Office where we shall be calling the shots and they will be answering the bullets. Change the colour of the White House to black to reflect the fact that a black man is in power. And, of course, change the name to BLACK HOUSE! Black is beautiful!! That's to show the true meaning of change, your campaign slogan.
Within your first 100 days, make sure you make the whole world sit on the edge of a sword with your revolutionary actions. Probe Bush for all his bush policies, especially in Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan. Set up an American EFCC to probe McCain on how he spent his election subvention in order to discredit his party. In Afrika, vendetta is the name of the game. The opposition must be destroyed to pave the way for democracy. Even CNN must be probed for practising voodoo with technology when it used egbe (magic carpet) to transport a reporter in Chicago to its New York studios to do analysis. That’s too hologrammatical for change. It’s unacceptable. A news media house is not expected to use Hollywood magic to create surreal effects to bamboozle the electorate, nay the observers from outer Mongolia.
Your Excellency, as we say in Afrika, nothing is free, not even in Freetown. We have a short list of what you can do for us now that an Afrikan son of the soil is in charge. This is our opportunity. We would want you to order that no Afrikan needs to apply for visa again to enter America. Anybody that wants to come and carry load, wash toilets, bathe corpses and "do gateman" with masters and Ph.Ds should be free to do so. No airline should weigh our luggage again. We should be allowed to carry and swallow anything we like. After all, we are the owners of our stomachs.
And this is a special request from the Mallam-in-chief himself. He has advised that when you want people to fill certain positions, the Prodigals are capable of doing anything. We know how to handle money, so we would like one of the executive governors who managed Mallam’s campaign funds in 2007 to be appointed as minister of finance or treasury secretary, as you call it here. He also wants our men to handle your juicy portfolios for you. Thus we are ready to second tested potbellied paramilitary officers to take charge of your police, customs and immigration. Our Mallam-in-chief is even ready to lend you his wife in order to train Musili on how to be an effective First Lady. He urges that you allow her set up a parallel government in the Black House by dividing the Oval Office “into twice” (apology Zebrudaya).
Your Excellency, the Prodigals are never known to be greedy or selfish. Hence we are suggesting that you take care of yourself too by starting your own war since the bush men and the Hottentots have cornered all the contracts for the prosecution of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Fight Iran, fight Pakistan. Provoke Kim Sung II to war in North Korea and you will get in return a lot of body bags ripping of dollars. Yes, you can!.
We learnt you've been talking of how to revamp the Yankee economy. Here is a warning. Don't tax the rich to bring succour to the poor. That will not be in the true spirit of the Afrikan way of bringing the greatest good to the smallest number. Remember you are an Afrikan first and foremost. So you should tax the poor to further enrich the rich. That's how it is done back at home. And that's why those poor things remain poor. It has to be so because, in Afrika, from Kisumu to Kigali, from Kogelo to Kontagora, and from Kano to Cairo, the existence of the wretched of the earth is a necessary condition for the emergence of another Obama bin Mubarak to mobilise our people for our own inevitable CHANGE, Insha Allah!
*First published in TELL January 26, 2009